I feel so alone. Sitting here in a dark house, with nobody there to talk to. Listening to mockingbird by eminem. One of the only songs that can shatter my heart into peices and break me down. Its so hard for me to sit here and just think about my past, the present and things that could happen in the future without crying. Without hurting. Knowing hes going to go back to jail.. how its gunna f*ck up his current plans. Hr'd going to go no where. And i know my dad better then any other person out there, im just like him. I am him through and through. Of course i have my mom within me. But i know my dads train of thought. What he would do in certain situations.
I dont think ive ever had a panic attack worse then the one i had when i went onto a friends facebook and looked at my dads profile. The only album he has is " My Children" right then and there the feeling that came upon me.. i cant even explain. I looked through, and there was 2 pictures of my older brother labelled as " My big man Timmie (16). 3 pictures of Raven.. who i dont even know if she is my sister or not, labelled as my baby girl raven (4), then 2 pictures of my little brother labelled as the little man(8) then there was 2 pictures of my sister labelled as Neicer (12) and then there was 5 pictures as me labelled kritter bum (15) and i just broke down.
There was an old picture from the last christmas we were together, then a picture of me and my sister at taco bell then 2 recent pictures where i have no idea how he got them. But i havent been called kritter bum in so long. It just drives me insane to imagine the kind of pain he had to go through just to put those up there and it kills every inch of me inside. I cant stand it. and i know i shouldent be torturing myself that way but i was just so curious..
Its like hes dead. I have no confidance in ever seeing him again. I dont think i ever will.. and i dont know if thats something i want.. It feels like i have no parents. Im growing up on my own with no guidance.. people tell me that to. And i fight back because i dont want to face the truth.
But it basically is, when im home im always alone. My mom is working till im in bed. i never see her. I dont get to hear i love you from my mom, from my dad. It doesnt feel good. I dont like to turn around and look into my empty living room and remember things that happened in my past right there. i dont like to look at my fridge and see those knuckle marks from a time my dad got angry, or walk into my room and relive moments. Its not easy for me to live in this house let alone, be alone. Its not my moms fault though, she is doing everything she can just to put food on our plates..
My life is not easy.But i feel i have to be strong for my little sister.
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KB,
ReplyDeleteHow hard it must have been for you to look at those photos, and feel so bad for your Dad.
You are one of the most amazing people I know because you wear your heart on your sleeve, even after all that you've been through. You are kind and empathetic - you care so much about the people around you in your life, even if you also feel like they've abandoned you or done you wrong.
When I read this last post I felt sad for what you're experiencing. This is not a time that you need to feel alone, especially when you are a teenager. It must be hard to know that you're Dad is hurting, that your Mom is unable to do more than she can, to walk into your room knowing what went on there - or see reminders around the house (like on the fridge) of negative events in your life. I don't blame you for not wanting to be alone in your house.
I cannot offer much advice, but I can say this: continue to do what you're doing. Continue to write your poetry, get your feelings our on this blog, cry when you feel like you need. What you have experienced requires a long time to heal - this isn't just a scrape from falling off of your bike. What happened may be in the past, but working through it is what's happening right now. And that is good. You need to let yourself feel what you are feeling in order to, someday, let it go.
I am here to listen. I am here to remind you of how special and important you are, to help you see how much purpose you serve, all that you can achieve, and how truly precious you are. You are always going to be much more compassionate of others who are healing from this experience. Not everyone can be so important to others when times are hard.
I hope you enjoy the break, and that the extra light and melting snow are symbolic of the regeneration you will feel as we enter the Spring.
I will leave you with just one sentence I saw the other day and liked:
Heal the past. Live the present. Dream the future.
Look forward to reading more.
Ms. R