The snow now melted and the way the sun is setting today reminds me of healing. How last year at this time i was happy again after my break up a couple of months before, it makes me want to listen to rascall flatts or country music because they said the words that helped me put the peices of my heart back together. I still cant get over how much someone can grow and change over a year, how much people walk in and out of your life, who you become close with, the things you expierence. It can be so overwhelming to look back on. I was such a different person at this time last year, i just wanted to be that little small town girl, i spent hours singing and trying to play my guitar. I wanted to go to tenessee with my grandpa and ride a horse. Now i have a whole new look on life. It seems weird.
Things are complicated right now. First off, my boyfriend. William Marshall. Man i am so crazy about him we will be dating a month tommorrow, not that long but he makes me so happy. Just saturday night he slept over at my house and we had a really deep conversation and afterwards he hugged me and told me that he feels we got alot closer now. And i completely agree with him. Then we showered together the next morning, and i felt so connected to him, it was very intimate with the warm water and everything. then we had a good cuddle session for the rest of the time. I love waking up to his face. I felt sad when he left, he took one of my pillows and left one of his at my house, which im glad because i love sleeping with it. I hate leaving him though because i know that i wont get to see him for another week or so. And wont even be able to have a conversation with him until next time we see eachother in person because hes usually skateboarding or with friends then goes to bed early. Its depressing. When were apart im scared that he might lose feelings for me and figure that if we cant see eachother there isnt gunna be a point to our relationship. And though were together i sometimes feel alone. I guess us being together is all that matters.
I miss ryan though, unfortunitly. I havent seen him in months, and i miss his outgoing and fun personality, i miss hearing him sing and show me his new songs. I miss his friendship. We have grown apart and we dont really talk anymore, and everytime we try to hangout it backfires. It upsets me. He used to mean so much to me and now we dont talk like ever and when we do its barly a conversation.
I just thought out a good sentance for a story:
Laying in the dirt for hours she finally rolled over and looked off into the distance. She could feel the warm sun beating on her face. Squinting she watched the sunrise for the first time in months gaining feeling in her arms, legs then eventually her heart. The wind whipped her hair around her face. Unlike usual her breathing was rythmatic, while she inhaled there was no more ripping pain. She finally felt one, she could finally feel her heart beating again. Like crystals her green eyes sparkled brightly, as her pale skin reflected the sun.
im done for now, i should probibly clean up the house.
kb <3
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Do you remember the envelope you sealed on the first day of class, and then opened at the end of the semester? Even though a semester is only 5 months long, a lot can change in that time. A year for someone who is in a transitional (or healing) state - like yourself - IS a long time, and can bring about tremendous change in your life.
ReplyDeleteDo you remember the 80th birthday part assignment? Where you had to make an invitation list and plan, through the decades, what was happening throughout your life? That was to show you that people WILL and DO come in and out of your life, that all of the people that are around in this - only the second decade of your existence - will likely NOT be the people who are with you in the end. At least not the relationships outside of those that are your siblings (remember, the party is for when you're 80 - not even parents are around then). It forces us to see that relationships, at least some of them, are not meant to last a lifetime. That people are medicine and some are here through all the decades, some through one or two, and others make their appearances at many times drifting in and out along the way.
Everything, and every relationship, is cyclical and constantly changing - like a newborn as it makes its way through life, or a child in relation to its Mother: The child starts out bald as a baby with no teeth, spine curved, unable to walk or feed itself, very little in the way of balance and VERY dependent on its Mother. Then it ages and grows, still needing its caregiver, but less and less over time. There the teenage years sees the child struggle for independence, hoping to break free from the chains, and then there are more quiet years where the parent and child are on the same level; each entirely competent on its own. But the relationship does a role reversal: the parent ages and the child takes on more of a caregiver role, and to make the cycle of life complete, the aging parent (if they live that long) become almost as dependent as an infant would be. The elderly human resembles the baby in many ways (balding, losing teeth, spine curving, unable to feed itself etc.) and relies entirely on someone else to care for it.
Our relationships are dynamic, constantly in a state of flux. Always responding to physical, emotional, social and mental needs of one or more people. The roller coaster of life is one that changes faster when we look at it over the snapshot of a year, or a decade. But it still requires days, hours and minutes to pass by (sometimes seemingly slowly) for the ride (or cycle)to go on.
Enjoy the ride - but keep your perspective focused on how you want it all to turn out.
Today's thought:
The future is something that everyone reaches at a rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. C.S. Lewis
Go clean. :)