the girl that got away?

ingah. : :/ :( :@ :S :D :] .
fooood yumm :]
3 more days till christmas whoooot.

You could be the best of me.. when im the worst for you.

well, i will finish my entrys for health later right now i just need to get everything in my head out,
saturday night, shouldent of went end of story. Christmas season always seems to go super shitty until christmas eve so im just sitting around waiting to be happy. blahblah. Thinking about where i was at this time last year. I need to stop living in the past or thinking about the future, all that matters is whats happening now. I need to enjoy the positive and forget about the negative. Though sometimes it can be so hard to do that. Being in highschool sucks, trying to find that place you belong in the world, its so confusing. The people around you, coming in and out of your life. Leaving you hurt and feeling dispair. All new emotions like desire and want. Longing for things but your left with unfullfilment. Unfaithfulness. All you can do is just hold your head high and keep moving forward because once you get where your going all of this will just be memory, but also a part of what made you who you are.
Unfortunitly im still a child, trying to grow up to fast, wanting something.. someone whose almost an adult. Whose been through all of what im just starting to expierence, someone who i could go to if i really needed help. Someone who makes me incredibly happy, and is such a good person they deserves so much yet all i have to give is some childish feeling of what i think can grow into something so big, when there is the whole world out there for him to choose from. Im just not shure what i should do anymore about that. I always thought age was but a number but its true in the end its ONE of the things that add up. In my opinion maturity and expierence are what make you your age, not truley how long you have been alive for. I dont know people can disagree. I'm just tired of going through those same highschool relationships consisting of only sex and being based on looks. Thats all highschool really is, sex and partying its ridiculous, though who am i to say anything because what have i been doing this whole time? I think i need to grow up a little aswell and not be so hypicritical. Like i said before though i want to get past that f*cking euphoric stage i want to feel something bigger than what i am. I dont want to be infatuated all the time. Its like being stuck in one spot. dislike.
Anyways on positive side of things, christmas is coming up, and so is new years, i have all new resolutions and plans and im hoping for something so much better.
Later im going to hangout with mysoundtrack and hopfully tonight have a good night with my sister and mom, i hope we dont fight. I think im going to stay home tommorrow aswell, but i guess thats all.
-kbrianne <3

For healthclass :]

Entry1-> 5 things.

5 things that i am grateful for right now is:
1. My family - though we may be fighting, i am still super glad that i have them around. My family is truley the only people that i know at the moment who understand in some way or is impacted in some way from the past. My mom may not give me the best advice on teenager issues be she always knows what to say to help me get through my day, and i love her hugs. I also love my little sister very much, we may fight like crazy but if something were to happen to her i would be there the whole time to try and help out. I wont be seeing my mom tonight but i think i am going to write her a letter and tell her how much i do appreciate and love her.
2. My friends - i love my friends with all my heart, they are the people i can run to when i am sad and talk to about anything, they try there best to help me and are always there to listen. When i need a good night out my friends are always one of the best people to share that with. I'm sure without them i would be nowhere.. Iloveyou guys <3
3. Teachers- I really appreciate all my teachers, though i can dislike them for getting me introuble for talking or being up my bum about getting to school but i know there intentions are always good and they just want the best for me. They are trying to motivate me and get me ready for my future. Without my teachers i wouldent get a good education and wouldent be able to go anywhere in life, seriously. I want to be a pysciatrist or a music therapist. I need my grade 12 to do both of those and i cant get grade 12 without my grade 9,10 and 11. So my goal for this week and the new year is to show up to class ontime everyday as much as i possible can and try to be a good girl.
4.My home- this one is kind of cliche, and your probibly wondering why i appreciate my home today mostly. Well i appreciate it everyday but im glad i get to leave school and go to a nice heated house with a warm bed and many electronic devices that can be used to communicate with other people and my shower! I'm going to go home and take a nice warm shower before i leave out for my friends birthday. YAY !
5. FOOOOODDDDD!- I really appreciate having food and water in my home atm because i am SUPER hungry. I know that i dont have to be starved like some little children around the world because my family can afford to eat and have food to eat. Which i am really thankful for.

ENTRY2-> Pay it Forward.
Not only am i going to do payitforward this christmas i think im going to do alot to help out my family, like help my mom clean up and get her coffee in the mornings or help people cook dinners and clean the dishes, watch the kids when they need a night out (subtract new years) or when there just busy and anything else i can do. It will make me feel like a better person. Some ideas i have had for pay it forward was the hole pay for the persons order behind me, go buy something small/give money to some kids i know that live around the corner that dont have much or wont be getting much for money. Maybe send in some toys and things to different places that help familys out on christmas or help someone carry something if their hands are full.

ENTRY3 -> Plan for the holidays.
My plan for these holidays are quite simple, this weekend i know im going to be going out with friends and hopfully twin. Then i would like to spend a couple days to myself in my room just reading some new books i have came across and writing, maybe go and visit my aunt who will soon be giving birth and help her around the house. The night before christmas i am really looking forward to, its always the happiest night for my family. We are going to bake cookies together for santa ;], eat some and watch some movies. On christmas day, my mom always makes us a very yummy breakfist and hotchocolate with a whipped topping, sprinkles and a candy cane in it, then we open presents. After we clean everything up and usually put everything away we shower and get ready. For lunch/dinner we go to my grandpas house with some of the family and eat, watch movies, catch up and open presents. We might go to my aunts house in ingersoll to watch my little cousin open his presents in the morning aswell. On boxing day, my moms hole side of the family goes over to my grandmas house and we have a huge dinner then we open presents. After we all just talk and hangout with eachother while people sip on cocktails. Right now we are not sure but we might go to my great aunts house for leftovers and to visit. I always like going there because she has an indoor inground pool and i get a good excersize swimming to shed off all the turkey and chocolate i have eaten in the past two days. I'm really excited for newyears eve because i am going to a party at my friends i will call her cheer because we cheered together, for her birthday. The theme is like a cross between clubbing/get decked out in newyears stuff. I helped her plan the whole thing out. There is going to be lots of balloons on the ground flashing lights, loud music and just sparkley things. We are going to make lots of food for people to eat aswell. I am going to go to Sirens to get a nice party top, wear skinny jeans and these sexy heels;] im not sure what im going to do with my hair yet but im really excited. I'm going to spead most of my night dancing, hopfully burning some calories. My goal is to go skating atleast twice and do some crunches everynight. Need to tone up my stomach ;)

ENTRY4-> Letter to Someone Important
I've already wrote a couple of letters to people that i havent sent or shown but i think i might rewrite one to mysoundtrack.
Dear mysoundtrack,
Things are confusing, but they always are when you have so much feelings for someone. Everytime you say something cute to me my head is always in the clouds and i make this odd screetching noise or giggle like an idoit. I'm always scared to say the wrong things that would make me sound stupid or that will make you not want to talk to me. I'm not sure what your feelings are for me anymore, but im hoping that things havent changed. Friday was pretty great, yah it kinda sucks that we didnt get to the concert but i was just glad to see you, and when you told me that you were happy to spend sometime with me i was super happy to hear that. I also really liked it everytime you would say "Your cute" or brush my hair out of my eyes and say "Pretty girl". I think its pretty funny what your roomates think of me and im glad you invited me back over to prove myself. I'll be looking forward to do so. We havent really talked about what all went on that night much yet, but im hoping eventually it will. I'm glad we got to.. really connect.. in a different way.

- I'll continue later..

Sometimes the wind reminds me ..

Seeing the snow brings me back to the place that i dont want to be.
I need to get a grip on myself again. I'm looking forward to the holidays because maybe a break will give me time to pull myself back together.
Quick catch up:
1. mysoundtrack knows what my intentions are .. to be with him, i know that he doesnt know what his intentions are because he doesnt know me like other people because i am still kinda shy, but im going to bring him to my house to see if i can be more me in my own enviroment, hanging out with him more will really help me warm up to him. I will find out what his intentions are soon though. I like him alot and now he cant blame me..
2.Guitarist is coming back soon and i actually am excited it makes shortshorts happy, and hes kool i would like to see him again, then me shortshorts mysoundtrack and guitarist can all hangout again. I have some other thoughts on my mind to.
3. I need motivation, this week my goal is to attend everyclass on time all week, maybe subtract friday because its a tradition for me and ooper to go around and look for christmas presents for people and sit in tim hortans, but i do really want to watch this love actually movie. so i dont know whats going to go on.
4. im excited for twin to come down soon that will really make me happy, and christmas together will be great, i know shes not happy right now and i really think she should stay down here for a semester, nana said she had no problem having her come here and live with her but the whole party every weekend is a no go, but i agree not healthy and things are gunna change for me after new years.
5.mm, semi night and all that was a great weekend ive been having a good time on weekends so i dont know why im so down.
6. its oopers bday tuesday so im going to her house and were gunna bake stuff, i love baking :D
7. I'm going to hand out resumes today or sometime this week cause i would really like to work and get my own money i feel more independent and i want my own cash on me.
8. This weekend PUN has a show on saturday, so i hope im going to that and if not PARTYboy iss having another party that i might go to.

p.s being sick ROCKS :

It kills me to stand here and see that im not what your dreaming of..

Dear Ryan,
YOU DRIVE ME EFFING INSANE. You just make me want you soo much. I just want to jump ahead to the future to see if your in it. I hope you are because i dont think ive wanted someone as much as i want you right now.Im really upset at this whole drama thing thats going on between you and my ex and im really sorry that he had to come and chirp you because i dont like him anymore it was ridiculous but i cant control what other people do and i really hope its something that doesnt effect anything between you and i and if am really something special or important to you, you wont let his words get to you. You seem to be everything ive ever wanted in a guy. Your a happy person, your cute, your outgoing and funny, your musical, you are smart. You smell good, your tall. You are peotic and understanding. You are someone who i can talk to and you seem like you understand and you help me. You open up to me and show me your sensative side. I know you will protect me if i ever need it. You are mature and ive always been a sucker for a singer. GAAH.
You always make me so confused though. Like i dont understand. You have told me that you have feelings for me but then give me some of these off signals. I think your letting my age get in the way of alot of things, which incredibly sucks, and i mean you have told me some of the things that you see in a girl and im always like well sh*t because theres only a little bit that i see in myself. I try to ignore those facts and just keep moving on but i do think about it sometime. I understand you might be scared to start a relationship or what not because of the way you have been hurt in the past or the fact yyour in college , in a band, sing and play guitar. For all the physical reasons. But no ryan, no thats not it at all, you could give up everything. You could sound like a frog when you sing and if you treated me the same way as you do and be like 15, i would still be like.. crazy about you. I like you for whats on the inside for your personality. I like you because of the way you talk to me or hold me. Or the way you laugh at me and call me KRISPY. I like the sound of your voice when you say my name. I even like the way you smell. That sounds so creepy. I could go on forever telling you how much things i like about you. The only hing i dislike is you thinking to much, i mean take chances. I know im some kid, and what do i know, but you only live once and lifes to short to sit around and think things out and in the end even if all is bad you still have that expierence to look back on and use for the future. Everyday you and i step outside of our houses we have the chances to be killed, even when were inside. Anything can happen and i cant imagine dying without getting a chance with you. Theres my crazy side. I'm still sitting here. waiting. Letting everythhing play out and hope for the best. Letting myself get ahead when i know i shouldent but i dont care if i get hurt anymore.
I kinda miss you and i am super excited for friday !!
-kbrianne <3

I know things are changing, and this loves gotten out of line*

Today.. and just this week has been a rollarcoaster. There is so much on my mind and i think about htings without even focusing on them. I just wish life could be easy to live for once. Just for a little bit. I'm starting to spiral back down to wear i started growing from last year and im fighting to not get that low again but sometimes its so hard. It doesnt help my lack of sleeping or eating. Today ive only eaten a bite of shortshorts croissent and some candy, heaalltthhyyyy. Hunger is just the last thing i think about. Being a female teenager sucks as it is. Feeling like you have to try so hard just to be accepted by the judgemental human race. Having to help deal with friends drama let alone your own drama. Boysboysboys. School pressure from teachers. Having to have this project due this day, and that project due the next day, review have to be done by tommorrow along with an assignment then a test. Having to start an english essay. Its enough to make me crack. Especially on a day where i just want to cuddle up in my bed with a hot chocolate and watch some television, or listen to some music and write a good short story. Those are just half the things i have to worry about, the things any teenager girl does and a teenager girl is only half of me. It feels like im slowly losing my family, everyone is just not in a good state. It feels like were all different individuals being forced to live with eachother. Every conversation had ends in arguements, when you hear i love you from one another they just dont sound believable anymore. I dont even get to see my mom for 3 hours everyday. In the morning when i wake up she is usually sleeping, by the time she gets up im gone to school. I come home to an empty dark house and sit there alone till i cant keep my eyes open much longer then drag myself to the shower. My mom doesnt usually get home till around 11:30 and we only have a short conversation or arguement i should say until she tells me to go to bed. I sit up till 1 scared to close my eyes and morn to feeling of being alone, because i do. In the end family will be the only thing i have left, but i question if i will even have that because the way things are looking now i dont know. I just want to get out. Then i just have the other complete impact that im not going to get into because i just want to cry but when i do i feel im just giving into the pain or im losing my strength though i know thats not true, sometimes people need to cry to get it out but im in class and i have another class after this. Actually today has been going by kind of fast. I havent really been paying attention to half the things im doing or to the people around me. All ive done is wrote a letter to ooper and sit, stare and think all throughout lunch. I feel like im in a daze. Maybe sleep deprived. I dont know. I'm starting to lose all my motivation to get up in the morning and come to school. I feel like im lsing all my motivation that makes me want to try. I dont know what to do to gain it back. Alot of people tell me i need to do something for myself and get out and have fun.. but i have been having fun and i dont know what to do for myself.
Right now my biggest fears :
1) losing my family
2)losing my friends
3)losing myself
4)losing my chances with mysoundtrack.
I hate this whole not knowing whether me and mysoundtrack are together or just friends. I mean we definitly dont act like just friends but nothings been said to whether were more or not. Why is it that i want to do so much with him or say so mmuch to him but with one glance showing he's aknowledging me my mind just goes blank. Sometimes i dont want to do much more then just lay there with him, or just look into his eyes, but hes so outgoing and wants to wrestle me or something but i just dont have the energy to do it. I'm scared hes going to think im super boring and just wont want to take the time to let me warm up to him, but i dont know i cant let something like that get to me. I will just have to wait and see what happens. Which sucks.
Another depressing thing is i dont have a date for semi, im going to be miss 5th wheel which is amazingly great. I'm getting dressed up in my best to look good for someone yet, theres nobody thats going to appreciate it. Of course im excited to go and dance, because thats something i love to do, i love to get crazy and jump around and shake my bum. It just sucks when things slow down and im standing there in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by people holding eachother and being affectionate. Atleast i will have shortshorts to dance with because she will be doing the same.
I know shes going to read this and i just want her to know that i love her and ooper very much and i may not show it to her sometimes and i may act like a complete b*tttchhh sometimes but i dont mean anything bad! Both of them mean so much to me and i would be nothing without the support i get. I lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove them and appreciate everything both of them has ever done in the past and i promise to always be there in return. <3

You asked if i would change the past.. Chances are that i wouldent*

bleeh.
Mysoundtrack told me he doesnt want to go through another highschool relationship. He wants something more and i agree i want something more.I dislike the age i am at because its all people see and they are always like "oh your 15 you dont understand" , " you cant fall inlove when you are 15, majority of the relationships at your age and throughout highschool are all about looks and sex"
I dislike being underestimated very much. I do completely agree with most highschool relationships being based on sex and looks, because majority are but out there they're is some that have so much more depth than that. I completely disagree with people my age not being capable of understanding what love is or feeling it, because there are some people out there who have. Its something i want to feel. I want so much more than sex, i want my relationships to be built on more than looks. I want to feel that courage you get from loving that partner, and the strength in knowing that the person loves you back. I want that person to feel the same way aswell. I want to get past that euphoric stage. I feel the soil(being me) is ready to nurture(not a child haha, im refering to a tree) and support something so much bigger than I. I want to take the time for that little seed of infatuation to sprout into that 40 foot tree of mature love. When im told " iloveyou" i want it to be ment. In my opinion you cant love me after a month of dating. You cant love me after dating me for 3 months. Maybe not even 5 or 6. Love is a commitment that requires patience, confidance, discipline, concentration, faith, respect, encouragment, communication, acceptance, daily practise and soso much more.
All does seem so intimidating, but im willing to try and take all that on. I'm so tired of dating people in highschool because they dont seem to want the samethings and maturity levels of most them are ridiculous. Its just not my thing, but then people look at me like im crazy to be even hanging out with someone whose 18 or 19 let alone being with them(if i am dating one), my family doesnt seem to understand and look at me like im weird when i tell them my reasons.
Am i weird? I dont know. I'm always told to grow down because i can only be 15 for so long, but im not going to be doing anything different when im 16 from 15, or 17 from 16. So i think they should say, i can only be a teenager or young for so long. I just am tired of being 15 i would prefer to be 17. It would make things so much easier between me and someone whose 19. Any opinions on all that?

So after a pretty crazy weekend. Focusing on friday. Ive been scared to sleep bymyself. Call me insane call me crazy but is eurynome just a coincidence? i dont really think so. Maybe what i saw that night was just a shadow, but it was enough to scare the living SH*T out of me, and the random voicemail of ooper and i, just ooper and i, on shortshorts phone with no missed calls or incoming calls is kind of weird aswell. Then on monday night when i stayed at oopers house hearing that mumbling and whispering caused me to jump turn on the lights and crawl into bed with her scared me aswell. Every night this week so far ive been waking up at 3:30 or 4 o'clock on the dot. It sucks because its causing me to have a lack of sleep also considering i dont go to bed till around 12, then stay up for an hour or so after i rewake up. I'm a girl who needs her sleep and im definitly not digging the whole zombie.. look like i got punched in the eyes look. I dont know what to do about that. Paranormal Activity i tell you. thank god i didnt go and see that movie. I would be going insane right now sitting in the dark alone. Even though im not feeling to peachy in the scenario im in already but im still living. So slowly semi is creeping up and i finally got a dress. I really love how it looks on me. Short tight strapless, mysoundtrack said i'll be fighting guys off of me all night. Too funny. He said he was going to take me out to dinner at Moxies so i could re wear the dress since he doesnt get to see me in it on semi night. So thats pretty exciting :D. All i need to go buy now is some silver heels to make my shortlegs look longer and a silver necklace. Then im going to be all set. I already know what i want to do with my hair to. Im so excited. Then the next best thing is the party. I'm pumped :D

One shot, i'll take it if you let me. One thought, its you thats lying next to me.

HAHAHA.
Like i thought it wass another good weekend i have so much to talk about but im not going to go there. Friday night, i went to oopers house with shortshorts and we all hungout did some girlie stuff caught up and talked about our lives, and got into a whole thing about paranormal activity and so on. The night got pretty intense same with the following morning. Something i wont get over for a longgg time.. people just dont get it. TRIPPEN. Anyways saturday was the best day of the weekend. We all hungout at guitarists house for the night, and PARTIED again. During the time of this, mysoundtrack got a little messed up but ended up connecting to me on a whole new level. We were laying underneith guitarists computer desk and he told me a bunch of things about his past relationships and how hes scared to start one with me because he has been hurt so much before and just doesnt want to be hurt again. He told me about how he had been cheating on or when he gave someone everything he could but they told him it wasnt what they wanted, he asked me if i understood how that felt. I do know how it feels to be hurt and i got into how my exex bf, cheated on me and only kept me around for sex, and he told me that i am a very beautiful girl that deserves to be appriecated, and if he ever found out another guy that would mess with me again he would take care of them. Though violence never solves anything.He said he was a very straight up person and if he only wanted someone around for action he would tell them that and not lead them on the way he is with me, he told me he doesnt ever want to hurt a girl the way he has been hurt. He told me that he really liked me aswell. I dont remember all of it, but we lied there and talked for 3 hours straight. It was so deep and intense i wanted to cry, i could hear the pain in his voice and how much what he was saying ment to him, and the way he was complimenting me and saying things to me just made me feel good and it ment something. The thing that sucked the most was that he was not all there and might not remember it, let alone even mean it. He told me to tell him a random word that he would say the next day to show me he remembered it and ment it. Stupid me could only come up with the word monkey. So early this morning he said monkey, so i was super happy. Today we watched p.s i love you at his house and cuddled and talked about it all over again. Im so far up in the sky right now i just dont know what to do. I still know im just going to take things slow because i really want them to workout.
And oh. another thing that sucks. Guitarist found my blog and told mysoundtrack this was the name i came up for him !!!!!
Why would you do that guitarist. Why? I also think he shouldent complain about the original name i gave him because it could of been like bumhole but its not. So i think he should appreciate that.
Anyways all in all goood weekend.
Semi and PARTYboys party this weekend. YAH. im pumped :D

Look at me im actually like, some pathetic little child whose dying.. for your attention

Soo last night was prettyyy great.
I hungout at guitarists with shortshorts and mysoundtrack. We started out the night with watching twilight and i guess i looked upset so mysoundtrack and i began to wrestle he would try to tickle me or grab my feet(its a phobia of mine) so i would try to hold his hands back and he would try to hold mine to, after we cuddled a little bit, and kissed a little bit... so on. Guitarists family had chinese food for dinner and mysoundtrack had to sing for a chicken ball, so i went upstairs with him to listen to him practise, he sang his song tonight to me and it was really great. He is such a good singer it gave me goosebumps. Guitarists little brother was standing in the room aswell and he looked at him and said, jeez your just standing there all pretty and gorgous its intimadating to me then looked at me.. i wasnt shure if he was refering to me but i giggles anyway. The last great thing of the night was he asked me to come see faberdrive and the newcities concert with him on the 11th, that the girl he was going to go with.. his ex, he told her she couldent come anymore. I felt a little bad at first but then i was super excited to get some time with him and see one of my favourite bands ! YEEY. Things so far are working out great and shortshorts thinks he likes me, but im not to shure :P.
I had a weird dream last night. I almost beat up one of my good friends.. im going to call her albino because she resembles an albino girl, she is quite white.. but it was violent i got really mad at her and started randomly yelling at her because she told her mom i was hiding in her closet.. haha i have no idea why i was there. Then after me and mysoundtrack were in this room, in the JLC waiting to see a band play and he was texting this girl.. at the time i had like a HUGE crush on him to, then i heard him talking outloud what he was saying to the girl and it really hurt he was talking about hooking up with her and liking her and i asked him i thought he was into me and he said "i say the same things to everygirl i want." I felt like i was stabbed in the chest. I felt tears pool up in my eyes but i didnt let them fall i just said oh, and laughed a fake laugh.
This dream was really weird and i dont know what to think but im going to be cautious because i dont want something like that to be true.. though everyone tells me hes not that kind of person. I guess i just havee to get to know him better. On the up side of things, he wrote a poem that i inspired, i read it and really liked it. Its about being strong and always moving forward in life. One of my favourite lines of the whole thing though are : " hand in hand you lead me one step closer to eternal existance, one that embaraces emotion instead of deeming it as a sickness" He is an amazing writer in my opinion.

So tonight will be a pretty good night, after im done babysitting today im going back to my house to meet ooper and shortshorts then we can hopfully get a ride to the millpond tap and grill to see PARTYboy play and stay at oopers house, after her soccer tommorrow then we are going to shortshorts dads. Its going to be a good weekend i hope !

TIkTOk on the clock but the party dont stop ! ;]

CHEEEERRRSSS ! to Picture Us Naked for getting into a show down in PANAMA CITY, Flordia; and thanks for inviting me, it will be a good vacation PARTY and i will get lots of time with mysoundtrack :D !

So this weekend will be another pretty good weekend i think. Friday i'm going to see my friend, i will call..PARTYboy play at a restaurant with his friend. Im going to go with ooper. We will probibly eat some food while he plays and then talk afterward. I havent seen him in forever so it will be good to catch up. A little awkward because of the crush i used to have on him but other than that a goodtime. Then saturday night me and ooper are going to stay at shortshorts dads place, and were going guitarists to watch some movies with mysoundtrack, ooper and i will call him bruce. Then sunday i will hopfully be going shopping for my semi dress.
Even the following friday is going to be good because there is semi, and then PARTY at PARTYboys :D
Theres nothing much to talk about because right now life is feeling pretty square. Mostly because im in school haha, but i dont even know what to do tonight aswell. Next period i have a test on the book To Kill a Mockingbird and im not completely sure im ready for it but the review was a little simple so hopfully i do well. :]

I can tare you to peices when my heart is broken.

So last night was a good night for me, i hungout with mysoundtrack till the early am. I got into alot of trouble but it was definitly worth it. We spent most of the night at his place watching movies and kissing :D We cuddled a little bit to. One thing led to the next and the night was practically perfect. The best part was definitly when we were standing up and looking in the window at our reflection and i felt his arms wrap around me, and his head bury into the space between my neck and shoulder. For a few minutes i stood there perfectly still feeling his breath on my neck and his arms slowly drop down to my hips then back up towards my chest. When i got home i got a drink and went to bed. as soon as my head hit my pillow i was out. Today was a lame day i guess, my whole family ended up sleeping in and i missed art again. Math we did nothing but these excersizes. At lunch me and my friend im gunna call her..Ooper. Just sat around talked and listenend to her ipod. Lunch dragged along with third period.. english. All we did was some more review. Then in health class i started on a new project thats due friday. I really need to get started on the good copy for my poster too.
Now im just sitting around thinking. I dislike thinking. In the dark. When im alone, because my thoughts arent always that great. Right now im kind of questioning to whether mysoundtrack is just usuing me for sexual reasons or if his feelings are real.. if he even has feelings, but most people would agree with me he does seeing the conversations we have and the things he tells me, but who knows. I'm just hoping that hes not keeping me around for action because that would really hurt. So im just gunna hangout with him more and then see what happens. I know the signs when a guy wants just action but some a reallly good at hiding it. I just wish i could go and ask straight up but i dont want to seem crazy because we have only been hanging out for a little bit now and i already have feelings - . - Ive always fallen to fast for people but i will try to slow down. Another thing im thinking about is the fact he is a college student he told me he would overlook my age, but i think it would be hard. Like what college student would want to start a relationship with a 15 year old. There i go again jumping to far ahead. I just need to breathe.
I have alot of homework which really sucks, and i have to shower and hopfully catch up on my sleep so im going to have a tight schedule but i can never pull myself away from the computer aha. :]

Mysoundtrack.

so i had an amazing weekend. I made new friends, learned new things.. saw new moon. It was great. I stayed over at one of my best friends house.. im guunna call her shortshorts, because of a inside joke from the summer, and i pretty much owe my life to her for introducing me to this boy.. that im going to call mysoundtrack because his voice has been the soundtrack of my weekend. His speaking and his singing. Friday night.. wow what a night. I will make the long story short. We went to a show, but ended up partying in a van. The band changed one of there lyrics to better off without those b**ches in my trunk. haha so thats is mine and shortshorts new nickname. Were VIP ;). After lets just say. PARTY. We went to the guitarists house and had some fun, then went back to mysoundtracks, this is where things got good for me :) All throughout being at guitarists house me and mysoundtrack were flirting and teasing eachother i could tell he really wanted to kiss me and i did to, but i wasnt sure if i should or not. But i ended up in mysoundtracks basement with his lips pressed to mine. All i can remember is the immense butterflys and my loss for words. I also remember the shock that would run through my veins when his hand would brush along my skin, or the way my stomach twisted when he would whisper my name. I felt so great that he was acknowleging me. The only thing was. Is that i didnt want to get ahead of myself, and end up getting hurt. Though the tingly feeling i got when he would kiss my forehead or rub noses with me.
Saturday was a good and bad day, i woke up at 7 ish not feeling well from the previous night but lived. What got me through was the thought of going to see new moon with mysoundtrack, shortshorts and guitarist. When the time came we got picked up at guitarists house by mysoundtrack and went. The movie was really good. bbut i found myself concentrating on mysoundtrack most of the time, wanting to hold his hand but i just couldent bring myself to do it. Like a shy little boy on the first date. It was embarassing everytime he caught me looking at him.. i would just smile and he would smile back. By the end of the movie i was a little dissappointed because all that had happen was mysoundtrack put his arm around me for like 10 seconds and touched my hair, then dropped us off at shortshorts house and left. Depressed i sat down and watched family guy. Shortshorts texted mysoundtrack telling him to come over to hangout for a little bit with guitarist before they have to work. Once they got there we just all sat on the couch and watched some t.v and talked. I ended up getting really close to mysoundtrack and cuddling with him along with holding his hand. He also kissed me on the forehead and when he left he gave me a big hug. So i was pretty content with that. As the night came along so did the drama.. my ex that still apperently is in love with me found out i was hanging out with mysoundtrack and just flipped started to be overdramatic to the point where shortshorts got mad and so did I. I also found out that mysoundtrack said he couldent take me seriously with the ex still hanging around, he doesnt want to mess with his emotions or something like that. So i got a little upset and got mad at my ex for not thinking. Looking for attention from me he did some really stupid things that i just ignored. Then signed on msn and started to get really mad at me for not helping and saying really rude things. I knew it wasnt him because he would never say anything like he did to me. The next day come to find out it was his ex girlfriend, one of my friends to.. so i was mad that my friend would do something like that to me for the ex boyfriend she hated. Later on sunday she tried to apologize to me and say she still wanted to be my friend. Not sure if i want the same thing or not.
All sunday was pretty much a work day for me, i sat around and worked on my art project.. a self portrait . Then i sat around on the computer. I probibly had one of the best, intense and deepest conversations with mysoundtrack virtually possible we got into so much about his past and life lessons and out opinions on things. He told me some things that he hasnt even told his best friend.. let alone his parents. I felt really special and trusted to find those things out. Throughout the conversation i replayed the same for songs over and over again by his band. He being singer.. was the only way i could hear his voice without him actually being with me. Around 11 pm he really wanted to come and steal me so we could hangout because he was lonely and feeling cuddly, seeing that i was like EEEEEKKK, but i looked so bad and was half asleep so i told him another day and he said ok. It was almost midnight and i felt bad because i knew he had to wake up early to go to college, but he said he was staying up to talk to me and he votes thats a good decision. Of course i got butterflys. Finally i drag myself off the computer around 12:15 after listening to his music about 200 times per song with a smile on my face due to a great conversation. I sang myself the lyrics that i finally new and fell asleep.
It was mostly a great weekend and i can not wait to see mysoundtrack again.
I dont want to get to far ahead of myself because i dont want to be hurt, but taking that risk could end in something very well :)
ooohhhh mysoundtrack :D

...

all i want is you all over me. end of story.

In this world, anything can happen.

Her body hovers over his dead corpse. Tears spilling from her eyes wetting the front of her blouse. She slowy traces his cold cheeckbone with her fingers. Why did things have to end this way? It wasnt fair. That dark fuzzy memory flashed in her mind once again.

Slamming the door she yelled "I dont ever want to see your face again. I hate you, I will never forget what you have done to me. I dont want you in my life any longer."
"im so sorry" he whispered.
She remembered hearing his footsteps slowly drifting away along with the sound of his quiet sobs. Peeking through the window she watched him slowly pull out of her driveway onto the street. Within seconds a pickup truck sped around the corner and crashed into the drivers side of the car. Her loud scream echoed as she raced out the door. The force from the truck caused his little red car to flip three times, and land upside down. From there on it was a blur.

Though surrounded by people, she had never felt so alone. Walking away from the casket that held the person she loved so dearly was like holding her head under water when she needed to take a breath. Feeling suffocated she was forced to watch tall men dressed in black push his now eternal bed out the doors and into the car. The thought of that being the last time she would ever see his face caused her knees to buckle. Falling to the ground she felt her lips shape the word no, but there wasnt a sound made. Laying on the cold tiles she whimpered asking herself why. " I forgive you" she yelled, to an empty room. "I'm sorry" she said knowing nobody would answer. "I love you" she whispered though she would never hear those words from him again.

todays not a good day.

Not having a good day today. It hurts to think that everything that could of happenend in the past was lie. All those suspiscions I had could of been real. Who knows? When someone promises you they wont do something then turn around and does the exact opposite and you find out, It hurts. When you confront the person about it and they tell you its not true.. when you know it is. It hurts worse. When they continuosly lie to you, going on and on, trying to convince you its not true.. yet you have proof it is. Its stressful. When they blame it on there brother its pathatic. Then when they finally come out with the truth after all that its agravating. Why would you dig a hole that deep?
"I just wanted you to know how I felt" So its my fault now? great. Blame me, if it makes you feel right. When I did something that hurt you I was straight up and truthful about everything I never once lied. As if that was your goal because you had no idea i would find out about this. And if it was, what a great goal. To hurt someone you care about. I hope it was all what you wanted it to be. Congrats.. are you proud now? Do you feel fullfilled? After all that.. I shure hope so. You blew any chance of getting back together. I dont trust you anymore. As for our friendship not to shure where its going to go from here. Maybe in the future I will forgive you.
Sometimes life sucks.

Reflection

That girl i see, staring back at me in the puddle on the street. Who is she? Black tears from her mascara run down her cheeks from her demon like eyes. Bloodshot and burning. Her hair wet, whipping her face in the wind. I can see the pain slaped across her face, i can see that isolated bubble that perminitly keeps her from everyone else. I can see she feels abnormal. She is alone. Lost in the mess of the life god had given her. Lost in this giant unfair world. Looking up she continues to walk down the street, searching for something she knows, someone she knows.


i dont know what else to write. so thats the ending. fornow.

Yesterdays conference.

Reflecting on yesterday the first thing that comes to my mind is Kim fleets story. The story of Laura Wilson. A girl that was in a controlling relationship with a guy, they were really on and off for a while then finally after a while she got sick of it and broke up with him for good. He continuously called her and called her and she never picked up, he would leavemany msgs saying shes a slut and how could she not be with him. When he called on a different cell phone laura picked up and he asked her if she had a bf and she said yes she did.. when she didnt she was just fed up. After kim and laura went to bed, they heard the glass in the front room smash and they got up to see who it was.. it was lauras ex boyfriend. In the end. Lauras ex boyfriend stabbed her to death and beat her.. also hit kim and cut her shoulder with the knife. This story slightly scared me a little bit because it reminded me of some things that had happenend in the past of course i could never really relate to what kim went through, but the things about lauras bf continuously calling her and saying that he needed her and leaving lots of msgs and how he seems slightly.. obsessed with her. I think Kims msg to us is to watch out for ourselves and for our friends in relationships, to know the warning signs because anything could happen. Abuse could happen to you. Another thing i liked was the sexual assult presentation, the girl made alot of points. approx. 80% of sexual assults are done by someone you know, and that most names we call people relate to female..whether its female anatomy or being like a female. I think its weird how things are like that. Some of the things i learned are that if you feel something is wrong, make a big deal about it because what if something does happen? If you ignore the feeling it would be to late. Rather be safe then sorry. If nothing was going to happen then you can laugh about it later. Another thing i learned was that if you feel you are being followed turn around and look at that person it makes you less of a target. Make sure you stay 2 arm lengths away, when he gets closer you back up. Always make sure your looking at them to that way it doesnt give them a chance to grap you when your not looking. I think this trip was a very good one, and i learned alot of different things. I would recommend going to one. :]

Its been a little while since ive last written in here so there is quite a bit to get caught up on. The past week has been really bad for me, so much has went on. Im going to start with on Sunday night. When my mom got back from work me and my bf where in my room and she came in and asked me if i noticed my dad walking around anywhere and i said no.. what are you talking about? She told me for the last couple of hours my dad had been stalking around our house and our street waiting for my mom to come home, and it turned out he was sitting across the road under a tree watching me and my bf walk inside. Scary. He got into a fight with his mom and left.. walked to where i live and waited. He wanted to talk to my mom.. or just come back to his old family. My mom had to get a ride home from her friend and get walked inside. My dad isnt suppost to be within 100 metres of our home.. her work. us and our schools but he broke the restrains. She told me she was going to the police. I got really upset and started to cry, i begged her not to because i knew he would go back to jail for a really long time and i didnt even want him to go to jail the first time, but she told me she shouldent have to be scared in her own house. So she did and i listened to the police drive around my home until they found him. I was really upset and felt super sorry for my boyfriend having to be there through all this. I was so depressed i didnt even move i sat on my bed staring at my feet with tears falling down my face. I listened to my mom give her statement about what happened and the police say he will be charged once more for breaking 3 of his stipulations and then leave. I cryed even more at the thought of my dad not making it through. I dont know how long he will be going to jail this time. Why is he so dumb sometimes it really hurts me. I dont even know what to do anymorre. That whole niight i stayed up and finally fell asleep at 6 a.m. I didnt have to go to school the next day my whole family stayed home. Everyone was upset. Theeen Later on that night i broke up with my boyfriend. We are taking a break. I think i really need to figure out my feelings for him because its so unfair and maybe were ment to be friends? I dont know. I'm just going to see where this takes us. Those were the big downfalls of my week there are alot of other little thingss that have happenend but i would rather not mention some on here. whooof. Well getting more positive im excited for the weekend. Friday im going to the football game and then maybe a party or just going to a friends house. Then saturday im going to hangout in dorchester with a couple of new friends ive met and have a sleepover, yeeey ! Then sunday im going to try one of the practises for indoor field hockey and see if i like it. If i do im going to order a stick and keep going back. There house league season starts in january. Until then its just practising skills. That would be good for me, i want to learn how to deek and drive better. :)

Some of the things ive wrote

Some of my writing ..

Her minds racing as her feet catch up. I have to go, i have to get out. I cant take it anymore. Im scared. What do i do? the pain inflicted on me over the years marks my soul, haunts my memories. The darkness swallows the town as my heartache grows. The blackness under my eyes resembles the blackness of my blood that burns through my veins. I can only take so much for i am only human. Run faster he's coming says my mind but my throbbing legs began to shake and just then gave out. I toppled to the ground. I rolled over so i was lying on my back facing the sjy. There was a full moon. I watched as the faded clouds moved slowly across the sky. What an eerie yet beautiful night it was. Almost too good to be true, and I was right. I felt his cold hand move up and down my spine and then underneith my shirt. I trembled as he rolled me over and pulled me underneith of his body. I was a toy to him. Yet to mr, he was somone i trusted. Or someone i was supposed to be able to trust. I winced through the shocking pain that shot through my body. Not only was he hurting me physically he was hurting me emotionally, but there was nothing i could do now. I was just a child, small and weak and he was a man, muscular and full of strength. He was a man with need, needs that fed off of my body for years now. I just lyed there limp and closed my eyes. I hoped that i could fall asleep because i knoew that this would end sometime,until tommorrow that is. I wake up each and everyday to his face, his wicked lips purse as he kisses my mother on the forehead. When he looks up i just smile, a fake smile that has been painted on my face for 6 years. I dont say a word..

a rhyming couplet -
Upon me my misery lay, in the dark i think of the day, you were once there to hold me tight, shooting stars never shine this bright, then you left against my will, a heart may hurt but memories kill, stupid girl how could you be so numb, now here you lay alone and numb.

Free Verse-
Faded memories replay in my mind like a broked record, his blue eyes gleam in the sunlight as he purses his lips, boom boom; boom boom; my heart thuds as he leans in, i can still feel the softness of his lips pressed to my skin, like a light brush from a feathe setting my nerves on fire but as wild as a cheetah ready to pounce, through my veins burning desire pulses, heating up my skin, just like the way my warm pride does falling from my eyes. I'd give anything to relive those memories i will treasure forever. The world is crashing down around me, like the earth is being violently shaken. Like prey being fed upon by a lion i am being ripped apart. I am broken. But through the darkness i seek a light, the first cut is the deepest but no matter how deep a gash may be. Time shall heal it.

random-
Slowly his cold hand slide down my back to pull my body closer. My heart hammers as his grip locks into an unbreakable hold. I twisted my hands through his hair and pressed my lips to his. I can feel his breath against my cold skin. I let my hands drop so i could wrap them around his neck. I traced his bottem lip with my tongue. As he pulled away he lifted my chin up with his bold hands to stare deep into my eyes. Wow he was gorgous. " i love you" a smile spread across his face as his lips formed the words. The street light lit the pitch black night that layed on top of us. My heart stopped as i whispered " i love you too." More then he would ever know. I reached up and touched his face, brushing my fingers slowly across his cheekbone, while i intwined my other hand in his. He leaned down to kiss my nose and then my lips. I made a face then covered it with my hand."Ew" i grumbled
"dont" he grabbed my hand and pulled it to my side. "You're beautiful." He said as he ran his fingers through my hair then kissed my forehead.

random-
Then she turned to him and said " I dont need you to hold me up anymore. I dont need you to get me through my day. Slowly im finding myself in this mess you've made me. You taken me and shaken me you broke me and soaked me in my lonely tears. I dont need you anymore.

Meeeh,

Soo, today was just another regular day.. get up. get dressed.. go to school. art,math,health english. whoot. Wow am i miss hollywood or what.. no followers. haha. Anyways im not shure what to do anymore. Im starting to lose alot of feelings for my current boyfriend. Im starting to be interested in other guys asweell and i definitly think that is noot fair for him. Usually its the guys that are in this position but not this time.. my current is completely different from most guys. He doesnt look at other girls when im around. I dont even know if he does when im not around. He is the one that always crys and says he doesnt want to lose me when we get into fights and he buys me whatever i want... where not just about sex either. I dont know.. he just does everything right. So what is my problem?! I guess im just getting bored. Its weird for me because i love him half the time and then the other half i dont. I just dont know what to do.. Help? Another pretty crappy thing about life right now is my friend, in the summer ended up having sex with her bestfriends ex and she didnt want anyone to know because she didnt want to get a name and she didnt even know why she did it. Buuuut it got out somehow, and now alot of people are saying its whorish and its just stressing her out. Which means its stressing me out aswell because i know what its like to sort of be in her shoes and i know how to feel and im trying my best to help her aswell, thoughh its getting no where. Eventually it will pass seeing as life goes on but.. i just hate drama. In my opinion. Crap happens, in life you make mistakes. Then you learn from them and it sucks when people give you a hard time along the way. She'll get through it though. I know that :)

A year ago from today.

A year ago from today i was probibly the happiest girl alive, though i was going through tough times with my dad and family, i was asked out by a guy 2 years older than me and felt amazing, i didnt know how much my feelings from then on would grow. This guy was my first love. I would never want to leave his side, i did everything i could for this one boy. We were attatched at the hip. Not only was he my boyfriend, he grew to be a bestfriend and somewhat like a father figure aswell. He would come get me if i needed to get out, he would push me in school and get mad at me when i did something i shouldent of, he protected me like a father. He was also like my medicine.. he scared away all the memories of my father that i would re-live in my dreams. That i would think about during the day. I just concentrated on him. My life seemed great. Like i said i gave everything to this boy.. even my virginity, when i wasnt ready.. but it didnt matter it made him happy. He seemed crazy about me too, buying me a ring and a cute stone with a cute saying on it. I loved him. Months later i went out for a weekend with my friend.. the longest i had been away from him. We had no contact and the day i got back he told me he wanted to be single again. That me being gone reminded him of when he was single. When he was free. I was crushed. Mostly mad at myself. I didnt know who i was anymore. I changed myself to be what he wanted. The next few weeks, were full of tears and sleepless nights. I went to school and dragged through my classes, then i went home and cried. My life just seemed to get worse. Not only did the dreams about my father come back, thoughts of him did to. I didnt want to be anywhere but in his arms.. What hurts the most was walking through the hallways and seeing him knowing that nothing would ever be the same and then watching a friend disappear around the corner aswell. It felt like i was always losing, when will i WIN ?! Thinking about it still makes me upset because ive never felt as strongly for one person since.. Though ive moved on and now am in a new relationship i miss my ex sometimes.
But im looking at it as a learning expierence i will never make the mistakes i did with him. My new boyfriend will love me for who i am, i wont change for him I will have a life outside of my boyfriend and not spend every day every minute with him. My new boyfriend will accept that i dont want to have sex all the time and i will when im ready. My ex is still single now, but i know feeling on top of the world and it makes me mad how he can be so happy but, life goes on right?