Wednesday, July 28, 2010

im as calm as the breeze, im the bees knees his legs and his arms ima superstar girl

its been a while since ive posted in here but i thought i should update anyone who reads this. My summer is going alrigt not as great as i hoped but still a good time. i really want to get back in cheer bad. somehow i really wish east could get a team theres so much talent, but im probibly just gunna join london heat or vipers or something. I definitly wish i did field hockey this summer im excited to go back to school and tryout though my attendance was terrible last semester but im still gunna try. my birthday is coming up soon i want to go shopping in toronto and go to wonderland. im gunna try for a new style this year. im probibly getting extentionss to. im gunna get my belly button peirced soon to hopefully :)
uhm me and will, its almost our 6 months, right now were going through a stage i believe we fight atleast once a day for 20-hour. but he stopped doing drugs for his family because he got caught which is probibly one of the bes thing that has happened for him and he is transfering to east, it will be better for him bc he has to pull up his pants or he is kicked outta my house. i think i can finally say i love the boy, because hes not just a bf to me hes like my best friend. honestly hes my number one right now. i havent seen ali in ages it seems like we can never make enough time for eachother were always busy when we call and ask eachother to hangout. so hopefully on my bday we can have a girls night out or something and im hopefully gunna have a party.
im actually excited to go back to school i like my classes besides the 2 grade 10 classes i have to retake, im pumped for the dance one for sure and fashions and fitness :)
but im going to get some hair dye, ill post another blog sooon

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Maybe your gunna be the one that saves mee and afterall, your my wonderwall

I had a great may 2-4 weekend. I did lots of things but my favourite day was yesterday. Craig, Alyssa, Jenn, Will and I went to lake whitiker and went swimming in the lake. It was soo warm ! Like it was atleast 80 degrees, i was scared to walk in because there was supposively snapping turtles so Will would carry me out and squat in the water and i would sit on him, then we brough a picnic table in andsat on that and pushed eachother off for a little bit till everyone was wet. Then we tried doing this trust thing where we all grabbed hand and leaned back and tried to balance but we always ended up falling in. Then we played chicken. I got on Wills shoulders and then Jen got on Craigs and we tried to push eachother over, lastly we just sat on the picnic table and talked. Will took me for a walk through the camping sites to show me where his trailor used to be thn we decided we were gunna go camping sometime soon maybe this weekend coming up or next. We went on th swings for a bit and then headed out. We had to take alyssa home to wallacburg to. This weekend we also went to grand bend for a couple of hours and went to a bunch of parties it was super fun. Me and Will still fight quite a bit its nothing super big and our longest one lasted only a couple of hours but i hate when we fight its over stupid things to, and Will is so friggen moody. Everyone swears he has bipolar. His moods change faster then a clock. It can be bad. But we always work it out in the end. I wrote him a letter telling him how ive been feeling about somethings and about how its normal to fight once in a while in a relationship and just about alot of things and it made him cry. It was so cute i thought. I really want him to start having some goals inlife. I finally found out that he wanted to be a marine biologist since he was little but he given up on that because he doesnt want to go back to school. Im really trying to talk him into going back because he really will need it in the end. I also really need to get back to school, this year is almost over and its not looking to good but i have many new goals for next year to help improve. I want to work my bum off to get back to where i used to be when i had 90's in all my classes. Im trying out for Powercheergym vipers on thursday im a little nervous but really pumped because i want to get back into it but im scared there going to make me take my peircings out. I definitly would NOT take out my tongue, and i dont want to take out my nose but id consider it. If they do tell me to i probibly wont do it and just see if theres a team i could help with or anyway i could try and get east elgin a team. Or maybe cheerleading just isnt my sport anymore :( i really miss it though !

Sunday, May 9, 2010

and i aint going out with no pain, wada da dang wada dada daang

so i have quite a bit to talk about, the past couple of days between me and will have been so crazy. We have been fighting a bit over the most stupid things and i hate it so much, but were trying to get through it.. i'll start from the beginning. So on thursday will and his friend chad were fighting because i guess Will owed him money for alcohol, so kay whatever. The next day i was talking to chads girlfirend about it and she asked me if i knew what the money that he owed chad was for, and i said ya.. alcohol. and she was like BULL SH*T. and i was like NO WAY. what was it for and she said blow. COCAINE. i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT IT. I was sooo pissed off, i wanted to break up with him. i started like hitting stuff andd kicking stuf because i told him if he ever did it i woould leave him and he said he wouldent then he went out and did it, i called him and SCREAMED at him and he argued with me back asking why i was making it such a big deal, and i told him about my past and how he didnt understand my dad used to do it infront of me and how i felt like a peice of shit because it seemed like he didnt care. then he was like it was only one time blah blah then i was like thats all it took for my dad to get hooked and shit and how do i know he wasnt going to do it again behind my back? then he was like this isnt a good time to talk about this ill call you later bye i love you and i didnt say anything i just hungup and threw the phone. then he called me at like 8 later that night and i didnt answer the phone, then he sent me and inbox and 8 20 i didnt answer it and then he called me like 3 more times and i didnt answer until 9 and he was telling me how sorry he was and he couldent risk losing me, he told me he would stop smoking and doing weed and especially blow because there was more important things in life like me. i didnt completely believe him but i took it back anyways and told him he has one more chance.. he lost my trust though in that sense of things.. and he told me he didnt know it hurt me so much but he still has no idea its what i haave been thinking about for the past couple of days and just picturing him doing it.. it hurts so bad. We ended up hanging out that night and things got a little bit better, i felt a little bit better but the next day we went and hungout with his friends and went skateboarding and he was drinking.. he was asking everybody for smokes and he knows that i want him to quit to because of his asthema so when he got a smoke i took it away and i asked him why he told me he was gunna quit everything if he really wasnt and that bothered me. so when he lit one up i was like alright apperently smoking is more important so he ripped the smoke up and i took a bite of my ice cream and smiled he thought i was pissed or something still so walked away and went into a different car and i folllowed him and said whats wrong and he got mad at me and wouldent look at me so i said okay when your ready we can talk, for the rest of the night we stayed away from eachother. then finally i went and talked to him. he got upset because he didnt think that i ever came chasing after him when we got into fights and there fore i dont care pretty much but i tol dhim how that was so untrue.. we talked it all out and things were better again. We went back to his house adn went to bed. the next day we decided to go to the movies, he started to get jelous because of how many guys were looking at me so he started chirping everyone and being stupid and then i got mad and embarassed and said i was not going to a mall with him again so he got pissed and walked away then craig went after him and me and alyssa just walked away to, then because we were seperated and the mall was so big we couldent find eachother for like another hour. So me and alyssa got pictures together while they did who knows what, over time we eventualy ran into eachother and will just walked away from me and i tried to talk to him, then i forget what he said but it really upset me so i just ran out the nearest exit he grabbed onto me right before i was out the doors and then we started fighting. I stayed quit but he was yelling at me and people were staring and it was just bad. We didnt even talk it out enough to make it better we just said we were done fighting and gave eachother a hug, during the movie though he told me he loved me lots of times and saw i was upset so he laid his head on me and kissed me on the cheek but it wasnt until when the movie was over and we were in the caar that made me feel better, he whispered in my ear that w ecant let these things get between us because we were stronger then that. So i smiled then kissed him. That night i ended up drinking alot and was a little tipsey :S but we had an amazing talk that made both of us cry and made things better. then yesterday things were alot better he was just grumpy because his mom wouldent give him money so he ignored me for a bit. I think we just need some space from eachother for a bit so last night i went home for the first time in a week and a half and spent the night with my cousin it was fun to. Ill probibly stay with him again tonight but then not see him till wednesday.. i hope things will get better though, i know we can make it through this little phase or whatever.

Monday, May 3, 2010

let's trade shoes just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain, you feel mine. go inside each others minds

WAHOO, two weeks late but i got my period. Terrible cramps, terrible pms and major fatigue butt I GOT IT. I'm not pregnant YEEY. That little expierence scared the POOOP out of me, never am i gunna have unprotected sex again, infact im going to go on birthcontrol again asap and always use condoms (y) BE SAFE. So i have a bit on my mind lately, people tell me that me and Will seem like the couple who could be together forever and Will tells me how he loves me more then anything and that he doesnt want to have kids with anyone except me and wants to be with me pretty much forever. But what gets me is, is this really love? am i really in love? Does he really love me? He says that if he had any concept of it, its what he feels for me.. does our feelings grow even more then where we are at right now? I mean forever.. ya id love to spend forever with him but do i even really know him yet.. we have only been dating for almost 3 months. thats not long at all. He finally opened up to me lastnight he told me things that he doesnt like to tell people because he thinks they are downfalls when really its just part of what makes him who he is. What if someone better comes along, i dont like usuing those words but were so long, we have the whole world ahead of us with so many people out there left to meet. I mean i'd love to tell him that he means everything to me, but i dont know if he does because i dont even know if this is real. Maybe its just infatuation, i dontknow?
Lately ive been sad at night and have not been able to sleep well because i always wish i was with him. During the day im perfectly fine, i actually like going out and doing me, doing what i like to do and being with my friends but come 8 o clock all i want to do is lay down and cuddle with him but hes like 40 minutes away :(
I just wish i could drive but i have to wait a whole nother year before i can drive on my own, and have a car. I also just want to move out on my own aswell. I want to start my own life already and im only 15 years old. Its so frustrating. I dont even know why i feel this way. Lastly, its may, its almost been 2years since my dad first went to jail and this whole new rollercoaster started. I have an oral hearing in june which im so nervous for but it will benefit me in the end. Im also deciding that im going to do this thing, where i can eventually become a youth leader, i just go to this meetings called focus groups and talk about drugs and our opinions on it and how it has effected us in the past and the people around us, it gets me community hours aswell for school which is a benefit.
And on a brighter side of things, im passing 3 of my classes which suprises me because ive missed so much, but im going to go everyday this semester or whats left of it to try and get my marks up to 70's atleast.. :)
Ou and i found a new favourite song. If it means alot to you by a day to remember, Beautiful - Eminem, Despicable- Eminem, Not afraid - Eminem and We be steady mobbin- lil wayne :)
im looking forward to your response mrs. roth, you always help :) thank you

Monday, April 26, 2010

Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore.

So i dont really know where to start today. I guess ill start with the good. I had a great weekend ! Alyssa came down again everynight we had fun and we made a new friend. Her name is turbo tina, shes a LLAMMA ! Our friend craig lives across the road from a farm that has like 8 llammas, Tina was the only brown one. We call her TURBO tina because when me and alyssa run along the fence she would always follow us, and then eventually we started racing her. She runs so fast. We would go out every morning, and everytime as soon as tina laid eyes on us she would run to the fence. I tried to feed her but she just spit on me, i guess she doesnt like the type of grass i had. We went to the drive in aswell and saw kickass I got to get all cuddley with william which was good. I saw will everyday this weekend aswell. Were getting so much closer, now we can talk about anything and do just about anything infront of eachother without getting embarassed. Like when we are bored and just kissing eachother between every breathe we tend to make some sort of animal noise, mostly meows its a little weird but it always makes me laugh. And theres just so much more i could go on about with him and i but it would take to much time. Hes trying to find a job right now which is really good because we and our friends still want to find our own place and i just want a whole new start, ive dug myself in so deep i just dont know what to do anymore. I want to transfer to a catholic school in woodstock now, with Alyssa and Amanda. I want to make new friends aswell and meet new people. I wouldent forget my old ones but still. Right now i feel a bit overwhelmed, mostly because my period is a week late and i might be pregnant. I dont know what to do if i am either. Im not ready for a baby.. im only 15 years old. I couldent take care of it and go to school. Id have to get a job because my mom wouldent have enough to support it and its not her responsibility to anyways. I dont think id want to give up my body aswell to nurture a baby and i dont want to know what labour pains feel like till 10 years from now.. Will said if i did choose to have it hed work two jobs and i could work aswell and if we do get that apartment wed have somewhere to stay and i might be able to get student welfare but it wouldent be easy. Im not ready. But everytime i think about an abortion it makes me what to cry because ive already grown an attatchment to something i dont even know if its there, but just the thought of taking life from something, and the thought of having something grow inside of me and me giving life to something but its such a huge responsibility. My mom keeps asking me why i keep torchering myself like this.I dont know why, im much smarter. But this is teaching me a lesson and scaring the living SH*T out of me and Will. It definitly is something that would never happen again..
My mom is now making me be home early sunday mornings so i can have a day to do things for me, like my laundry and my homework so i can get back on my feet, she says im so much better then what i have been being lately. Its just getting worse aswell, and its hurting my mom because she feels she cant do anything about it. I think this will help me a little. That way i could spend time with her aswell. I stayed home from school oncee again today, my teachers definitly arent going to be pleased, but i really am going to try in the next couple of months to attend more and get my grades back up and just get out of grade 10. urg.

Monday, April 12, 2010

April showers bring May flowers.

wow, what a weekend. Again i spent the whole thing with will. We definitly bonded this weekend i think (thanks for the ideas mrs roth). Wills backyard is so big, he has woods where his dad goes deer hunting, he brought me all through there and down by this swamp. It was beautiful, i saw little chipmunks chasing after eachother and this hill filled with pretty flowers. He also drove me around on his doom buggy it was a one seater so i had to sit on his lap, i steered while he pressed the gas and break. We went to a party on friday, with my cousin ( shes down by the way ) then saterday we didnt do to much. I got mad at him again, i guess it was just an over reaction but we talked it out and everything was much better afterwards we started to do things that brought us closer. Sunday we went for the walk and the ride on his doom buggy, then we hungout with chad and alyssa. The boys went skateboarding and us girls watched, then we went to jesses place for cake, because it was a friends birthday. He aknowleged me so much more during this point of time. Afterwards we went downstairs and had a little bit to drink and we layed together on a couch waiting for the boys to come back and we wrestled eachother and he would tickle me to death and kiss me all over really fast so it would tickle to and it was cute:] Then last night he slept over again, we cuddled with eachother all night. He told me alot of personal things, and things that he wanted in the future. At the moment he isnt in that great of a position. Hes suspended again for skipping class so much. He is thinking about getting a job and dropping out. I smacked him when he said that and told him he should stay in school he will regret it so much later. So now hes going to work and go to school. Today hes actually making 200 dollars for picking up scrap metal and what not which is great for him. I need to get a job, a good job especially if i was considering moving out. Alyssas social worker gave her a number to a place where, once your 16 aslong as you go to school you can have someone pay for your share of the rent or all of your rent, which i think would be amazing for me to have if i could. That way that would be one less thing id have to pay for and then id just pay my share for water, cable and food.
Lately ive been so much happier, i dont think ive ever been truley sad or really mad. When im home im getting along much better with my family other then the school thing. Im failing science, im so far behind i dont know what to do. I barly ever go to that class, and i need it for my future but i know im going to fail :/ Even if i go more im going to fail, so i might do summer school or hopefully if i can credit recovery then talk to my guidance counciller about staying in university level biology and chemistry. All my other classes are good, im passing them with above 70's which is my goal for now. But i just dont know what to do about that. I know that my teacher dislikes me for missing her class and i totally understand its very disrespectful but now im scared of her LOL. its a little bit frustrating though. Ive put myself in a bad position here.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Boo poopy day

Well i am not excited for today one its like pouring so i have to walk to school in the rain, two its only thursday so i still have one more day of school after today and three i have to write the literacy test, which made me have to wake up earlier to get to school earlier. Boo ! Atleast i can come home today and say " Well thats done". Im positive i will pass it aswell because im good at this kind of stuff and did well on the pre test :).
So last night i made the most stupidest mistake ever, after going through the whole do not have unprotected sex talk since i was in grade 6, i would go and have unprotected sex. Way to be safe kristen. I dont know where my head was at the time but i wasnt thinking. He told me he pulled out but that still doesnt include pre ejaculation and im not on the pill so thats awesome. so im going to have to see if i can get the emergancy concreceptive pill just incase i dont want to take my chances. GRR. im usually so much more smart then this.
Will came over last night, obviously and we watched sherlock holmes together.. but he fell asleep! Pretty much the whole time he was over he slept, it made me a little sad to because he wasnt evven cuddling with me, he just layed on my bed, took up most of it and slept. Then his mom came and i couldent even get him up. After he left i was really sad because i probibly wont get to see him till sunday. If im lucky friday which isnt that bad but still. On the bright side i knew he felt bad and as soon as he got home he called me. When i said hello the first thing he said was i love you and i feel bad, i didnt even know i fell asleep." I felt much better after this especially because he was so tired, he still put out the effort to call me haha. He wrote on my wall yesterday to, he signed his name somewhere and my bed is up agaisnt the wall and that is where he sleeps when he sleeps over and he put " This wall is wills side of the bed, stay off ! i love you" then put a heart. Also at the end of the bed he put a heart with KB in it. It made me smile.
I want to know some good ways to bond with him, different things we could do together to get closer because i want to be closer with him.