shygirl, crazygirl

how do you conquer shyness? like in some situations im so shy, but in others im not one bit shy at all. grr

i got you slippen on my swagg juice

So easter weekend was pretty good i guess. Every night i spent at williams house. Thursday i spent the whole day biking (i want to do mountain bike street freestyle) then he picked me up around seven and we went to a girls house i never met before. Everyone was pretty drunk besides me and will and we played a game of crazy 8's after we went to another friends place for strawberry daquaris and sat around the fire, it was a going away party for this guy who was going to war. After we went back to williams and slept. The next day we lazed around in bed till the afternoon and he brought be out to show me this fort him and a bunch of guys he hangs out with are making and i got to help him a little bit. I mostly just watched and chatted with some of the boys, we stayed there pretty much the whole day then went back to his house. We rented a movie watched it then went to sleep. The next day he brought me home around 11 and i showered then spent the whole day biking with my friend sam. We also went for pizza aswell. It was super hot out that day then eventually got really cold and windy which caused a bunch of balls to fall off the roof at davenport and we kicked some balls around for a little bit then put them where the school could find them after. We went back to her house again and ate some pizza and waited for her boyfriend to come. She was going to go to her dads for dinner and Will was coming to pick me up again. This night was the most interesting for us. I finally got to meet my bestfriend chads new girlfriend, i thought i wasnt going to like her at first but it turns out her and i are so much alike and we got along great. We started out the night with some whiskey shots at jesses with a bunch of boys, we all sat around and listened to eachother free style rap, it was really funny. Then we found a party in london to go to. This sort of led to bad things. When we got there the party was great at first, we had some more shots danced it up and met alot of new people. There was this really drunk girl that we met that tried to kiss will, i didnt know at the time and i wasnt going to make a big deal out of it because Will pushed her away. By this time will was really intoxicated. He came downstairs at one point and him and i were talking, then this guy i just ment grabbed me by the hands and pulled me away from will. He didnt really like that very much so he went upstairs, later the same guy put his hands on chads girlfriend and called her a slut which really made alyssa upset and she freaked out. I was upset also because i couldent find Will, but then someone came up and told me that the kid in the grey shirt, my boyfriend got pissed and punched the persons gutter outside. I didnt know why at the time so i went looking for him. I found hu=im out by chads truck and i asked him what happenend. He told me that he just got really upset because these guys kept putting there hands on me and alyssa and i was letting them and it made him really angry and he didnt mean to punch the gutter he ment to punch the wall. This led to our first fight. Somehow he went as far as me bringing up the girl, and i told him if he had kissed the girl.. i didnt get to even finish my sentance when he was like " i didnt f*cking kiss the girl i pushed her away" and i tried to tell him that i wasnt saying he did i was saying if he was ever put in that situation and he kept yelling at me so i tried to walk away then he grabbed me and was like kristen im sorry, and i said he wasnt listening to me and everytime id try to talk hed cut me off. I eventually started crying and thats when chad and alyssa came out saying we had to leave because kids were pulling knifes on him and had already on will. I felt embaressed because i was crying and they noticed, alyssa (chads gf) held my hand in the car which made me feel better and eventually i crawled over to will and layed my head on his chest, his heart started to beat fast and he rested his hand on my head. At first the ride was quiet until chad got upset at will becuase will was over reacting and chad said that they werent touching us the way will was thinking and me and alyssa had to calm them both down. It was kind of crazy. When we got back to wills house we went in his room and had the most deep conversation ive ever had with him both of us ended up crying and he told me that if he had any concept of what love is, its what he feels for me, and he just wants to keep me around for a very long time. That he will be around for aslong as i want him to be. He also told me how i was in his future and i said well maybe and hes like. no your in my future and things just went so far that both of us ended up crying. Ill remember this talk for a long time i think it brought us closer and in the end everything. The next day the boys got together and we went to the skatepark. Us girlfriends hung out in the car while the guys skated till like 3. After we went to a friends house and sat around and talked. Well i barly talked at all i was so tired because me and will were up till like 4 am the night before and woke up at like 7. I was so dazed. Once we got back to wills house we were there just intime for easter dinner, we ate and then both of us fell asleep at 5. we slept the rest of the day all the way till the next morning. Then they brought me home early and will went to the fort to build it. Yesterday all i did was slouch around and eat chocolate. Watched teevee and went to bed. I think im going to be seeing Will tonight again maybe, with chad and alyssa. We might go to the movies, if i can get money from my mom. We havent been getting along again. No good. But i might be moving out in three months. Alyssas mom jsut broke up with her boyfriend so she wants to move back to her hometown which is 7 hours away. Alyssa doesnt want to leave the town she grew up in that has her job her friends her horse and her boyfriend. So her and chad might get an apartment together, chad is 20 btw, he has had his own job and he makes GOOOOOOD money, but he gets laid off every once in a while so hes going to get another job to. They asked if me and will wanted to move in aswell to make things easier. Im kinda cut in the middle with this because me and will havent been dating that long yet only about 2 months and i dont know how long were going to last and i dont want to move with him if things wont work out.. but then again i am a fighter and i see so much more in Will and it would be worth a try. I need to get a job and make some money, then i would probibly have to get a new job when we move. Which will be complicated but i figure, if i save up all my paychecks then ill have enough money to put in my share so i can have enough time to find a job. There should be more offers in london aswell, id also have to transfer schools aswell which is a little nerve wracking.. I have planned out alot of it aswell and its going to take so much responsibility from me. We all have been looking around and i found this apartment/ condo on huron street in london, its a 2 bedroom and the proce ranges between 699-714 per month but it includes water and heat, one free parking space, cable and internet access, we would still have to pay for usuage though and the tiles and what not are all redone and stuff theres also carpets aswell. I figured that approximetely each of us will be paying about 220.00 a month. With a job at student wage.. i could be making approx 35.60 a day hopefully x4 is around 142.40 a week not including tips and if i work weekends i could get more.. id hopefully be working all week though. Theres so much to consider and so much to plan out. Thankfully if i cant cover my part during the first little bit chad will have me covered !
im still so young to and i know so many people would tell me to stay home aslong as i can, but sometiems i hate being so dependant and i hate the fact that none of this is mine. its all my moms, everything.

i cant stand my mom anymore. now i want to move out i want to get out its like everything i fucking do is never good enough. she never listens to me ever and goes by what everyone else says and she always tells me how everyone elses opinion shouldent matter to me. she should stop being so hypocritical. GRR.

excitemeent !

whoooot ! i got my tongue peirced, i love it. i love how it looks on me.. its so swollen tho right now, cant wait till i can change it. yee, my belly button is next :]

He said i hate this place, i miss your smile i miss your face ...

Halfway through the week, i dont think ive ever really looked forward to the weekend as much as i am now. I get to get my tongue peirced, i get to spend my friday and saterday night with Will then go home sunday and just relax, maybe visit with some family, then the following weekend will be great aswell Alyssa is coming down and were going to an iparty in london. Its like a club for teenagers without alcohol instead energy drinks and i love to dance so its just going to be great.
Right now i feel a little down. I hate that i only get to see Will on weekends, and this is the first week back from march break so i have to et back into the habit of falling asleep alone again and its just hard not being able to listen to the steady breathing of another person or being able to rest my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Its so much more comforting to wake up with someone beside me and have someone keep me warm all night long and hold me if i jump up scared from my regular nightmares. I crave his lips, want to feel his arms around me all the time and it makes me sad knowing that i have to wait another 2 days. I dont know how people manage to have really long distant relationships. I would feel a little bit unfullfilled. Being infatuated with someone can feel so strong sometimes, its just passionate and you cant get enough of eachother im just wondering, how do you know when you love someone? Its a feeling ive been feinding for and i know it takes time but. i would like to know what it feels like.
I want to be with Will for a really long time, im just scared he might get sick of me and our relationship will run dry like so many do these days. I want to do something oblvious something he wouldent be expecting. I need some new ideas. What are some of the things you and your highschool boyfriend did Mrs.Roth? When alyssa comes down im thinking that her and jesse, me and will, alyssa c and chad should all go to the beach and watch the sunset and then climb these rocks, i think that would be something new and fun! Im really looking forward to it. ugghh im just sighing so much right now, i want to call Will and i want to hear his voice but i have this phobia of talking on the phone, it makes me feel blind and it bothers me how i can hear the person yet cant feel there presence or see them. People think im so silly when i say that but its true, and i would also feel like somewhat of a bother to be calling him, i just hate how we have barly any communication during the week besides the few inboxes reassuring plans over facebook.
Thats about all i have to write about right now, but heres some lyrics to a good song for the moment :

She said baby don't leave
Be home, stay close, be close to me
Boy don't be gone. boy don't be gone
He said baby you know
I gotta run I gotta go
I won't be long, girl I won't be long

She said boy don't you flirt
And baby please just don't get hurt
And if you feel alone then here take my shirt
He said forever girl I know you hate the weather girl
so maybe you should hold onto my sweater girl

She ran picked up the phone
Said babe I miss you come back home
It can't be long, boy it can't be long
He said I hate this place
I miss your smile I miss your face
I wrote a song, girl I wrote a song

She said you make me better boy
I just mailed you a letter boy
And oh just so you know I'm still in your sweater boy
He said girl don't be hurt
I've sweat a lot and smell of dirt
and I think I'd feel naked without your shirt

He said you're looking great
I'm home I'm back I couldn't wait
Girl way too long, that was way too long
She said get over here
I crave you close I need you near
Now play that song, boy play me our song

He said back to forever girl
Hope you endured the weather girl
Now all I wanna do is get you outta that sweater girl
She said I love the way you flirt
I'm so glad you didn't get hurt
Now let me see you naked without that shirt

I'd give you the day but its not mine yet..

So i went to school today and it wasnt that bad, im pumped for gym because were doing badminton and i like playing badminton, i love to dance while i play it makes everything much more intense. Im not looking forward to going to science tommorrow, but i got to get my mark up. Tonight im not doing anything special im probibly just gunna sit around and hangout. My moms off maybe ill ask her to watch a movie or something together. I have to do some homework and think about William. (L)
This girl i just ment on the weekend, shes just 17 and she has a 10 month old baby and i admire the girl so much i just have to give her props to go through what she had to at such a young age and take care of the little guy, hes adorable to. he could be like a show baby. He kept on looking at me with his big brown eyes and i was just mezmorized by him he would make me smile then he would mimic a smile back. Will was like holy he wont stop staring at kristen. Haha The poor guy was really sick though he had a terrible cough and you could hear him breathing from the other room. I dont know if i could do what that girl did, having to give up so much for a little kid. Ive had dreams about me being pregnant and having a kid before and it scared me a little bit. In my dream i had gained weight and my hair was all naughty and messy and i looked like a zombie so sleep deprived and me and my baby were sleeping in my room. I pushed away everybody included the father of the baby but then eventually he came over himself and told me he wanted to see his son. And it just freaked me out. All the judgements that would be made about you and everything. If i ever got pregnant i wouldent know what to do. I would probibly have the baby bbut i cant even imagine so im going to keep it safe till im older (y)
Thats about all that i have to write about todayy. thanks for all your help mrs roth i appreciate it <3
kb

Im not perfect but i'll keep trying.

So my feelings are undescribable at the moment. i dont know how much more i could like this kid. Whether its how he grabs my hand when were cuddling, wraps it to his and then kisses it that drives me crazy or whether its how he moves the hair out of my eyes, looks into them and smiles or maybe its how he smothers me in his sleep when he grabs ahold of me and pulls me close. I dont know but i havent felt this way in such a long time. I met his family last night for the first time, wonderful people. His mother seems outgoing and is honest. definitly not a shy women his dad on the other hand is a little bit more quiet. Lastly his grandmother, she is 80 he said and is the most precioud thing ive ever seen, as soon as i saw her smile when they said i was wills girlfriend gave me the butterflys, shes such a cute little thing. Will said i was the first girl hes ever brought into his house which made me feel quite special. He is self concious about where he lives but i told him that its not what he or his parents own what i am crazy about its him. He just smiled and kissed me. Im so happy that im with him. I hope i will be for a while.
One thing that irratates me so much about myself is, i am timid around people that i dont know to well or have just met. Will brought me out today with him to hangout with all his guy friends. I felt so out of place sitting there watching them play video games or watching them skateboard. And i barly talked, like i had nothing to say and didnt know what to say. I just hope that doesnt change anything between us. It makes me a little nervous because he knows me to be that fun outgoing girl, then lately ive been quiet and what not. It makes me so mad.
I am not looking forward to going to school tommorrow at all. But my mom said if i could go to school this whole week she would give me 40 dollars to go get a piercing which sounds like a great deal if you ask me. I know that my mom shouldent have to reward me for going to school but i just dont want to ever go anymore. I never thought i would say it but at the moment i hate school. I get so nervous and so angry at the thought of having to go. Most people are like well i get to see my friends and what not and classes arent even that bad. But id rather see my friends out side of school and just spend my time in my room or something. Grr but im going to go and just get it over with. Maybe thigns will change with the weather and i can finally get back into sports again or something i shure hope so.

If cheerleading were easy, itd be called football.

So i think i know what i need to do to feel better, i need to CHEERLEAD ! just thinking about it drives me insane. I miss it sooo much. When im angry in cheer i release it in tumbling harder, hitting my motions in my dance harder, and throwing girls higher or if im top squeezing my muscles that much more, when we condition and do fitness i just push myself more. When im upset i release that through the dancing part of it. It occupied alot of my time and it was like a medicine to me, and the feeling i got when we did a good job and stuck all of our stunts is undescribable not to mention when you finally get an element you have been working on. AHH. i wish that east elgin would have a team id totally go out for it, id even be a caption. Ive done power cheerleading for 5 years and have some kick butt stunt sequences ive made up when i had to much time on my hands. I know richelle. my old coach would be happy to come in and help with tumbling and im always good at making dances. I could fundraise for uniforms and some of the competition fees. I know all the rules and regulations and parkside could use some competition. I think that it would be so great, but not likely. If worse comes to worse i could possibly ask to help out for ldss's cheer team spot there stunts and put in any input, i know there caption. and maybe get community hours for that too :D I heard they didnt do so well at provincials so if i could help them before nationals it wouldent hurt any i dont think.