Monday, April 26, 2010

Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore.

So i dont really know where to start today. I guess ill start with the good. I had a great weekend ! Alyssa came down again everynight we had fun and we made a new friend. Her name is turbo tina, shes a LLAMMA ! Our friend craig lives across the road from a farm that has like 8 llammas, Tina was the only brown one. We call her TURBO tina because when me and alyssa run along the fence she would always follow us, and then eventually we started racing her. She runs so fast. We would go out every morning, and everytime as soon as tina laid eyes on us she would run to the fence. I tried to feed her but she just spit on me, i guess she doesnt like the type of grass i had. We went to the drive in aswell and saw kickass I got to get all cuddley with william which was good. I saw will everyday this weekend aswell. Were getting so much closer, now we can talk about anything and do just about anything infront of eachother without getting embarassed. Like when we are bored and just kissing eachother between every breathe we tend to make some sort of animal noise, mostly meows its a little weird but it always makes me laugh. And theres just so much more i could go on about with him and i but it would take to much time. Hes trying to find a job right now which is really good because we and our friends still want to find our own place and i just want a whole new start, ive dug myself in so deep i just dont know what to do anymore. I want to transfer to a catholic school in woodstock now, with Alyssa and Amanda. I want to make new friends aswell and meet new people. I wouldent forget my old ones but still. Right now i feel a bit overwhelmed, mostly because my period is a week late and i might be pregnant. I dont know what to do if i am either. Im not ready for a baby.. im only 15 years old. I couldent take care of it and go to school. Id have to get a job because my mom wouldent have enough to support it and its not her responsibility to anyways. I dont think id want to give up my body aswell to nurture a baby and i dont want to know what labour pains feel like till 10 years from now.. Will said if i did choose to have it hed work two jobs and i could work aswell and if we do get that apartment wed have somewhere to stay and i might be able to get student welfare but it wouldent be easy. Im not ready. But everytime i think about an abortion it makes me what to cry because ive already grown an attatchment to something i dont even know if its there, but just the thought of taking life from something, and the thought of having something grow inside of me and me giving life to something but its such a huge responsibility. My mom keeps asking me why i keep torchering myself like this.I dont know why, im much smarter. But this is teaching me a lesson and scaring the living SH*T out of me and Will. It definitly is something that would never happen again..
My mom is now making me be home early sunday mornings so i can have a day to do things for me, like my laundry and my homework so i can get back on my feet, she says im so much better then what i have been being lately. Its just getting worse aswell, and its hurting my mom because she feels she cant do anything about it. I think this will help me a little. That way i could spend time with her aswell. I stayed home from school oncee again today, my teachers definitly arent going to be pleased, but i really am going to try in the next couple of months to attend more and get my grades back up and just get out of grade 10. urg.

Monday, April 12, 2010

April showers bring May flowers.

wow, what a weekend. Again i spent the whole thing with will. We definitly bonded this weekend i think (thanks for the ideas mrs roth). Wills backyard is so big, he has woods where his dad goes deer hunting, he brought me all through there and down by this swamp. It was beautiful, i saw little chipmunks chasing after eachother and this hill filled with pretty flowers. He also drove me around on his doom buggy it was a one seater so i had to sit on his lap, i steered while he pressed the gas and break. We went to a party on friday, with my cousin ( shes down by the way ) then saterday we didnt do to much. I got mad at him again, i guess it was just an over reaction but we talked it out and everything was much better afterwards we started to do things that brought us closer. Sunday we went for the walk and the ride on his doom buggy, then we hungout with chad and alyssa. The boys went skateboarding and us girls watched, then we went to jesses place for cake, because it was a friends birthday. He aknowleged me so much more during this point of time. Afterwards we went downstairs and had a little bit to drink and we layed together on a couch waiting for the boys to come back and we wrestled eachother and he would tickle me to death and kiss me all over really fast so it would tickle to and it was cute:] Then last night he slept over again, we cuddled with eachother all night. He told me alot of personal things, and things that he wanted in the future. At the moment he isnt in that great of a position. Hes suspended again for skipping class so much. He is thinking about getting a job and dropping out. I smacked him when he said that and told him he should stay in school he will regret it so much later. So now hes going to work and go to school. Today hes actually making 200 dollars for picking up scrap metal and what not which is great for him. I need to get a job, a good job especially if i was considering moving out. Alyssas social worker gave her a number to a place where, once your 16 aslong as you go to school you can have someone pay for your share of the rent or all of your rent, which i think would be amazing for me to have if i could. That way that would be one less thing id have to pay for and then id just pay my share for water, cable and food.
Lately ive been so much happier, i dont think ive ever been truley sad or really mad. When im home im getting along much better with my family other then the school thing. Im failing science, im so far behind i dont know what to do. I barly ever go to that class, and i need it for my future but i know im going to fail :/ Even if i go more im going to fail, so i might do summer school or hopefully if i can credit recovery then talk to my guidance counciller about staying in university level biology and chemistry. All my other classes are good, im passing them with above 70's which is my goal for now. But i just dont know what to do about that. I know that my teacher dislikes me for missing her class and i totally understand its very disrespectful but now im scared of her LOL. its a little bit frustrating though. Ive put myself in a bad position here.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Boo poopy day

Well i am not excited for today one its like pouring so i have to walk to school in the rain, two its only thursday so i still have one more day of school after today and three i have to write the literacy test, which made me have to wake up earlier to get to school earlier. Boo ! Atleast i can come home today and say " Well thats done". Im positive i will pass it aswell because im good at this kind of stuff and did well on the pre test :).
So last night i made the most stupidest mistake ever, after going through the whole do not have unprotected sex talk since i was in grade 6, i would go and have unprotected sex. Way to be safe kristen. I dont know where my head was at the time but i wasnt thinking. He told me he pulled out but that still doesnt include pre ejaculation and im not on the pill so thats awesome. so im going to have to see if i can get the emergancy concreceptive pill just incase i dont want to take my chances. GRR. im usually so much more smart then this.
Will came over last night, obviously and we watched sherlock holmes together.. but he fell asleep! Pretty much the whole time he was over he slept, it made me a little sad to because he wasnt evven cuddling with me, he just layed on my bed, took up most of it and slept. Then his mom came and i couldent even get him up. After he left i was really sad because i probibly wont get to see him till sunday. If im lucky friday which isnt that bad but still. On the bright side i knew he felt bad and as soon as he got home he called me. When i said hello the first thing he said was i love you and i feel bad, i didnt even know i fell asleep." I felt much better after this especially because he was so tired, he still put out the effort to call me haha. He wrote on my wall yesterday to, he signed his name somewhere and my bed is up agaisnt the wall and that is where he sleeps when he sleeps over and he put " This wall is wills side of the bed, stay off ! i love you" then put a heart. Also at the end of the bed he put a heart with KB in it. It made me smile.
I want to know some good ways to bond with him, different things we could do together to get closer because i want to be closer with him.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

shygirl, crazygirl

how do you conquer shyness? like in some situations im so shy, but in others im not one bit shy at all. grr

i got you slippen on my swagg juice

So easter weekend was pretty good i guess. Every night i spent at williams house. Thursday i spent the whole day biking (i want to do mountain bike street freestyle) then he picked me up around seven and we went to a girls house i never met before. Everyone was pretty drunk besides me and will and we played a game of crazy 8's after we went to another friends place for strawberry daquaris and sat around the fire, it was a going away party for this guy who was going to war. After we went back to williams and slept. The next day we lazed around in bed till the afternoon and he brought be out to show me this fort him and a bunch of guys he hangs out with are making and i got to help him a little bit. I mostly just watched and chatted with some of the boys, we stayed there pretty much the whole day then went back to his house. We rented a movie watched it then went to sleep. The next day he brought me home around 11 and i showered then spent the whole day biking with my friend sam. We also went for pizza aswell. It was super hot out that day then eventually got really cold and windy which caused a bunch of balls to fall off the roof at davenport and we kicked some balls around for a little bit then put them where the school could find them after. We went back to her house again and ate some pizza and waited for her boyfriend to come. She was going to go to her dads for dinner and Will was coming to pick me up again. This night was the most interesting for us. I finally got to meet my bestfriend chads new girlfriend, i thought i wasnt going to like her at first but it turns out her and i are so much alike and we got along great. We started out the night with some whiskey shots at jesses with a bunch of boys, we all sat around and listened to eachother free style rap, it was really funny. Then we found a party in london to go to. This sort of led to bad things. When we got there the party was great at first, we had some more shots danced it up and met alot of new people. There was this really drunk girl that we met that tried to kiss will, i didnt know at the time and i wasnt going to make a big deal out of it because Will pushed her away. By this time will was really intoxicated. He came downstairs at one point and him and i were talking, then this guy i just ment grabbed me by the hands and pulled me away from will. He didnt really like that very much so he went upstairs, later the same guy put his hands on chads girlfriend and called her a slut which really made alyssa upset and she freaked out. I was upset also because i couldent find Will, but then someone came up and told me that the kid in the grey shirt, my boyfriend got pissed and punched the persons gutter outside. I didnt know why at the time so i went looking for him. I found hu=im out by chads truck and i asked him what happenend. He told me that he just got really upset because these guys kept putting there hands on me and alyssa and i was letting them and it made him really angry and he didnt mean to punch the gutter he ment to punch the wall. This led to our first fight. Somehow he went as far as me bringing up the girl, and i told him if he had kissed the girl.. i didnt get to even finish my sentance when he was like " i didnt f*cking kiss the girl i pushed her away" and i tried to tell him that i wasnt saying he did i was saying if he was ever put in that situation and he kept yelling at me so i tried to walk away then he grabbed me and was like kristen im sorry, and i said he wasnt listening to me and everytime id try to talk hed cut me off. I eventually started crying and thats when chad and alyssa came out saying we had to leave because kids were pulling knifes on him and had already on will. I felt embaressed because i was crying and they noticed, alyssa (chads gf) held my hand in the car which made me feel better and eventually i crawled over to will and layed my head on his chest, his heart started to beat fast and he rested his hand on my head. At first the ride was quiet until chad got upset at will becuase will was over reacting and chad said that they werent touching us the way will was thinking and me and alyssa had to calm them both down. It was kind of crazy. When we got back to wills house we went in his room and had the most deep conversation ive ever had with him both of us ended up crying and he told me that if he had any concept of what love is, its what he feels for me, and he just wants to keep me around for a very long time. That he will be around for aslong as i want him to be. He also told me how i was in his future and i said well maybe and hes like. no your in my future and things just went so far that both of us ended up crying. Ill remember this talk for a long time i think it brought us closer and in the end everything. The next day the boys got together and we went to the skatepark. Us girlfriends hung out in the car while the guys skated till like 3. After we went to a friends house and sat around and talked. Well i barly talked at all i was so tired because me and will were up till like 4 am the night before and woke up at like 7. I was so dazed. Once we got back to wills house we were there just intime for easter dinner, we ate and then both of us fell asleep at 5. we slept the rest of the day all the way till the next morning. Then they brought me home early and will went to the fort to build it. Yesterday all i did was slouch around and eat chocolate. Watched teevee and went to bed. I think im going to be seeing Will tonight again maybe, with chad and alyssa. We might go to the movies, if i can get money from my mom. We havent been getting along again. No good. But i might be moving out in three months. Alyssas mom jsut broke up with her boyfriend so she wants to move back to her hometown which is 7 hours away. Alyssa doesnt want to leave the town she grew up in that has her job her friends her horse and her boyfriend. So her and chad might get an apartment together, chad is 20 btw, he has had his own job and he makes GOOOOOOD money, but he gets laid off every once in a while so hes going to get another job to. They asked if me and will wanted to move in aswell to make things easier. Im kinda cut in the middle with this because me and will havent been dating that long yet only about 2 months and i dont know how long were going to last and i dont want to move with him if things wont work out.. but then again i am a fighter and i see so much more in Will and it would be worth a try. I need to get a job and make some money, then i would probibly have to get a new job when we move. Which will be complicated but i figure, if i save up all my paychecks then ill have enough money to put in my share so i can have enough time to find a job. There should be more offers in london aswell, id also have to transfer schools aswell which is a little nerve wracking.. I have planned out alot of it aswell and its going to take so much responsibility from me. We all have been looking around and i found this apartment/ condo on huron street in london, its a 2 bedroom and the proce ranges between 699-714 per month but it includes water and heat, one free parking space, cable and internet access, we would still have to pay for usuage though and the tiles and what not are all redone and stuff theres also carpets aswell. I figured that approximetely each of us will be paying about 220.00 a month. With a job at student wage.. i could be making approx 35.60 a day hopefully x4 is around 142.40 a week not including tips and if i work weekends i could get more.. id hopefully be working all week though. Theres so much to consider and so much to plan out. Thankfully if i cant cover my part during the first little bit chad will have me covered !
im still so young to and i know so many people would tell me to stay home aslong as i can, but sometiems i hate being so dependant and i hate the fact that none of this is mine. its all my moms, everything.

i cant stand my mom anymore. now i want to move out i want to get out its like everything i fucking do is never good enough. she never listens to me ever and goes by what everyone else says and she always tells me how everyone elses opinion shouldent matter to me. she should stop being so hypocritical. GRR.