If cheerleading were easy, itd be called football.

So i think i know what i need to do to feel better, i need to CHEERLEAD ! just thinking about it drives me insane. I miss it sooo much. When im angry in cheer i release it in tumbling harder, hitting my motions in my dance harder, and throwing girls higher or if im top squeezing my muscles that much more, when we condition and do fitness i just push myself more. When im upset i release that through the dancing part of it. It occupied alot of my time and it was like a medicine to me, and the feeling i got when we did a good job and stuck all of our stunts is undescribable not to mention when you finally get an element you have been working on. AHH. i wish that east elgin would have a team id totally go out for it, id even be a caption. Ive done power cheerleading for 5 years and have some kick butt stunt sequences ive made up when i had to much time on my hands. I know richelle. my old coach would be happy to come in and help with tumbling and im always good at making dances. I could fundraise for uniforms and some of the competition fees. I know all the rules and regulations and parkside could use some competition. I think that it would be so great, but not likely. If worse comes to worse i could possibly ask to help out for ldss's cheer team spot there stunts and put in any input, i know there caption. and maybe get community hours for that too :D I heard they didnt do so well at provincials so if i could help them before nationals it wouldent hurt any i dont think.

Why are we, so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me.

Something i hate, when someone gives up a friendship for a relationship. Why would you throw away someone who will be by your side for.. almost forever for someone who has cheated on you already and probibly is only going to be there for another 6 months? I dont know but it sure hurts. When things dont workout what are you going to do, crawl back to me? I dont even know if i want to stick around now. I should of listened to the people who told me you were an a*shole. But nope i had to go and get close to you and now sit here and watch you walk away for some stupid girl. I dont understand why i cant be in your life to? It frustrates me.
So my mom is thinking about putting me in anger management classes, which i really do not like to do, but it might be good for me, lately ive been having a terrible time controlling my anger. When i get mad i just can feel my blood boiling and the feeling that builds up inside of me.. i cant even explain. Then i yell and sometimes punch things.. i almost pushed over the fridge last night knocking everything on top onto the floor. Then i just stood there and felt so stupid because of my actions, but next time im angry i just go on and do it again. My mom keeps telling me she doesnt know what has gotten into me lately but as the day goes on she sees my dad come out in me more and more, and sometimes that isnt always a good thing. Atleast tonight i can look forward to seeing Will, hes coming over for the night again and im just so excited, i cant let myself get to attatched tho. Like the last couple of nights i have cryed myself to sleep because i wish i could see him more or i wish that i was with him, i just hold onto his pillow and my bear names foo tightly then eventually fall asleep. It was hardest last night because i knew he was at a party drinking with many people.. mostly girls. Is it bad that i have a hard time trusting people, i dont show it but its always there in the back of my head.. its just i know that he cheated on his ex girlfriend once, and im just scared it might happen to me to. I dont take no sh**t from anyone though so if i ever find out he did, im cutting his butt of with a snap of my fingers and show him what kind of girl hes missing out on.
March break is going by way to fast, i wish it would slow down a little, i am not looking forward to going back to school at all, im failing science- 29% and my gym mark is 65% not good for someone whose gym mark ranges from an 80-90. my history is an 87% which is okay and i think my careers is around a 60 or 70 which isnt that greeat because all that class is, is about you and your plans for the future basically.. I need to get involved in a sport again or something that really boosts up my motivation but school teams are definitly out of the picture seeing as i do have way more truents then two.. but in my defense majority of them my mom is aware im home she just doesnt bother to call the school. I am just gunna try to get my science mark up to pass it and bite my tongue through the rest of the semester and show up a little bit more, i cant wait till summer.
I just want to get out of this town, and somewhere new. I want to move out on my own with friends somewhere warm all the time.
but im goingto clean my room and talk to an old friend
lots of love, kb

Shes beautiful, in her simple little ways.

The snow now melted and the way the sun is setting today reminds me of healing. How last year at this time i was happy again after my break up a couple of months before, it makes me want to listen to rascall flatts or country music because they said the words that helped me put the peices of my heart back together. I still cant get over how much someone can grow and change over a year, how much people walk in and out of your life, who you become close with, the things you expierence. It can be so overwhelming to look back on. I was such a different person at this time last year, i just wanted to be that little small town girl, i spent hours singing and trying to play my guitar. I wanted to go to tenessee with my grandpa and ride a horse. Now i have a whole new look on life. It seems weird.
Things are complicated right now. First off, my boyfriend. William Marshall. Man i am so crazy about him we will be dating a month tommorrow, not that long but he makes me so happy. Just saturday night he slept over at my house and we had a really deep conversation and afterwards he hugged me and told me that he feels we got alot closer now. And i completely agree with him. Then we showered together the next morning, and i felt so connected to him, it was very intimate with the warm water and everything. then we had a good cuddle session for the rest of the time. I love waking up to his face. I felt sad when he left, he took one of my pillows and left one of his at my house, which im glad because i love sleeping with it. I hate leaving him though because i know that i wont get to see him for another week or so. And wont even be able to have a conversation with him until next time we see eachother in person because hes usually skateboarding or with friends then goes to bed early. Its depressing. When were apart im scared that he might lose feelings for me and figure that if we cant see eachother there isnt gunna be a point to our relationship. And though were together i sometimes feel alone. I guess us being together is all that matters.
I miss ryan though, unfortunitly. I havent seen him in months, and i miss his outgoing and fun personality, i miss hearing him sing and show me his new songs. I miss his friendship. We have grown apart and we dont really talk anymore, and everytime we try to hangout it backfires. It upsets me. He used to mean so much to me and now we dont talk like ever and when we do its barly a conversation.

I just thought out a good sentance for a story:
Laying in the dirt for hours she finally rolled over and looked off into the distance. She could feel the warm sun beating on her face. Squinting she watched the sunrise for the first time in months gaining feeling in her arms, legs then eventually her heart. The wind whipped her hair around her face. Unlike usual her breathing was rythmatic, while she inhaled there was no more ripping pain. She finally felt one, she could finally feel her heart beating again. Like crystals her green eyes sparkled brightly, as her pale skin reflected the sun.

im done for now, i should probibly clean up the house.
kb <3

Cause you're scared, I ain't there? Daddy's with you in your prayers.No more crying, wipe them tears, Daddy's here, no more nightmares.

I feel so alone. Sitting here in a dark house, with nobody there to talk to. Listening to mockingbird by eminem. One of the only songs that can shatter my heart into peices and break me down. Its so hard for me to sit here and just think about my past, the present and things that could happen in the future without crying. Without hurting. Knowing hes going to go back to jail.. how its gunna f*ck up his current plans. Hr'd going to go no where. And i know my dad better then any other person out there, im just like him. I am him through and through. Of course i have my mom within me. But i know my dads train of thought. What he would do in certain situations.
I dont think ive ever had a panic attack worse then the one i had when i went onto a friends facebook and looked at my dads profile. The only album he has is " My Children" right then and there the feeling that came upon me.. i cant even explain. I looked through, and there was 2 pictures of my older brother labelled as " My big man Timmie (16). 3 pictures of Raven.. who i dont even know if she is my sister or not, labelled as my baby girl raven (4), then 2 pictures of my little brother labelled as the little man(8) then there was 2 pictures of my sister labelled as Neicer (12) and then there was 5 pictures as me labelled kritter bum (15) and i just broke down.
There was an old picture from the last christmas we were together, then a picture of me and my sister at taco bell then 2 recent pictures where i have no idea how he got them. But i havent been called kritter bum in so long. It just drives me insane to imagine the kind of pain he had to go through just to put those up there and it kills every inch of me inside. I cant stand it. and i know i shouldent be torturing myself that way but i was just so curious..
Its like hes dead. I have no confidance in ever seeing him again. I dont think i ever will.. and i dont know if thats something i want.. It feels like i have no parents. Im growing up on my own with no guidance.. people tell me that to. And i fight back because i dont want to face the truth.
But it basically is, when im home im always alone. My mom is working till im in bed. i never see her. I dont get to hear i love you from my mom, from my dad. It doesnt feel good. I dont like to turn around and look into my empty living room and remember things that happened in my past right there. i dont like to look at my fridge and see those knuckle marks from a time my dad got angry, or walk into my room and relive moments. Its not easy for me to live in this house let alone, be alone. Its not my moms fault though, she is doing everything she can just to put food on our plates..
My life is not easy.But i feel i have to be strong for my little sister.

Time to show you the most kicka*s flow in the cosmos. :]

Soo its been a long time since i last wrote in here, alot has changed. Even my appearence.
My hair is now like a cocanut brown, and i pierced my own nose :) It looks pretty cute noot gunna lie ;] .
Me and my ex dont talk at all anymore, i cant stand the kid. He is never happy, hes always negative i dont understand why. Your attitude towards life, determines lifes attitude towards you. Thats something he needs to learn.
Thats guy i like, alots changed between us to, about a month ago he asked me out and i said yes. but it didnt really last that long, we both figured we were taking things to fast then went back to seeing eachother, but as of february 16th he asked me out again.. On valentines day he told me he loved me for the first time, but last night when he said it to me again it ment so much, i had the weirdest feeling in my chest and stomach. I love him to. I just hope that we can actually last for a little while. He means alot to me and i care about him. I really hope we go to a movie soon !
My cousin came down for a couple of days to, we spent alot of time together, had lots of fun, Hopefully she moves down here for her grade 10 year. Life would be fun. Us brunsdon girlss will mess stuff up. hahah
Im alot happier lately, but i havent been the goodest girl out there but i mean. We all make mistakes right? I'll get back on the right track soon enough i guess. (:
Anyways i guess that sums it all up. Im loving my new semester though i havent been to it much which isnt good. Im super excited for grade 11 to. I cant wait.
Hopefully your still reading mrs roth. Miss you <3 (:

Ouuuu girl, shock me like an electric eel, babygirl tuurn me on with your electric feel. :0

So i think i need to keep writing in here a little bit more, its almost the end of the semester and i want to keep getting marks for this, Im so loaded with homework right now its so overwhelming i have something due in everyclass that i either dont have done or barley have it done, and no matter how many days i take off it still isnt enough time. I am almost finished my english speech which i should of have presented today, i will have it done for tommorrow, my photo novella is definitly not finished yet but getting there, and my 2 art projects arent done yet either. I also have to hand in 2 assignments for english that i have finished and ask for another day or two on another english assignment and then have to start on my culminating. AHHHHH. i love highschool haha. Well im sure i will get all this done before exams i just need to want it bad enough.
So quite a bit has changed since new years and a little bit before that i havent gotten into really, mysoundtrack and I arent really an us or a we anymore, its just him.. then me. Two seperate people. We didnt end up working out, i take the blame for that, he didnt like some of the decisions i was making and i understand that, i learned a big lesson and talking to him made me realize how much i needed to go and talk to someone and my mom, now i feel a little bit better and have some new resolutions for this year. I think im going to change mysoundtracks name to bigboy just like what shortshorts calls him in her blog and because he is big.
As much as i wanted things to workout between us and as much as i like him its just to complicated he lives in london now and i can barly ever see him, which really sucks, and i guess i wasnt mature and lifesmart as i thought i was which also make things a little complicated.
I spent a few ddays being a little upset but slowly pulled myself through and got over it, Me and him still talk which is good and weere still friends, im going to watch him and his band play on friday :]
Since then ive discovered feelings for someone new, quick relapse.. sort of but ive always had these feelings for him just never really let them get the best of me. I met him in the summertime at a party i went to, i wasnt all completely there and the first thing i said to him was " youre hot " ooohh boy, thats great haha, great first impression, but we ended up spending the whole night together with my other 2 friends, he was really easy to talk to and we hit it off well. We hungout alot of times since then and became pretty good friends it wasnt until recently that he told me he thought i was really cute and wanted me that night ( not in a sexual way) but he already had a girlfriend. Now that we are both single we started to hangout and talk even more, things started to get good for me just a little bit after new years night. I think im going to call him cutie because hes super cute and says really cute things to me all the time. He's a little bit younger then what i usually go for but hes pretty mature for his age. He's 17. At first i had a bad feeling that he might just be saying some of these things to get in my pants but now i dont think so anymore, his bestfriend was talking to me and telling me how he doesnt want to sleep with me and he wants to take things slow which made me pretty happy, he told me himself that he wanted to be with me and that just right now wasnt the right time yet and i completely agreed because things do take time and i want them to take time.
Some of the really cute things he has said to me are:
When i was upset- "dont make me come over and pick up the peices"
just randomly - "your amazing", "awe, well your on my mind non-stop","no seriously, come cuddle please :)" "i like you", "i want to be with you","i want to be yours", "you mean alot to me", "i think im hooked on you"
and alot more, hes told me that im beautiful in person one time and i almost started crying because i didnt think it could ever mean so much coming from someone.
I love to be with him and i love to lay in his arms while he rubs my back and tickles my face. or kiss my cheek like 20 times in a row, or when he just sighs at random.
Just his smile gives me butterflys.
It pretty funny because im not one to move on so fast from a guy it takes me a long time because i take my feelings serious and dislike it when other people do it, but for some reason i cant help myself.. i just dont know what to do. :
Hopefully we hangout this weekend:) i cant wait till i see him next.

And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something that you cant replace,when you love someone but it goes to waste.Could it be worse

I was going to finish the rest of my entrys but i will get to that later.. again.
I dont know whats happening to me these days. I just dont want to leave my room, i dont want to see anyone talk to anyone, i dont want to do anything. I just want to lay there with ipod and cell phone all day, and not move. The last couple days of christmas break thats all i did, i didnt come out of my room for almost 48 hours. I wasnt hungry, i wasnt thirsty, i didnt need to go to the bathroom all i did was cry here and there, think and stare. I watched some tv. My mom started to worry about me a little bit and she forced me out of my room. School came and i was not enthused. The first three days i sucked it up and drag myself through it. I would feel sick here and there and would have to ask to be excused to sit in the bathroom for a little bit. My chest would kill me so much and i would get teary eyed here and there. I also felt some attacks coming here and there. Finally thursday i cracked, my whole family slept in and when my mom woke up it was like a bomb. I didnt want to get up and leave my room, and we argued for a long time until i burst out into tears and started yelling at her some things that she didnt know. Like the fact that i feel im only around for one thing and people only want one thing from me.. something sexual. Even my father the one man in my life that im suppost to trust, the only guy who isnt suppost to hurt you but mine did. What do i have now. I've thought of self mutalation many times but i dont want to go back into that state, i want to be more mentally stable but i dont know how to fix it. I just want to isocalate myself and be alone. My mom still made me go to school, so i got dropped off for second period. First period was still in thankfully because i was still crying hard when i walked in the doors and a friend of mine saw me and i was quite embarassed. During math i didnt do much besides stare out the window and try to hold back tears, i also left to go to the bathroom again. At lunch i couldent handle it anymore so i just left. I got home and my mom wasnt there but there was a note for me in my room with alot of things on there that made me a little upset. About how its a mothers worse fear of something terrible to happy to one of her kids that will effect them for a life time in ways that she cant imagine, and it having to be the man that she trusts. It was really heart felt note and im glad she wrote it for me she also wrote some advice in there that im going to take. After that holly texted me and told me she needed someone to go to the basketball game with her after school and to the movies for mikes birthday, i really didnt want to go but i did promise her the day before i would and i would feel bad for not going to mikes birthday so i sucked it up and went. Then friday my mom thought it would be a good idea that everyone just took a break. Its hard for my family, we can only be happy and take so much for so long before any of us break and the only people we truley have to lean on is eachother. If we have no healing proccess we will always be broken and out lifes will go spiraling downward. We have made it so far in the last year we just dont want to go back. I dont want to go back but im starting to fall in ways and i dont know what to do to fix that, we all have different coping strategies but i havent found mine yet ive tried many many different things, and councillers are suprised that ive came up with these myself and find im very smart and wise for a 15 yr old but they dont work. I'm still trying to figure things out.
I just miss being happy, truley happy.
I miss alison to.