the girl that got away?

ingah. : :/ :( :@ :S :D :] .
fooood yumm :]
3 more days till christmas whoooot.

You could be the best of me.. when im the worst for you.

well, i will finish my entrys for health later right now i just need to get everything in my head out,
saturday night, shouldent of went end of story. Christmas season always seems to go super shitty until christmas eve so im just sitting around waiting to be happy. blahblah. Thinking about where i was at this time last year. I need to stop living in the past or thinking about the future, all that matters is whats happening now. I need to enjoy the positive and forget about the negative. Though sometimes it can be so hard to do that. Being in highschool sucks, trying to find that place you belong in the world, its so confusing. The people around you, coming in and out of your life. Leaving you hurt and feeling dispair. All new emotions like desire and want. Longing for things but your left with unfullfilment. Unfaithfulness. All you can do is just hold your head high and keep moving forward because once you get where your going all of this will just be memory, but also a part of what made you who you are.
Unfortunitly im still a child, trying to grow up to fast, wanting something.. someone whose almost an adult. Whose been through all of what im just starting to expierence, someone who i could go to if i really needed help. Someone who makes me incredibly happy, and is such a good person they deserves so much yet all i have to give is some childish feeling of what i think can grow into something so big, when there is the whole world out there for him to choose from. Im just not shure what i should do anymore about that. I always thought age was but a number but its true in the end its ONE of the things that add up. In my opinion maturity and expierence are what make you your age, not truley how long you have been alive for. I dont know people can disagree. I'm just tired of going through those same highschool relationships consisting of only sex and being based on looks. Thats all highschool really is, sex and partying its ridiculous, though who am i to say anything because what have i been doing this whole time? I think i need to grow up a little aswell and not be so hypicritical. Like i said before though i want to get past that f*cking euphoric stage i want to feel something bigger than what i am. I dont want to be infatuated all the time. Its like being stuck in one spot. dislike.
Anyways on positive side of things, christmas is coming up, and so is new years, i have all new resolutions and plans and im hoping for something so much better.
Later im going to hangout with mysoundtrack and hopfully tonight have a good night with my sister and mom, i hope we dont fight. I think im going to stay home tommorrow aswell, but i guess thats all.
-kbrianne <3

For healthclass :]

Entry1-> 5 things.

5 things that i am grateful for right now is:
1. My family - though we may be fighting, i am still super glad that i have them around. My family is truley the only people that i know at the moment who understand in some way or is impacted in some way from the past. My mom may not give me the best advice on teenager issues be she always knows what to say to help me get through my day, and i love her hugs. I also love my little sister very much, we may fight like crazy but if something were to happen to her i would be there the whole time to try and help out. I wont be seeing my mom tonight but i think i am going to write her a letter and tell her how much i do appreciate and love her.
2. My friends - i love my friends with all my heart, they are the people i can run to when i am sad and talk to about anything, they try there best to help me and are always there to listen. When i need a good night out my friends are always one of the best people to share that with. I'm sure without them i would be nowhere.. Iloveyou guys <3
3. Teachers- I really appreciate all my teachers, though i can dislike them for getting me introuble for talking or being up my bum about getting to school but i know there intentions are always good and they just want the best for me. They are trying to motivate me and get me ready for my future. Without my teachers i wouldent get a good education and wouldent be able to go anywhere in life, seriously. I want to be a pysciatrist or a music therapist. I need my grade 12 to do both of those and i cant get grade 12 without my grade 9,10 and 11. So my goal for this week and the new year is to show up to class ontime everyday as much as i possible can and try to be a good girl.
4.My home- this one is kind of cliche, and your probibly wondering why i appreciate my home today mostly. Well i appreciate it everyday but im glad i get to leave school and go to a nice heated house with a warm bed and many electronic devices that can be used to communicate with other people and my shower! I'm going to go home and take a nice warm shower before i leave out for my friends birthday. YAY !
5. FOOOOODDDDD!- I really appreciate having food and water in my home atm because i am SUPER hungry. I know that i dont have to be starved like some little children around the world because my family can afford to eat and have food to eat. Which i am really thankful for.

ENTRY2-> Pay it Forward.
Not only am i going to do payitforward this christmas i think im going to do alot to help out my family, like help my mom clean up and get her coffee in the mornings or help people cook dinners and clean the dishes, watch the kids when they need a night out (subtract new years) or when there just busy and anything else i can do. It will make me feel like a better person. Some ideas i have had for pay it forward was the hole pay for the persons order behind me, go buy something small/give money to some kids i know that live around the corner that dont have much or wont be getting much for money. Maybe send in some toys and things to different places that help familys out on christmas or help someone carry something if their hands are full.

ENTRY3 -> Plan for the holidays.
My plan for these holidays are quite simple, this weekend i know im going to be going out with friends and hopfully twin. Then i would like to spend a couple days to myself in my room just reading some new books i have came across and writing, maybe go and visit my aunt who will soon be giving birth and help her around the house. The night before christmas i am really looking forward to, its always the happiest night for my family. We are going to bake cookies together for santa ;], eat some and watch some movies. On christmas day, my mom always makes us a very yummy breakfist and hotchocolate with a whipped topping, sprinkles and a candy cane in it, then we open presents. After we clean everything up and usually put everything away we shower and get ready. For lunch/dinner we go to my grandpas house with some of the family and eat, watch movies, catch up and open presents. We might go to my aunts house in ingersoll to watch my little cousin open his presents in the morning aswell. On boxing day, my moms hole side of the family goes over to my grandmas house and we have a huge dinner then we open presents. After we all just talk and hangout with eachother while people sip on cocktails. Right now we are not sure but we might go to my great aunts house for leftovers and to visit. I always like going there because she has an indoor inground pool and i get a good excersize swimming to shed off all the turkey and chocolate i have eaten in the past two days. I'm really excited for newyears eve because i am going to a party at my friends i will call her cheer because we cheered together, for her birthday. The theme is like a cross between clubbing/get decked out in newyears stuff. I helped her plan the whole thing out. There is going to be lots of balloons on the ground flashing lights, loud music and just sparkley things. We are going to make lots of food for people to eat aswell. I am going to go to Sirens to get a nice party top, wear skinny jeans and these sexy heels;] im not sure what im going to do with my hair yet but im really excited. I'm going to spead most of my night dancing, hopfully burning some calories. My goal is to go skating atleast twice and do some crunches everynight. Need to tone up my stomach ;)

ENTRY4-> Letter to Someone Important
I've already wrote a couple of letters to people that i havent sent or shown but i think i might rewrite one to mysoundtrack.
Dear mysoundtrack,
Things are confusing, but they always are when you have so much feelings for someone. Everytime you say something cute to me my head is always in the clouds and i make this odd screetching noise or giggle like an idoit. I'm always scared to say the wrong things that would make me sound stupid or that will make you not want to talk to me. I'm not sure what your feelings are for me anymore, but im hoping that things havent changed. Friday was pretty great, yah it kinda sucks that we didnt get to the concert but i was just glad to see you, and when you told me that you were happy to spend sometime with me i was super happy to hear that. I also really liked it everytime you would say "Your cute" or brush my hair out of my eyes and say "Pretty girl". I think its pretty funny what your roomates think of me and im glad you invited me back over to prove myself. I'll be looking forward to do so. We havent really talked about what all went on that night much yet, but im hoping eventually it will. I'm glad we got to.. really connect.. in a different way.

- I'll continue later..

Sometimes the wind reminds me ..

Seeing the snow brings me back to the place that i dont want to be.
I need to get a grip on myself again. I'm looking forward to the holidays because maybe a break will give me time to pull myself back together.
Quick catch up:
1. mysoundtrack knows what my intentions are .. to be with him, i know that he doesnt know what his intentions are because he doesnt know me like other people because i am still kinda shy, but im going to bring him to my house to see if i can be more me in my own enviroment, hanging out with him more will really help me warm up to him. I will find out what his intentions are soon though. I like him alot and now he cant blame me..
2.Guitarist is coming back soon and i actually am excited it makes shortshorts happy, and hes kool i would like to see him again, then me shortshorts mysoundtrack and guitarist can all hangout again. I have some other thoughts on my mind to.
3. I need motivation, this week my goal is to attend everyclass on time all week, maybe subtract friday because its a tradition for me and ooper to go around and look for christmas presents for people and sit in tim hortans, but i do really want to watch this love actually movie. so i dont know whats going to go on.
4. im excited for twin to come down soon that will really make me happy, and christmas together will be great, i know shes not happy right now and i really think she should stay down here for a semester, nana said she had no problem having her come here and live with her but the whole party every weekend is a no go, but i agree not healthy and things are gunna change for me after new years.
5.mm, semi night and all that was a great weekend ive been having a good time on weekends so i dont know why im so down.
6. its oopers bday tuesday so im going to her house and were gunna bake stuff, i love baking :D
7. I'm going to hand out resumes today or sometime this week cause i would really like to work and get my own money i feel more independent and i want my own cash on me.
8. This weekend PUN has a show on saturday, so i hope im going to that and if not PARTYboy iss having another party that i might go to.

p.s being sick ROCKS :

It kills me to stand here and see that im not what your dreaming of..

Dear Ryan,
YOU DRIVE ME EFFING INSANE. You just make me want you soo much. I just want to jump ahead to the future to see if your in it. I hope you are because i dont think ive wanted someone as much as i want you right now.Im really upset at this whole drama thing thats going on between you and my ex and im really sorry that he had to come and chirp you because i dont like him anymore it was ridiculous but i cant control what other people do and i really hope its something that doesnt effect anything between you and i and if am really something special or important to you, you wont let his words get to you. You seem to be everything ive ever wanted in a guy. Your a happy person, your cute, your outgoing and funny, your musical, you are smart. You smell good, your tall. You are peotic and understanding. You are someone who i can talk to and you seem like you understand and you help me. You open up to me and show me your sensative side. I know you will protect me if i ever need it. You are mature and ive always been a sucker for a singer. GAAH.
You always make me so confused though. Like i dont understand. You have told me that you have feelings for me but then give me some of these off signals. I think your letting my age get in the way of alot of things, which incredibly sucks, and i mean you have told me some of the things that you see in a girl and im always like well sh*t because theres only a little bit that i see in myself. I try to ignore those facts and just keep moving on but i do think about it sometime. I understand you might be scared to start a relationship or what not because of the way you have been hurt in the past or the fact yyour in college , in a band, sing and play guitar. For all the physical reasons. But no ryan, no thats not it at all, you could give up everything. You could sound like a frog when you sing and if you treated me the same way as you do and be like 15, i would still be like.. crazy about you. I like you for whats on the inside for your personality. I like you because of the way you talk to me or hold me. Or the way you laugh at me and call me KRISPY. I like the sound of your voice when you say my name. I even like the way you smell. That sounds so creepy. I could go on forever telling you how much things i like about you. The only hing i dislike is you thinking to much, i mean take chances. I know im some kid, and what do i know, but you only live once and lifes to short to sit around and think things out and in the end even if all is bad you still have that expierence to look back on and use for the future. Everyday you and i step outside of our houses we have the chances to be killed, even when were inside. Anything can happen and i cant imagine dying without getting a chance with you. Theres my crazy side. I'm still sitting here. waiting. Letting everythhing play out and hope for the best. Letting myself get ahead when i know i shouldent but i dont care if i get hurt anymore.
I kinda miss you and i am super excited for friday !!
-kbrianne <3

I know things are changing, and this loves gotten out of line*

Today.. and just this week has been a rollarcoaster. There is so much on my mind and i think about htings without even focusing on them. I just wish life could be easy to live for once. Just for a little bit. I'm starting to spiral back down to wear i started growing from last year and im fighting to not get that low again but sometimes its so hard. It doesnt help my lack of sleeping or eating. Today ive only eaten a bite of shortshorts croissent and some candy, heaalltthhyyyy. Hunger is just the last thing i think about. Being a female teenager sucks as it is. Feeling like you have to try so hard just to be accepted by the judgemental human race. Having to help deal with friends drama let alone your own drama. Boysboysboys. School pressure from teachers. Having to have this project due this day, and that project due the next day, review have to be done by tommorrow along with an assignment then a test. Having to start an english essay. Its enough to make me crack. Especially on a day where i just want to cuddle up in my bed with a hot chocolate and watch some television, or listen to some music and write a good short story. Those are just half the things i have to worry about, the things any teenager girl does and a teenager girl is only half of me. It feels like im slowly losing my family, everyone is just not in a good state. It feels like were all different individuals being forced to live with eachother. Every conversation had ends in arguements, when you hear i love you from one another they just dont sound believable anymore. I dont even get to see my mom for 3 hours everyday. In the morning when i wake up she is usually sleeping, by the time she gets up im gone to school. I come home to an empty dark house and sit there alone till i cant keep my eyes open much longer then drag myself to the shower. My mom doesnt usually get home till around 11:30 and we only have a short conversation or arguement i should say until she tells me to go to bed. I sit up till 1 scared to close my eyes and morn to feeling of being alone, because i do. In the end family will be the only thing i have left, but i question if i will even have that because the way things are looking now i dont know. I just want to get out. Then i just have the other complete impact that im not going to get into because i just want to cry but when i do i feel im just giving into the pain or im losing my strength though i know thats not true, sometimes people need to cry to get it out but im in class and i have another class after this. Actually today has been going by kind of fast. I havent really been paying attention to half the things im doing or to the people around me. All ive done is wrote a letter to ooper and sit, stare and think all throughout lunch. I feel like im in a daze. Maybe sleep deprived. I dont know. I'm starting to lose all my motivation to get up in the morning and come to school. I feel like im lsing all my motivation that makes me want to try. I dont know what to do to gain it back. Alot of people tell me i need to do something for myself and get out and have fun.. but i have been having fun and i dont know what to do for myself.
Right now my biggest fears :
1) losing my family
2)losing my friends
3)losing myself
4)losing my chances with mysoundtrack.
I hate this whole not knowing whether me and mysoundtrack are together or just friends. I mean we definitly dont act like just friends but nothings been said to whether were more or not. Why is it that i want to do so much with him or say so mmuch to him but with one glance showing he's aknowledging me my mind just goes blank. Sometimes i dont want to do much more then just lay there with him, or just look into his eyes, but hes so outgoing and wants to wrestle me or something but i just dont have the energy to do it. I'm scared hes going to think im super boring and just wont want to take the time to let me warm up to him, but i dont know i cant let something like that get to me. I will just have to wait and see what happens. Which sucks.
Another depressing thing is i dont have a date for semi, im going to be miss 5th wheel which is amazingly great. I'm getting dressed up in my best to look good for someone yet, theres nobody thats going to appreciate it. Of course im excited to go and dance, because thats something i love to do, i love to get crazy and jump around and shake my bum. It just sucks when things slow down and im standing there in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by people holding eachother and being affectionate. Atleast i will have shortshorts to dance with because she will be doing the same.
I know shes going to read this and i just want her to know that i love her and ooper very much and i may not show it to her sometimes and i may act like a complete b*tttchhh sometimes but i dont mean anything bad! Both of them mean so much to me and i would be nothing without the support i get. I lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove them and appreciate everything both of them has ever done in the past and i promise to always be there in return. <3

You asked if i would change the past.. Chances are that i wouldent*

bleeh.
Mysoundtrack told me he doesnt want to go through another highschool relationship. He wants something more and i agree i want something more.I dislike the age i am at because its all people see and they are always like "oh your 15 you dont understand" , " you cant fall inlove when you are 15, majority of the relationships at your age and throughout highschool are all about looks and sex"
I dislike being underestimated very much. I do completely agree with most highschool relationships being based on sex and looks, because majority are but out there they're is some that have so much more depth than that. I completely disagree with people my age not being capable of understanding what love is or feeling it, because there are some people out there who have. Its something i want to feel. I want so much more than sex, i want my relationships to be built on more than looks. I want to feel that courage you get from loving that partner, and the strength in knowing that the person loves you back. I want that person to feel the same way aswell. I want to get past that euphoric stage. I feel the soil(being me) is ready to nurture(not a child haha, im refering to a tree) and support something so much bigger than I. I want to take the time for that little seed of infatuation to sprout into that 40 foot tree of mature love. When im told " iloveyou" i want it to be ment. In my opinion you cant love me after a month of dating. You cant love me after dating me for 3 months. Maybe not even 5 or 6. Love is a commitment that requires patience, confidance, discipline, concentration, faith, respect, encouragment, communication, acceptance, daily practise and soso much more.
All does seem so intimidating, but im willing to try and take all that on. I'm so tired of dating people in highschool because they dont seem to want the samethings and maturity levels of most them are ridiculous. Its just not my thing, but then people look at me like im crazy to be even hanging out with someone whose 18 or 19 let alone being with them(if i am dating one), my family doesnt seem to understand and look at me like im weird when i tell them my reasons.
Am i weird? I dont know. I'm always told to grow down because i can only be 15 for so long, but im not going to be doing anything different when im 16 from 15, or 17 from 16. So i think they should say, i can only be a teenager or young for so long. I just am tired of being 15 i would prefer to be 17. It would make things so much easier between me and someone whose 19. Any opinions on all that?

So after a pretty crazy weekend. Focusing on friday. Ive been scared to sleep bymyself. Call me insane call me crazy but is eurynome just a coincidence? i dont really think so. Maybe what i saw that night was just a shadow, but it was enough to scare the living SH*T out of me, and the random voicemail of ooper and i, just ooper and i, on shortshorts phone with no missed calls or incoming calls is kind of weird aswell. Then on monday night when i stayed at oopers house hearing that mumbling and whispering caused me to jump turn on the lights and crawl into bed with her scared me aswell. Every night this week so far ive been waking up at 3:30 or 4 o'clock on the dot. It sucks because its causing me to have a lack of sleep also considering i dont go to bed till around 12, then stay up for an hour or so after i rewake up. I'm a girl who needs her sleep and im definitly not digging the whole zombie.. look like i got punched in the eyes look. I dont know what to do about that. Paranormal Activity i tell you. thank god i didnt go and see that movie. I would be going insane right now sitting in the dark alone. Even though im not feeling to peachy in the scenario im in already but im still living. So slowly semi is creeping up and i finally got a dress. I really love how it looks on me. Short tight strapless, mysoundtrack said i'll be fighting guys off of me all night. Too funny. He said he was going to take me out to dinner at Moxies so i could re wear the dress since he doesnt get to see me in it on semi night. So thats pretty exciting :D. All i need to go buy now is some silver heels to make my shortlegs look longer and a silver necklace. Then im going to be all set. I already know what i want to do with my hair to. Im so excited. Then the next best thing is the party. I'm pumped :D