well, i will finish my entrys for health later right now i just need to get everything in my head out,
saturday night, shouldent of went end of story. Christmas season always seems to go super shitty until christmas eve so im just sitting around waiting to be happy. blahblah. Thinking about where i was at this time last year. I need to stop living in the past or thinking about the future, all that matters is whats happening now. I need to enjoy the positive and forget about the negative. Though sometimes it can be so hard to do that. Being in highschool sucks, trying to find that place you belong in the world, its so confusing. The people around you, coming in and out of your life. Leaving you hurt and feeling dispair. All new emotions like desire and want. Longing for things but your left with unfullfilment. Unfaithfulness. All you can do is just hold your head high and keep moving forward because once you get where your going all of this will just be memory, but also a part of what made you who you are.
Unfortunitly im still a child, trying to grow up to fast, wanting something.. someone whose almost an adult. Whose been through all of what im just starting to expierence, someone who i could go to if i really needed help. Someone who makes me incredibly happy, and is such a good person they deserves so much yet all i have to give is some childish feeling of what i think can grow into something so big, when there is the whole world out there for him to choose from. Im just not shure what i should do anymore about that. I always thought age was but a number but its true in the end its ONE of the things that add up. In my opinion maturity and expierence are what make you your age, not truley how long you have been alive for. I dont know people can disagree. I'm just tired of going through those same highschool relationships consisting of only sex and being based on looks. Thats all highschool really is, sex and partying its ridiculous, though who am i to say anything because what have i been doing this whole time? I think i need to grow up a little aswell and not be so hypicritical. Like i said before though i want to get past that f*cking euphoric stage i want to feel something bigger than what i am. I dont want to be infatuated all the time. Its like being stuck in one spot. dislike.
Anyways on positive side of things, christmas is coming up, and so is new years, i have all new resolutions and plans and im hoping for something so much better.
Later im going to hangout with mysoundtrack and hopfully tonight have a good night with my sister and mom, i hope we dont fight. I think im going to stay home tommorrow aswell, but i guess thats all.
-kbrianne <3
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Your frustration with the infatuation stage is warranted; it does feel like you are stuck in one spot some of the time and it's easy to grow tired of it. High school is both the best and the worst of times and is, as you put it, giving you the ability to find out who you are. But I agree with you: your age has more to do with your experiences than the actual number of your age. I can, however, also see an older person's point of view when considering dating someone who is younger. It is hard to ever imagine that someone 15 years old can be so wise, like you. I personally think that you are very mature, that your experiences have made you grow up faster than most people, but I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing. You should be able to feel 15 when you are 15, that's not the case with you because you feel much older than that.
ReplyDeleteI know it sounds cliche, but try to be patient. With every day you are getting older and your time with mysoundtrack may not be now but in the future. Most people I went to highschool felt there was a big gap between 20 and 15, but not between 19 and 24... I know that doesn't help your current situation, but keep your head held high. Whoever ends up being the person you share the "next level" of relationship with is very lucky indeed.
I hope the rest of the holidays are good for you, KB. Merry Christmas.