Friday, March 26, 2010

excitemeent !

whoooot ! i got my tongue peirced, i love it. i love how it looks on me.. its so swollen tho right now, cant wait till i can change it. yee, my belly button is next :]

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

He said i hate this place, i miss your smile i miss your face ...

Halfway through the week, i dont think ive ever really looked forward to the weekend as much as i am now. I get to get my tongue peirced, i get to spend my friday and saterday night with Will then go home sunday and just relax, maybe visit with some family, then the following weekend will be great aswell Alyssa is coming down and were going to an iparty in london. Its like a club for teenagers without alcohol instead energy drinks and i love to dance so its just going to be great.
Right now i feel a little down. I hate that i only get to see Will on weekends, and this is the first week back from march break so i have to et back into the habit of falling asleep alone again and its just hard not being able to listen to the steady breathing of another person or being able to rest my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Its so much more comforting to wake up with someone beside me and have someone keep me warm all night long and hold me if i jump up scared from my regular nightmares. I crave his lips, want to feel his arms around me all the time and it makes me sad knowing that i have to wait another 2 days. I dont know how people manage to have really long distant relationships. I would feel a little bit unfullfilled. Being infatuated with someone can feel so strong sometimes, its just passionate and you cant get enough of eachother im just wondering, how do you know when you love someone? Its a feeling ive been feinding for and i know it takes time but. i would like to know what it feels like.
I want to be with Will for a really long time, im just scared he might get sick of me and our relationship will run dry like so many do these days. I want to do something oblvious something he wouldent be expecting. I need some new ideas. What are some of the things you and your highschool boyfriend did Mrs.Roth? When alyssa comes down im thinking that her and jesse, me and will, alyssa c and chad should all go to the beach and watch the sunset and then climb these rocks, i think that would be something new and fun! Im really looking forward to it. ugghh im just sighing so much right now, i want to call Will and i want to hear his voice but i have this phobia of talking on the phone, it makes me feel blind and it bothers me how i can hear the person yet cant feel there presence or see them. People think im so silly when i say that but its true, and i would also feel like somewhat of a bother to be calling him, i just hate how we have barly any communication during the week besides the few inboxes reassuring plans over facebook.
Thats about all i have to write about right now, but heres some lyrics to a good song for the moment :

She said baby don't leave
Be home, stay close, be close to me
Boy don't be gone. boy don't be gone
He said baby you know
I gotta run I gotta go
I won't be long, girl I won't be long

She said boy don't you flirt
And baby please just don't get hurt
And if you feel alone then here take my shirt
He said forever girl I know you hate the weather girl
so maybe you should hold onto my sweater girl

She ran picked up the phone
Said babe I miss you come back home
It can't be long, boy it can't be long
He said I hate this place
I miss your smile I miss your face
I wrote a song, girl I wrote a song

She said you make me better boy
I just mailed you a letter boy
And oh just so you know I'm still in your sweater boy
He said girl don't be hurt
I've sweat a lot and smell of dirt
and I think I'd feel naked without your shirt

He said you're looking great
I'm home I'm back I couldn't wait
Girl way too long, that was way too long
She said get over here
I crave you close I need you near
Now play that song, boy play me our song

He said back to forever girl
Hope you endured the weather girl
Now all I wanna do is get you outta that sweater girl
She said I love the way you flirt
I'm so glad you didn't get hurt
Now let me see you naked without that shirt

Monday, March 22, 2010

I'd give you the day but its not mine yet..

So i went to school today and it wasnt that bad, im pumped for gym because were doing badminton and i like playing badminton, i love to dance while i play it makes everything much more intense. Im not looking forward to going to science tommorrow, but i got to get my mark up. Tonight im not doing anything special im probibly just gunna sit around and hangout. My moms off maybe ill ask her to watch a movie or something together. I have to do some homework and think about William. (L)
This girl i just ment on the weekend, shes just 17 and she has a 10 month old baby and i admire the girl so much i just have to give her props to go through what she had to at such a young age and take care of the little guy, hes adorable to. he could be like a show baby. He kept on looking at me with his big brown eyes and i was just mezmorized by him he would make me smile then he would mimic a smile back. Will was like holy he wont stop staring at kristen. Haha The poor guy was really sick though he had a terrible cough and you could hear him breathing from the other room. I dont know if i could do what that girl did, having to give up so much for a little kid. Ive had dreams about me being pregnant and having a kid before and it scared me a little bit. In my dream i had gained weight and my hair was all naughty and messy and i looked like a zombie so sleep deprived and me and my baby were sleeping in my room. I pushed away everybody included the father of the baby but then eventually he came over himself and told me he wanted to see his son. And it just freaked me out. All the judgements that would be made about you and everything. If i ever got pregnant i wouldent know what to do. I would probibly have the baby bbut i cant even imagine so im going to keep it safe till im older (y)
Thats about all that i have to write about todayy. thanks for all your help mrs roth i appreciate it <3

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Im not perfect but i'll keep trying.

So my feelings are undescribable at the moment. i dont know how much more i could like this kid. Whether its how he grabs my hand when were cuddling, wraps it to his and then kisses it that drives me crazy or whether its how he moves the hair out of my eyes, looks into them and smiles or maybe its how he smothers me in his sleep when he grabs ahold of me and pulls me close. I dont know but i havent felt this way in such a long time. I met his family last night for the first time, wonderful people. His mother seems outgoing and is honest. definitly not a shy women his dad on the other hand is a little bit more quiet. Lastly his grandmother, she is 80 he said and is the most precioud thing ive ever seen, as soon as i saw her smile when they said i was wills girlfriend gave me the butterflys, shes such a cute little thing. Will said i was the first girl hes ever brought into his house which made me feel quite special. He is self concious about where he lives but i told him that its not what he or his parents own what i am crazy about its him. He just smiled and kissed me. Im so happy that im with him. I hope i will be for a while.
One thing that irratates me so much about myself is, i am timid around people that i dont know to well or have just met. Will brought me out today with him to hangout with all his guy friends. I felt so out of place sitting there watching them play video games or watching them skateboard. And i barly talked, like i had nothing to say and didnt know what to say. I just hope that doesnt change anything between us. It makes me a little nervous because he knows me to be that fun outgoing girl, then lately ive been quiet and what not. It makes me so mad.
I am not looking forward to going to school tommorrow at all. But my mom said if i could go to school this whole week she would give me 40 dollars to go get a piercing which sounds like a great deal if you ask me. I know that my mom shouldent have to reward me for going to school but i just dont want to ever go anymore. I never thought i would say it but at the moment i hate school. I get so nervous and so angry at the thought of having to go. Most people are like well i get to see my friends and what not and classes arent even that bad. But id rather see my friends out side of school and just spend my time in my room or something. Grr but im going to go and just get it over with. Maybe thigns will change with the weather and i can finally get back into sports again or something i shure hope so.

Friday, March 19, 2010

If cheerleading were easy, itd be called football.

So i think i know what i need to do to feel better, i need to CHEERLEAD ! just thinking about it drives me insane. I miss it sooo much. When im angry in cheer i release it in tumbling harder, hitting my motions in my dance harder, and throwing girls higher or if im top squeezing my muscles that much more, when we condition and do fitness i just push myself more. When im upset i release that through the dancing part of it. It occupied alot of my time and it was like a medicine to me, and the feeling i got when we did a good job and stuck all of our stunts is undescribable not to mention when you finally get an element you have been working on. AHH. i wish that east elgin would have a team id totally go out for it, id even be a caption. Ive done power cheerleading for 5 years and have some kick butt stunt sequences ive made up when i had to much time on my hands. I know richelle. my old coach would be happy to come in and help with tumbling and im always good at making dances. I could fundraise for uniforms and some of the competition fees. I know all the rules and regulations and parkside could use some competition. I think that it would be so great, but not likely. If worse comes to worse i could possibly ask to help out for ldss's cheer team spot there stunts and put in any input, i know there caption. and maybe get community hours for that too :D I heard they didnt do so well at provincials so if i could help them before nationals it wouldent hurt any i dont think.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Why are we, so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me.

Something i hate, when someone gives up a friendship for a relationship. Why would you throw away someone who will be by your side for.. almost forever for someone who has cheated on you already and probibly is only going to be there for another 6 months? I dont know but it sure hurts. When things dont workout what are you going to do, crawl back to me? I dont even know if i want to stick around now. I should of listened to the people who told me you were an a*shole. But nope i had to go and get close to you and now sit here and watch you walk away for some stupid girl. I dont understand why i cant be in your life to? It frustrates me.
So my mom is thinking about putting me in anger management classes, which i really do not like to do, but it might be good for me, lately ive been having a terrible time controlling my anger. When i get mad i just can feel my blood boiling and the feeling that builds up inside of me.. i cant even explain. Then i yell and sometimes punch things.. i almost pushed over the fridge last night knocking everything on top onto the floor. Then i just stood there and felt so stupid because of my actions, but next time im angry i just go on and do it again. My mom keeps telling me she doesnt know what has gotten into me lately but as the day goes on she sees my dad come out in me more and more, and sometimes that isnt always a good thing. Atleast tonight i can look forward to seeing Will, hes coming over for the night again and im just so excited, i cant let myself get to attatched tho. Like the last couple of nights i have cryed myself to sleep because i wish i could see him more or i wish that i was with him, i just hold onto his pillow and my bear names foo tightly then eventually fall asleep. It was hardest last night because i knew he was at a party drinking with many people.. mostly girls. Is it bad that i have a hard time trusting people, i dont show it but its always there in the back of my head.. its just i know that he cheated on his ex girlfriend once, and im just scared it might happen to me to. I dont take no sh**t from anyone though so if i ever find out he did, im cutting his butt of with a snap of my fingers and show him what kind of girl hes missing out on.
March break is going by way to fast, i wish it would slow down a little, i am not looking forward to going back to school at all, im failing science- 29% and my gym mark is 65% not good for someone whose gym mark ranges from an 80-90. my history is an 87% which is okay and i think my careers is around a 60 or 70 which isnt that greeat because all that class is, is about you and your plans for the future basically.. I need to get involved in a sport again or something that really boosts up my motivation but school teams are definitly out of the picture seeing as i do have way more truents then two.. but in my defense majority of them my mom is aware im home she just doesnt bother to call the school. I am just gunna try to get my science mark up to pass it and bite my tongue through the rest of the semester and show up a little bit more, i cant wait till summer.
I just want to get out of this town, and somewhere new. I want to move out on my own with friends somewhere warm all the time.
but im goingto clean my room and talk to an old friend
lots of love, kb

Monday, March 15, 2010

Shes beautiful, in her simple little ways.

The snow now melted and the way the sun is setting today reminds me of healing. How last year at this time i was happy again after my break up a couple of months before, it makes me want to listen to rascall flatts or country music because they said the words that helped me put the peices of my heart back together. I still cant get over how much someone can grow and change over a year, how much people walk in and out of your life, who you become close with, the things you expierence. It can be so overwhelming to look back on. I was such a different person at this time last year, i just wanted to be that little small town girl, i spent hours singing and trying to play my guitar. I wanted to go to tenessee with my grandpa and ride a horse. Now i have a whole new look on life. It seems weird.
Things are complicated right now. First off, my boyfriend. William Marshall. Man i am so crazy about him we will be dating a month tommorrow, not that long but he makes me so happy. Just saturday night he slept over at my house and we had a really deep conversation and afterwards he hugged me and told me that he feels we got alot closer now. And i completely agree with him. Then we showered together the next morning, and i felt so connected to him, it was very intimate with the warm water and everything. then we had a good cuddle session for the rest of the time. I love waking up to his face. I felt sad when he left, he took one of my pillows and left one of his at my house, which im glad because i love sleeping with it. I hate leaving him though because i know that i wont get to see him for another week or so. And wont even be able to have a conversation with him until next time we see eachother in person because hes usually skateboarding or with friends then goes to bed early. Its depressing. When were apart im scared that he might lose feelings for me and figure that if we cant see eachother there isnt gunna be a point to our relationship. And though were together i sometimes feel alone. I guess us being together is all that matters.
I miss ryan though, unfortunitly. I havent seen him in months, and i miss his outgoing and fun personality, i miss hearing him sing and show me his new songs. I miss his friendship. We have grown apart and we dont really talk anymore, and everytime we try to hangout it backfires. It upsets me. He used to mean so much to me and now we dont talk like ever and when we do its barly a conversation.

I just thought out a good sentance for a story:
Laying in the dirt for hours she finally rolled over and looked off into the distance. She could feel the warm sun beating on her face. Squinting she watched the sunrise for the first time in months gaining feeling in her arms, legs then eventually her heart. The wind whipped her hair around her face. Unlike usual her breathing was rythmatic, while she inhaled there was no more ripping pain. She finally felt one, she could finally feel her heart beating again. Like crystals her green eyes sparkled brightly, as her pale skin reflected the sun.

im done for now, i should probibly clean up the house.
kb <3

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Cause you're scared, I ain't there? Daddy's with you in your prayers.No more crying, wipe them tears, Daddy's here, no more nightmares.

I feel so alone. Sitting here in a dark house, with nobody there to talk to. Listening to mockingbird by eminem. One of the only songs that can shatter my heart into peices and break me down. Its so hard for me to sit here and just think about my past, the present and things that could happen in the future without crying. Without hurting. Knowing hes going to go back to jail.. how its gunna f*ck up his current plans. Hr'd going to go no where. And i know my dad better then any other person out there, im just like him. I am him through and through. Of course i have my mom within me. But i know my dads train of thought. What he would do in certain situations.
I dont think ive ever had a panic attack worse then the one i had when i went onto a friends facebook and looked at my dads profile. The only album he has is " My Children" right then and there the feeling that came upon me.. i cant even explain. I looked through, and there was 2 pictures of my older brother labelled as " My big man Timmie (16). 3 pictures of Raven.. who i dont even know if she is my sister or not, labelled as my baby girl raven (4), then 2 pictures of my little brother labelled as the little man(8) then there was 2 pictures of my sister labelled as Neicer (12) and then there was 5 pictures as me labelled kritter bum (15) and i just broke down.
There was an old picture from the last christmas we were together, then a picture of me and my sister at taco bell then 2 recent pictures where i have no idea how he got them. But i havent been called kritter bum in so long. It just drives me insane to imagine the kind of pain he had to go through just to put those up there and it kills every inch of me inside. I cant stand it. and i know i shouldent be torturing myself that way but i was just so curious..
Its like hes dead. I have no confidance in ever seeing him again. I dont think i ever will.. and i dont know if thats something i want.. It feels like i have no parents. Im growing up on my own with no guidance.. people tell me that to. And i fight back because i dont want to face the truth.
But it basically is, when im home im always alone. My mom is working till im in bed. i never see her. I dont get to hear i love you from my mom, from my dad. It doesnt feel good. I dont like to turn around and look into my empty living room and remember things that happened in my past right there. i dont like to look at my fridge and see those knuckle marks from a time my dad got angry, or walk into my room and relive moments. Its not easy for me to live in this house let alone, be alone. Its not my moms fault though, she is doing everything she can just to put food on our plates..
My life is not easy.But i feel i have to be strong for my little sister.