I know things are changing, and this loves gotten out of line*

Today.. and just this week has been a rollarcoaster. There is so much on my mind and i think about htings without even focusing on them. I just wish life could be easy to live for once. Just for a little bit. I'm starting to spiral back down to wear i started growing from last year and im fighting to not get that low again but sometimes its so hard. It doesnt help my lack of sleeping or eating. Today ive only eaten a bite of shortshorts croissent and some candy, heaalltthhyyyy. Hunger is just the last thing i think about. Being a female teenager sucks as it is. Feeling like you have to try so hard just to be accepted by the judgemental human race. Having to help deal with friends drama let alone your own drama. Boysboysboys. School pressure from teachers. Having to have this project due this day, and that project due the next day, review have to be done by tommorrow along with an assignment then a test. Having to start an english essay. Its enough to make me crack. Especially on a day where i just want to cuddle up in my bed with a hot chocolate and watch some television, or listen to some music and write a good short story. Those are just half the things i have to worry about, the things any teenager girl does and a teenager girl is only half of me. It feels like im slowly losing my family, everyone is just not in a good state. It feels like were all different individuals being forced to live with eachother. Every conversation had ends in arguements, when you hear i love you from one another they just dont sound believable anymore. I dont even get to see my mom for 3 hours everyday. In the morning when i wake up she is usually sleeping, by the time she gets up im gone to school. I come home to an empty dark house and sit there alone till i cant keep my eyes open much longer then drag myself to the shower. My mom doesnt usually get home till around 11:30 and we only have a short conversation or arguement i should say until she tells me to go to bed. I sit up till 1 scared to close my eyes and morn to feeling of being alone, because i do. In the end family will be the only thing i have left, but i question if i will even have that because the way things are looking now i dont know. I just want to get out. Then i just have the other complete impact that im not going to get into because i just want to cry but when i do i feel im just giving into the pain or im losing my strength though i know thats not true, sometimes people need to cry to get it out but im in class and i have another class after this. Actually today has been going by kind of fast. I havent really been paying attention to half the things im doing or to the people around me. All ive done is wrote a letter to ooper and sit, stare and think all throughout lunch. I feel like im in a daze. Maybe sleep deprived. I dont know. I'm starting to lose all my motivation to get up in the morning and come to school. I feel like im lsing all my motivation that makes me want to try. I dont know what to do to gain it back. Alot of people tell me i need to do something for myself and get out and have fun.. but i have been having fun and i dont know what to do for myself.
Right now my biggest fears :
1) losing my family
2)losing my friends
3)losing myself
4)losing my chances with mysoundtrack.
I hate this whole not knowing whether me and mysoundtrack are together or just friends. I mean we definitly dont act like just friends but nothings been said to whether were more or not. Why is it that i want to do so much with him or say so mmuch to him but with one glance showing he's aknowledging me my mind just goes blank. Sometimes i dont want to do much more then just lay there with him, or just look into his eyes, but hes so outgoing and wants to wrestle me or something but i just dont have the energy to do it. I'm scared hes going to think im super boring and just wont want to take the time to let me warm up to him, but i dont know i cant let something like that get to me. I will just have to wait and see what happens. Which sucks.
Another depressing thing is i dont have a date for semi, im going to be miss 5th wheel which is amazingly great. I'm getting dressed up in my best to look good for someone yet, theres nobody thats going to appreciate it. Of course im excited to go and dance, because thats something i love to do, i love to get crazy and jump around and shake my bum. It just sucks when things slow down and im standing there in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by people holding eachother and being affectionate. Atleast i will have shortshorts to dance with because she will be doing the same.
I know shes going to read this and i just want her to know that i love her and ooper very much and i may not show it to her sometimes and i may act like a complete b*tttchhh sometimes but i dont mean anything bad! Both of them mean so much to me and i would be nothing without the support i get. I lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove them and appreciate everything both of them has ever done in the past and i promise to always be there in return. <3