I was going to finish the rest of my entrys but i will get to that later.. again.
I dont know whats happening to me these days. I just dont want to leave my room, i dont want to see anyone talk to anyone, i dont want to do anything. I just want to lay there with ipod and cell phone all day, and not move. The last couple days of christmas break thats all i did, i didnt come out of my room for almost 48 hours. I wasnt hungry, i wasnt thirsty, i didnt need to go to the bathroom all i did was cry here and there, think and stare. I watched some tv. My mom started to worry about me a little bit and she forced me out of my room. School came and i was not enthused. The first three days i sucked it up and drag myself through it. I would feel sick here and there and would have to ask to be excused to sit in the bathroom for a little bit. My chest would kill me so much and i would get teary eyed here and there. I also felt some attacks coming here and there. Finally thursday i cracked, my whole family slept in and when my mom woke up it was like a bomb. I didnt want to get up and leave my room, and we argued for a long time until i burst out into tears and started yelling at her some things that she didnt know. Like the fact that i feel im only around for one thing and people only want one thing from me.. something sexual. Even my father the one man in my life that im suppost to trust, the only guy who isnt suppost to hurt you but mine did. What do i have now. I've thought of self mutalation many times but i dont want to go back into that state, i want to be more mentally stable but i dont know how to fix it. I just want to isocalate myself and be alone. My mom still made me go to school, so i got dropped off for second period. First period was still in thankfully because i was still crying hard when i walked in the doors and a friend of mine saw me and i was quite embarassed. During math i didnt do much besides stare out the window and try to hold back tears, i also left to go to the bathroom again. At lunch i couldent handle it anymore so i just left. I got home and my mom wasnt there but there was a note for me in my room with alot of things on there that made me a little upset. About how its a mothers worse fear of something terrible to happy to one of her kids that will effect them for a life time in ways that she cant imagine, and it having to be the man that she trusts. It was really heart felt note and im glad she wrote it for me she also wrote some advice in there that im going to take. After that holly texted me and told me she needed someone to go to the basketball game with her after school and to the movies for mikes birthday, i really didnt want to go but i did promise her the day before i would and i would feel bad for not going to mikes birthday so i sucked it up and went. Then friday my mom thought it would be a good idea that everyone just took a break. Its hard for my family, we can only be happy and take so much for so long before any of us break and the only people we truley have to lean on is eachother. If we have no healing proccess we will always be broken and out lifes will go spiraling downward. We have made it so far in the last year we just dont want to go back. I dont want to go back but im starting to fall in ways and i dont know what to do to fix that, we all have different coping strategies but i havent found mine yet ive tried many many different things, and councillers are suprised that ive came up with these myself and find im very smart and wise for a 15 yr old but they dont work. I'm still trying to figure things out.
I just miss being happy, truley happy.
I miss alison to.
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You are allowed to feel sad as you heal from your experience(s). I understand what it's like to have negative thoughts and want to do absolutely nothing. You did the right thing by talking to your Mom to open up the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you want to find a coping strategy to help you in times like this. I think you WILL find something that helps you, that works to help you.
You are a remarkable person who is worth so much more than something sexual. You have taught me so much, and I am supposed to be your teacher. It is because of you that I judge students less, that I am more compassionate, and look forward to get more training to understand the reality of teenagers who have been the target of abuse. I am so thankful to have you in my class and hope that I get the chance to teach (or coach) you again in the future. You are such a gift! And that's not meant to sound cheesy.
i love you.
ReplyDeleteThat is all. :)<3