Monday, May 3, 2010

let's trade shoes just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain, you feel mine. go inside each others minds

WAHOO, two weeks late but i got my period. Terrible cramps, terrible pms and major fatigue butt I GOT IT. I'm not pregnant YEEY. That little expierence scared the POOOP out of me, never am i gunna have unprotected sex again, infact im going to go on birthcontrol again asap and always use condoms (y) BE SAFE. So i have a bit on my mind lately, people tell me that me and Will seem like the couple who could be together forever and Will tells me how he loves me more then anything and that he doesnt want to have kids with anyone except me and wants to be with me pretty much forever. But what gets me is, is this really love? am i really in love? Does he really love me? He says that if he had any concept of it, its what he feels for me.. does our feelings grow even more then where we are at right now? I mean forever.. ya id love to spend forever with him but do i even really know him yet.. we have only been dating for almost 3 months. thats not long at all. He finally opened up to me lastnight he told me things that he doesnt like to tell people because he thinks they are downfalls when really its just part of what makes him who he is. What if someone better comes along, i dont like usuing those words but were so long, we have the whole world ahead of us with so many people out there left to meet. I mean i'd love to tell him that he means everything to me, but i dont know if he does because i dont even know if this is real. Maybe its just infatuation, i dontknow?
Lately ive been sad at night and have not been able to sleep well because i always wish i was with him. During the day im perfectly fine, i actually like going out and doing me, doing what i like to do and being with my friends but come 8 o clock all i want to do is lay down and cuddle with him but hes like 40 minutes away :(
I just wish i could drive but i have to wait a whole nother year before i can drive on my own, and have a car. I also just want to move out on my own aswell. I want to start my own life already and im only 15 years old. Its so frustrating. I dont even know why i feel this way. Lastly, its may, its almost been 2years since my dad first went to jail and this whole new rollercoaster started. I have an oral hearing in june which im so nervous for but it will benefit me in the end. Im also deciding that im going to do this thing, where i can eventually become a youth leader, i just go to this meetings called focus groups and talk about drugs and our opinions on it and how it has effected us in the past and the people around us, it gets me community hours aswell for school which is a benefit.
And on a brighter side of things, im passing 3 of my classes which suprises me because ive missed so much, but im going to go everyday this semester or whats left of it to try and get my marks up to 70's atleast.. :)
Ou and i found a new favourite song. If it means alot to you by a day to remember, Beautiful - Eminem, Despicable- Eminem, Not afraid - Eminem and We be steady mobbin- lil wayne :)
im looking forward to your response mrs. roth, you always help :) thank you

1 comment:

  1. Firstly, I am glad you are relieved you got your period and hope the scare will be a good life lesson for you in the future, though I think you can avoid the stress of 'not knowing' simply by taking a pregnancy test. They are very accurate when taken after the point which your period is due.

    I am also glad to hear that you're passing 3 of your classes. Does that mean you're totally giving up on Science (if that's the one you're failing)?

    What exactly does the oral hearing entail? I can't imagine how nerve-racking that, and the anniversary of your Dad going to jail, must be. It's a lot for a 15 year old to deal with and may be contributing to how you feel about wanting to move forward and move out of the house. There's a lot in the way of memories where you are - that can intensify the emotions you are already overwhelmed with, and the space you live in can start to feel toxic when its clouded with all of the energy from your past.

    Be patient. I know that's a lamoid grown-up thing for me to be saying to you, but you are very smart and have all of your credits except for one at this point. There's light at the end of this tunnel you are in, in fact, it seems as though you are coming out the other side. And think about it: you have completed grade 9 and 10 in 2 months from now (albeit 1 credit short...) and have only 2 more years of school left - that is also symbollic of coming out of the tunnel since you are almost at the half way point.

    You are going to be an excellent youth leader and counsellor, if that's what you want to do. Your compassion for others and first-hand experience with overcoming major obstacles will make you credible and inspiring to all with whom you work. Let's start looking into your options for such a profession so you know what courses to take etc. This isn't the first time you've talked about doing something like this - go with it!!

    As for love of infatuation,here are some things I found on-line:

    Would you chose to spend the evening alone with him/her if there were no kissing, no touching, and no sex? If yes, it's love.

    Do you treat each other like equals, with each person giving and taking the same amount in all aspect of the relationship? If yes, it's love.

    Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.

    Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.

    Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

    Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.

    Infatuation says, "We must get married right away! I can't risk losing you!"

    Love says, "Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence."

    Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you can admit it is difficult to be in one another's company unless you are sure it will end - in intimacy.

    Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

    Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating. Sometimes you check.

    Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.

    Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.

    Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person.