Ouuuu girl, shock me like an electric eel, babygirl tuurn me on with your electric feel. :0

So i think i need to keep writing in here a little bit more, its almost the end of the semester and i want to keep getting marks for this, Im so loaded with homework right now its so overwhelming i have something due in everyclass that i either dont have done or barley have it done, and no matter how many days i take off it still isnt enough time. I am almost finished my english speech which i should of have presented today, i will have it done for tommorrow, my photo novella is definitly not finished yet but getting there, and my 2 art projects arent done yet either. I also have to hand in 2 assignments for english that i have finished and ask for another day or two on another english assignment and then have to start on my culminating. AHHHHH. i love highschool haha. Well im sure i will get all this done before exams i just need to want it bad enough.
So quite a bit has changed since new years and a little bit before that i havent gotten into really, mysoundtrack and I arent really an us or a we anymore, its just him.. then me. Two seperate people. We didnt end up working out, i take the blame for that, he didnt like some of the decisions i was making and i understand that, i learned a big lesson and talking to him made me realize how much i needed to go and talk to someone and my mom, now i feel a little bit better and have some new resolutions for this year. I think im going to change mysoundtracks name to bigboy just like what shortshorts calls him in her blog and because he is big.
As much as i wanted things to workout between us and as much as i like him its just to complicated he lives in london now and i can barly ever see him, which really sucks, and i guess i wasnt mature and lifesmart as i thought i was which also make things a little complicated.
I spent a few ddays being a little upset but slowly pulled myself through and got over it, Me and him still talk which is good and weere still friends, im going to watch him and his band play on friday :]
Since then ive discovered feelings for someone new, quick relapse.. sort of but ive always had these feelings for him just never really let them get the best of me. I met him in the summertime at a party i went to, i wasnt all completely there and the first thing i said to him was " youre hot " ooohh boy, thats great haha, great first impression, but we ended up spending the whole night together with my other 2 friends, he was really easy to talk to and we hit it off well. We hungout alot of times since then and became pretty good friends it wasnt until recently that he told me he thought i was really cute and wanted me that night ( not in a sexual way) but he already had a girlfriend. Now that we are both single we started to hangout and talk even more, things started to get good for me just a little bit after new years night. I think im going to call him cutie because hes super cute and says really cute things to me all the time. He's a little bit younger then what i usually go for but hes pretty mature for his age. He's 17. At first i had a bad feeling that he might just be saying some of these things to get in my pants but now i dont think so anymore, his bestfriend was talking to me and telling me how he doesnt want to sleep with me and he wants to take things slow which made me pretty happy, he told me himself that he wanted to be with me and that just right now wasnt the right time yet and i completely agreed because things do take time and i want them to take time.
Some of the really cute things he has said to me are:
When i was upset- "dont make me come over and pick up the peices"
just randomly - "your amazing", "awe, well your on my mind non-stop","no seriously, come cuddle please :)" "i like you", "i want to be with you","i want to be yours", "you mean alot to me", "i think im hooked on you"
and alot more, hes told me that im beautiful in person one time and i almost started crying because i didnt think it could ever mean so much coming from someone.
I love to be with him and i love to lay in his arms while he rubs my back and tickles my face. or kiss my cheek like 20 times in a row, or when he just sighs at random.
Just his smile gives me butterflys.
It pretty funny because im not one to move on so fast from a guy it takes me a long time because i take my feelings serious and dislike it when other people do it, but for some reason i cant help myself.. i just dont know what to do. :
Hopefully we hangout this weekend:) i cant wait till i see him next.

And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something that you cant replace,when you love someone but it goes to waste.Could it be worse

I was going to finish the rest of my entrys but i will get to that later.. again.
I dont know whats happening to me these days. I just dont want to leave my room, i dont want to see anyone talk to anyone, i dont want to do anything. I just want to lay there with ipod and cell phone all day, and not move. The last couple days of christmas break thats all i did, i didnt come out of my room for almost 48 hours. I wasnt hungry, i wasnt thirsty, i didnt need to go to the bathroom all i did was cry here and there, think and stare. I watched some tv. My mom started to worry about me a little bit and she forced me out of my room. School came and i was not enthused. The first three days i sucked it up and drag myself through it. I would feel sick here and there and would have to ask to be excused to sit in the bathroom for a little bit. My chest would kill me so much and i would get teary eyed here and there. I also felt some attacks coming here and there. Finally thursday i cracked, my whole family slept in and when my mom woke up it was like a bomb. I didnt want to get up and leave my room, and we argued for a long time until i burst out into tears and started yelling at her some things that she didnt know. Like the fact that i feel im only around for one thing and people only want one thing from me.. something sexual. Even my father the one man in my life that im suppost to trust, the only guy who isnt suppost to hurt you but mine did. What do i have now. I've thought of self mutalation many times but i dont want to go back into that state, i want to be more mentally stable but i dont know how to fix it. I just want to isocalate myself and be alone. My mom still made me go to school, so i got dropped off for second period. First period was still in thankfully because i was still crying hard when i walked in the doors and a friend of mine saw me and i was quite embarassed. During math i didnt do much besides stare out the window and try to hold back tears, i also left to go to the bathroom again. At lunch i couldent handle it anymore so i just left. I got home and my mom wasnt there but there was a note for me in my room with alot of things on there that made me a little upset. About how its a mothers worse fear of something terrible to happy to one of her kids that will effect them for a life time in ways that she cant imagine, and it having to be the man that she trusts. It was really heart felt note and im glad she wrote it for me she also wrote some advice in there that im going to take. After that holly texted me and told me she needed someone to go to the basketball game with her after school and to the movies for mikes birthday, i really didnt want to go but i did promise her the day before i would and i would feel bad for not going to mikes birthday so i sucked it up and went. Then friday my mom thought it would be a good idea that everyone just took a break. Its hard for my family, we can only be happy and take so much for so long before any of us break and the only people we truley have to lean on is eachother. If we have no healing proccess we will always be broken and out lifes will go spiraling downward. We have made it so far in the last year we just dont want to go back. I dont want to go back but im starting to fall in ways and i dont know what to do to fix that, we all have different coping strategies but i havent found mine yet ive tried many many different things, and councillers are suprised that ive came up with these myself and find im very smart and wise for a 15 yr old but they dont work. I'm still trying to figure things out.
I just miss being happy, truley happy.
I miss alison to.