So i think i need to keep writing in here a little bit more, its almost the end of the semester and i want to keep getting marks for this, Im so loaded with homework right now its so overwhelming i have something due in everyclass that i either dont have done or barley have it done, and no matter how many days i take off it still isnt enough time. I am almost finished my english speech which i should of have presented today, i will have it done for tommorrow, my photo novella is definitly not finished yet but getting there, and my 2 art projects arent done yet either. I also have to hand in 2 assignments for english that i have finished and ask for another day or two on another english assignment and then have to start on my culminating. AHHHHH. i love highschool haha. Well im sure i will get all this done before exams i just need to want it bad enough.
So quite a bit has changed since new years and a little bit before that i havent gotten into really, mysoundtrack and I arent really an us or a we anymore, its just him.. then me. Two seperate people. We didnt end up working out, i take the blame for that, he didnt like some of the decisions i was making and i understand that, i learned a big lesson and talking to him made me realize how much i needed to go and talk to someone and my mom, now i feel a little bit better and have some new resolutions for this year. I think im going to change mysoundtracks name to bigboy just like what shortshorts calls him in her blog and because he is big.
As much as i wanted things to workout between us and as much as i like him its just to complicated he lives in london now and i can barly ever see him, which really sucks, and i guess i wasnt mature and lifesmart as i thought i was which also make things a little complicated.
I spent a few ddays being a little upset but slowly pulled myself through and got over it, Me and him still talk which is good and weere still friends, im going to watch him and his band play on friday :]
Since then ive discovered feelings for someone new, quick relapse.. sort of but ive always had these feelings for him just never really let them get the best of me. I met him in the summertime at a party i went to, i wasnt all completely there and the first thing i said to him was " youre hot " ooohh boy, thats great haha, great first impression, but we ended up spending the whole night together with my other 2 friends, he was really easy to talk to and we hit it off well. We hungout alot of times since then and became pretty good friends it wasnt until recently that he told me he thought i was really cute and wanted me that night ( not in a sexual way) but he already had a girlfriend. Now that we are both single we started to hangout and talk even more, things started to get good for me just a little bit after new years night. I think im going to call him cutie because hes super cute and says really cute things to me all the time. He's a little bit younger then what i usually go for but hes pretty mature for his age. He's 17. At first i had a bad feeling that he might just be saying some of these things to get in my pants but now i dont think so anymore, his bestfriend was talking to me and telling me how he doesnt want to sleep with me and he wants to take things slow which made me pretty happy, he told me himself that he wanted to be with me and that just right now wasnt the right time yet and i completely agreed because things do take time and i want them to take time.
Some of the really cute things he has said to me are:
When i was upset- "dont make me come over and pick up the peices"
just randomly - "your amazing", "awe, well your on my mind non-stop","no seriously, come cuddle please :)" "i like you", "i want to be with you","i want to be yours", "you mean alot to me", "i think im hooked on you"
and alot more, hes told me that im beautiful in person one time and i almost started crying because i didnt think it could ever mean so much coming from someone.
I love to be with him and i love to lay in his arms while he rubs my back and tickles my face. or kiss my cheek like 20 times in a row, or when he just sighs at random.
Just his smile gives me butterflys.
It pretty funny because im not one to move on so fast from a guy it takes me a long time because i take my feelings serious and dislike it when other people do it, but for some reason i cant help myself.. i just dont know what to do. :
Hopefully we hangout this weekend:) i cant wait till i see him next.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something that you cant replace,when you love someone but it goes to waste.Could it be worse
I was going to finish the rest of my entrys but i will get to that later.. again.
I dont know whats happening to me these days. I just dont want to leave my room, i dont want to see anyone talk to anyone, i dont want to do anything. I just want to lay there with ipod and cell phone all day, and not move. The last couple days of christmas break thats all i did, i didnt come out of my room for almost 48 hours. I wasnt hungry, i wasnt thirsty, i didnt need to go to the bathroom all i did was cry here and there, think and stare. I watched some tv. My mom started to worry about me a little bit and she forced me out of my room. School came and i was not enthused. The first three days i sucked it up and drag myself through it. I would feel sick here and there and would have to ask to be excused to sit in the bathroom for a little bit. My chest would kill me so much and i would get teary eyed here and there. I also felt some attacks coming here and there. Finally thursday i cracked, my whole family slept in and when my mom woke up it was like a bomb. I didnt want to get up and leave my room, and we argued for a long time until i burst out into tears and started yelling at her some things that she didnt know. Like the fact that i feel im only around for one thing and people only want one thing from me.. something sexual. Even my father the one man in my life that im suppost to trust, the only guy who isnt suppost to hurt you but mine did. What do i have now. I've thought of self mutalation many times but i dont want to go back into that state, i want to be more mentally stable but i dont know how to fix it. I just want to isocalate myself and be alone. My mom still made me go to school, so i got dropped off for second period. First period was still in thankfully because i was still crying hard when i walked in the doors and a friend of mine saw me and i was quite embarassed. During math i didnt do much besides stare out the window and try to hold back tears, i also left to go to the bathroom again. At lunch i couldent handle it anymore so i just left. I got home and my mom wasnt there but there was a note for me in my room with alot of things on there that made me a little upset. About how its a mothers worse fear of something terrible to happy to one of her kids that will effect them for a life time in ways that she cant imagine, and it having to be the man that she trusts. It was really heart felt note and im glad she wrote it for me she also wrote some advice in there that im going to take. After that holly texted me and told me she needed someone to go to the basketball game with her after school and to the movies for mikes birthday, i really didnt want to go but i did promise her the day before i would and i would feel bad for not going to mikes birthday so i sucked it up and went. Then friday my mom thought it would be a good idea that everyone just took a break. Its hard for my family, we can only be happy and take so much for so long before any of us break and the only people we truley have to lean on is eachother. If we have no healing proccess we will always be broken and out lifes will go spiraling downward. We have made it so far in the last year we just dont want to go back. I dont want to go back but im starting to fall in ways and i dont know what to do to fix that, we all have different coping strategies but i havent found mine yet ive tried many many different things, and councillers are suprised that ive came up with these myself and find im very smart and wise for a 15 yr old but they dont work. I'm still trying to figure things out.
I just miss being happy, truley happy.
I miss alison to.
I dont know whats happening to me these days. I just dont want to leave my room, i dont want to see anyone talk to anyone, i dont want to do anything. I just want to lay there with ipod and cell phone all day, and not move. The last couple days of christmas break thats all i did, i didnt come out of my room for almost 48 hours. I wasnt hungry, i wasnt thirsty, i didnt need to go to the bathroom all i did was cry here and there, think and stare. I watched some tv. My mom started to worry about me a little bit and she forced me out of my room. School came and i was not enthused. The first three days i sucked it up and drag myself through it. I would feel sick here and there and would have to ask to be excused to sit in the bathroom for a little bit. My chest would kill me so much and i would get teary eyed here and there. I also felt some attacks coming here and there. Finally thursday i cracked, my whole family slept in and when my mom woke up it was like a bomb. I didnt want to get up and leave my room, and we argued for a long time until i burst out into tears and started yelling at her some things that she didnt know. Like the fact that i feel im only around for one thing and people only want one thing from me.. something sexual. Even my father the one man in my life that im suppost to trust, the only guy who isnt suppost to hurt you but mine did. What do i have now. I've thought of self mutalation many times but i dont want to go back into that state, i want to be more mentally stable but i dont know how to fix it. I just want to isocalate myself and be alone. My mom still made me go to school, so i got dropped off for second period. First period was still in thankfully because i was still crying hard when i walked in the doors and a friend of mine saw me and i was quite embarassed. During math i didnt do much besides stare out the window and try to hold back tears, i also left to go to the bathroom again. At lunch i couldent handle it anymore so i just left. I got home and my mom wasnt there but there was a note for me in my room with alot of things on there that made me a little upset. About how its a mothers worse fear of something terrible to happy to one of her kids that will effect them for a life time in ways that she cant imagine, and it having to be the man that she trusts. It was really heart felt note and im glad she wrote it for me she also wrote some advice in there that im going to take. After that holly texted me and told me she needed someone to go to the basketball game with her after school and to the movies for mikes birthday, i really didnt want to go but i did promise her the day before i would and i would feel bad for not going to mikes birthday so i sucked it up and went. Then friday my mom thought it would be a good idea that everyone just took a break. Its hard for my family, we can only be happy and take so much for so long before any of us break and the only people we truley have to lean on is eachother. If we have no healing proccess we will always be broken and out lifes will go spiraling downward. We have made it so far in the last year we just dont want to go back. I dont want to go back but im starting to fall in ways and i dont know what to do to fix that, we all have different coping strategies but i havent found mine yet ive tried many many different things, and councillers are suprised that ive came up with these myself and find im very smart and wise for a 15 yr old but they dont work. I'm still trying to figure things out.
I just miss being happy, truley happy.
I miss alison to.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
the girl that got away?
ingah. : :/ :( :@ :S :D :] .
fooood yumm :]
3 more days till christmas whoooot.
fooood yumm :]
3 more days till christmas whoooot.
Monday, December 21, 2009
You could be the best of me.. when im the worst for you.
well, i will finish my entrys for health later right now i just need to get everything in my head out,
saturday night, shouldent of went end of story. Christmas season always seems to go super shitty until christmas eve so im just sitting around waiting to be happy. blahblah. Thinking about where i was at this time last year. I need to stop living in the past or thinking about the future, all that matters is whats happening now. I need to enjoy the positive and forget about the negative. Though sometimes it can be so hard to do that. Being in highschool sucks, trying to find that place you belong in the world, its so confusing. The people around you, coming in and out of your life. Leaving you hurt and feeling dispair. All new emotions like desire and want. Longing for things but your left with unfullfilment. Unfaithfulness. All you can do is just hold your head high and keep moving forward because once you get where your going all of this will just be memory, but also a part of what made you who you are.
Unfortunitly im still a child, trying to grow up to fast, wanting something.. someone whose almost an adult. Whose been through all of what im just starting to expierence, someone who i could go to if i really needed help. Someone who makes me incredibly happy, and is such a good person they deserves so much yet all i have to give is some childish feeling of what i think can grow into something so big, when there is the whole world out there for him to choose from. Im just not shure what i should do anymore about that. I always thought age was but a number but its true in the end its ONE of the things that add up. In my opinion maturity and expierence are what make you your age, not truley how long you have been alive for. I dont know people can disagree. I'm just tired of going through those same highschool relationships consisting of only sex and being based on looks. Thats all highschool really is, sex and partying its ridiculous, though who am i to say anything because what have i been doing this whole time? I think i need to grow up a little aswell and not be so hypicritical. Like i said before though i want to get past that f*cking euphoric stage i want to feel something bigger than what i am. I dont want to be infatuated all the time. Its like being stuck in one spot. dislike.
Anyways on positive side of things, christmas is coming up, and so is new years, i have all new resolutions and plans and im hoping for something so much better.
Later im going to hangout with mysoundtrack and hopfully tonight have a good night with my sister and mom, i hope we dont fight. I think im going to stay home tommorrow aswell, but i guess thats all.
-kbrianne <3
saturday night, shouldent of went end of story. Christmas season always seems to go super shitty until christmas eve so im just sitting around waiting to be happy. blahblah. Thinking about where i was at this time last year. I need to stop living in the past or thinking about the future, all that matters is whats happening now. I need to enjoy the positive and forget about the negative. Though sometimes it can be so hard to do that. Being in highschool sucks, trying to find that place you belong in the world, its so confusing. The people around you, coming in and out of your life. Leaving you hurt and feeling dispair. All new emotions like desire and want. Longing for things but your left with unfullfilment. Unfaithfulness. All you can do is just hold your head high and keep moving forward because once you get where your going all of this will just be memory, but also a part of what made you who you are.
Unfortunitly im still a child, trying to grow up to fast, wanting something.. someone whose almost an adult. Whose been through all of what im just starting to expierence, someone who i could go to if i really needed help. Someone who makes me incredibly happy, and is such a good person they deserves so much yet all i have to give is some childish feeling of what i think can grow into something so big, when there is the whole world out there for him to choose from. Im just not shure what i should do anymore about that. I always thought age was but a number but its true in the end its ONE of the things that add up. In my opinion maturity and expierence are what make you your age, not truley how long you have been alive for. I dont know people can disagree. I'm just tired of going through those same highschool relationships consisting of only sex and being based on looks. Thats all highschool really is, sex and partying its ridiculous, though who am i to say anything because what have i been doing this whole time? I think i need to grow up a little aswell and not be so hypicritical. Like i said before though i want to get past that f*cking euphoric stage i want to feel something bigger than what i am. I dont want to be infatuated all the time. Its like being stuck in one spot. dislike.
Anyways on positive side of things, christmas is coming up, and so is new years, i have all new resolutions and plans and im hoping for something so much better.
Later im going to hangout with mysoundtrack and hopfully tonight have a good night with my sister and mom, i hope we dont fight. I think im going to stay home tommorrow aswell, but i guess thats all.
-kbrianne <3
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
For healthclass :]
Entry1-> 5 things.
5 things that i am grateful for right now is:
1. My family - though we may be fighting, i am still super glad that i have them around. My family is truley the only people that i know at the moment who understand in some way or is impacted in some way from the past. My mom may not give me the best advice on teenager issues be she always knows what to say to help me get through my day, and i love her hugs. I also love my little sister very much, we may fight like crazy but if something were to happen to her i would be there the whole time to try and help out. I wont be seeing my mom tonight but i think i am going to write her a letter and tell her how much i do appreciate and love her.
2. My friends - i love my friends with all my heart, they are the people i can run to when i am sad and talk to about anything, they try there best to help me and are always there to listen. When i need a good night out my friends are always one of the best people to share that with. I'm sure without them i would be nowhere.. Iloveyou guys <3
3. Teachers- I really appreciate all my teachers, though i can dislike them for getting me introuble for talking or being up my bum about getting to school but i know there intentions are always good and they just want the best for me. They are trying to motivate me and get me ready for my future. Without my teachers i wouldent get a good education and wouldent be able to go anywhere in life, seriously. I want to be a pysciatrist or a music therapist. I need my grade 12 to do both of those and i cant get grade 12 without my grade 9,10 and 11. So my goal for this week and the new year is to show up to class ontime everyday as much as i possible can and try to be a good girl.
4.My home- this one is kind of cliche, and your probibly wondering why i appreciate my home today mostly. Well i appreciate it everyday but im glad i get to leave school and go to a nice heated house with a warm bed and many electronic devices that can be used to communicate with other people and my shower! I'm going to go home and take a nice warm shower before i leave out for my friends birthday. YAY !
5. FOOOOODDDDD!- I really appreciate having food and water in my home atm because i am SUPER hungry. I know that i dont have to be starved like some little children around the world because my family can afford to eat and have food to eat. Which i am really thankful for.
ENTRY2-> Pay it Forward.
Not only am i going to do payitforward this christmas i think im going to do alot to help out my family, like help my mom clean up and get her coffee in the mornings or help people cook dinners and clean the dishes, watch the kids when they need a night out (subtract new years) or when there just busy and anything else i can do. It will make me feel like a better person. Some ideas i have had for pay it forward was the hole pay for the persons order behind me, go buy something small/give money to some kids i know that live around the corner that dont have much or wont be getting much for money. Maybe send in some toys and things to different places that help familys out on christmas or help someone carry something if their hands are full.
ENTRY3 -> Plan for the holidays.
My plan for these holidays are quite simple, this weekend i know im going to be going out with friends and hopfully twin. Then i would like to spend a couple days to myself in my room just reading some new books i have came across and writing, maybe go and visit my aunt who will soon be giving birth and help her around the house. The night before christmas i am really looking forward to, its always the happiest night for my family. We are going to bake cookies together for santa ;], eat some and watch some movies. On christmas day, my mom always makes us a very yummy breakfist and hotchocolate with a whipped topping, sprinkles and a candy cane in it, then we open presents. After we clean everything up and usually put everything away we shower and get ready. For lunch/dinner we go to my grandpas house with some of the family and eat, watch movies, catch up and open presents. We might go to my aunts house in ingersoll to watch my little cousin open his presents in the morning aswell. On boxing day, my moms hole side of the family goes over to my grandmas house and we have a huge dinner then we open presents. After we all just talk and hangout with eachother while people sip on cocktails. Right now we are not sure but we might go to my great aunts house for leftovers and to visit. I always like going there because she has an indoor inground pool and i get a good excersize swimming to shed off all the turkey and chocolate i have eaten in the past two days. I'm really excited for newyears eve because i am going to a party at my friends i will call her cheer because we cheered together, for her birthday. The theme is like a cross between clubbing/get decked out in newyears stuff. I helped her plan the whole thing out. There is going to be lots of balloons on the ground flashing lights, loud music and just sparkley things. We are going to make lots of food for people to eat aswell. I am going to go to Sirens to get a nice party top, wear skinny jeans and these sexy heels;] im not sure what im going to do with my hair yet but im really excited. I'm going to spead most of my night dancing, hopfully burning some calories. My goal is to go skating atleast twice and do some crunches everynight. Need to tone up my stomach ;)
ENTRY4-> Letter to Someone Important
I've already wrote a couple of letters to people that i havent sent or shown but i think i might rewrite one to mysoundtrack.
Dear mysoundtrack,
Things are confusing, but they always are when you have so much feelings for someone. Everytime you say something cute to me my head is always in the clouds and i make this odd screetching noise or giggle like an idoit. I'm always scared to say the wrong things that would make me sound stupid or that will make you not want to talk to me. I'm not sure what your feelings are for me anymore, but im hoping that things havent changed. Friday was pretty great, yah it kinda sucks that we didnt get to the concert but i was just glad to see you, and when you told me that you were happy to spend sometime with me i was super happy to hear that. I also really liked it everytime you would say "Your cute" or brush my hair out of my eyes and say "Pretty girl". I think its pretty funny what your roomates think of me and im glad you invited me back over to prove myself. I'll be looking forward to do so. We havent really talked about what all went on that night much yet, but im hoping eventually it will. I'm glad we got to.. really connect.. in a different way.
- I'll continue later..
5 things that i am grateful for right now is:
1. My family - though we may be fighting, i am still super glad that i have them around. My family is truley the only people that i know at the moment who understand in some way or is impacted in some way from the past. My mom may not give me the best advice on teenager issues be she always knows what to say to help me get through my day, and i love her hugs. I also love my little sister very much, we may fight like crazy but if something were to happen to her i would be there the whole time to try and help out. I wont be seeing my mom tonight but i think i am going to write her a letter and tell her how much i do appreciate and love her.
2. My friends - i love my friends with all my heart, they are the people i can run to when i am sad and talk to about anything, they try there best to help me and are always there to listen. When i need a good night out my friends are always one of the best people to share that with. I'm sure without them i would be nowhere.. Iloveyou guys <3
3. Teachers- I really appreciate all my teachers, though i can dislike them for getting me introuble for talking or being up my bum about getting to school but i know there intentions are always good and they just want the best for me. They are trying to motivate me and get me ready for my future. Without my teachers i wouldent get a good education and wouldent be able to go anywhere in life, seriously. I want to be a pysciatrist or a music therapist. I need my grade 12 to do both of those and i cant get grade 12 without my grade 9,10 and 11. So my goal for this week and the new year is to show up to class ontime everyday as much as i possible can and try to be a good girl.
4.My home- this one is kind of cliche, and your probibly wondering why i appreciate my home today mostly. Well i appreciate it everyday but im glad i get to leave school and go to a nice heated house with a warm bed and many electronic devices that can be used to communicate with other people and my shower! I'm going to go home and take a nice warm shower before i leave out for my friends birthday. YAY !
5. FOOOOODDDDD!- I really appreciate having food and water in my home atm because i am SUPER hungry. I know that i dont have to be starved like some little children around the world because my family can afford to eat and have food to eat. Which i am really thankful for.
ENTRY2-> Pay it Forward.
Not only am i going to do payitforward this christmas i think im going to do alot to help out my family, like help my mom clean up and get her coffee in the mornings or help people cook dinners and clean the dishes, watch the kids when they need a night out (subtract new years) or when there just busy and anything else i can do. It will make me feel like a better person. Some ideas i have had for pay it forward was the hole pay for the persons order behind me, go buy something small/give money to some kids i know that live around the corner that dont have much or wont be getting much for money. Maybe send in some toys and things to different places that help familys out on christmas or help someone carry something if their hands are full.
ENTRY3 -> Plan for the holidays.
My plan for these holidays are quite simple, this weekend i know im going to be going out with friends and hopfully twin. Then i would like to spend a couple days to myself in my room just reading some new books i have came across and writing, maybe go and visit my aunt who will soon be giving birth and help her around the house. The night before christmas i am really looking forward to, its always the happiest night for my family. We are going to bake cookies together for santa ;], eat some and watch some movies. On christmas day, my mom always makes us a very yummy breakfist and hotchocolate with a whipped topping, sprinkles and a candy cane in it, then we open presents. After we clean everything up and usually put everything away we shower and get ready. For lunch/dinner we go to my grandpas house with some of the family and eat, watch movies, catch up and open presents. We might go to my aunts house in ingersoll to watch my little cousin open his presents in the morning aswell. On boxing day, my moms hole side of the family goes over to my grandmas house and we have a huge dinner then we open presents. After we all just talk and hangout with eachother while people sip on cocktails. Right now we are not sure but we might go to my great aunts house for leftovers and to visit. I always like going there because she has an indoor inground pool and i get a good excersize swimming to shed off all the turkey and chocolate i have eaten in the past two days. I'm really excited for newyears eve because i am going to a party at my friends i will call her cheer because we cheered together, for her birthday. The theme is like a cross between clubbing/get decked out in newyears stuff. I helped her plan the whole thing out. There is going to be lots of balloons on the ground flashing lights, loud music and just sparkley things. We are going to make lots of food for people to eat aswell. I am going to go to Sirens to get a nice party top, wear skinny jeans and these sexy heels;] im not sure what im going to do with my hair yet but im really excited. I'm going to spead most of my night dancing, hopfully burning some calories. My goal is to go skating atleast twice and do some crunches everynight. Need to tone up my stomach ;)
ENTRY4-> Letter to Someone Important
I've already wrote a couple of letters to people that i havent sent or shown but i think i might rewrite one to mysoundtrack.
Dear mysoundtrack,
Things are confusing, but they always are when you have so much feelings for someone. Everytime you say something cute to me my head is always in the clouds and i make this odd screetching noise or giggle like an idoit. I'm always scared to say the wrong things that would make me sound stupid or that will make you not want to talk to me. I'm not sure what your feelings are for me anymore, but im hoping that things havent changed. Friday was pretty great, yah it kinda sucks that we didnt get to the concert but i was just glad to see you, and when you told me that you were happy to spend sometime with me i was super happy to hear that. I also really liked it everytime you would say "Your cute" or brush my hair out of my eyes and say "Pretty girl". I think its pretty funny what your roomates think of me and im glad you invited me back over to prove myself. I'll be looking forward to do so. We havent really talked about what all went on that night much yet, but im hoping eventually it will. I'm glad we got to.. really connect.. in a different way.
- I'll continue later..
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sometimes the wind reminds me ..
Seeing the snow brings me back to the place that i dont want to be.
I need to get a grip on myself again. I'm looking forward to the holidays because maybe a break will give me time to pull myself back together.
Quick catch up:
1. mysoundtrack knows what my intentions are .. to be with him, i know that he doesnt know what his intentions are because he doesnt know me like other people because i am still kinda shy, but im going to bring him to my house to see if i can be more me in my own enviroment, hanging out with him more will really help me warm up to him. I will find out what his intentions are soon though. I like him alot and now he cant blame me..
2.Guitarist is coming back soon and i actually am excited it makes shortshorts happy, and hes kool i would like to see him again, then me shortshorts mysoundtrack and guitarist can all hangout again. I have some other thoughts on my mind to.
3. I need motivation, this week my goal is to attend everyclass on time all week, maybe subtract friday because its a tradition for me and ooper to go around and look for christmas presents for people and sit in tim hortans, but i do really want to watch this love actually movie. so i dont know whats going to go on.
4. im excited for twin to come down soon that will really make me happy, and christmas together will be great, i know shes not happy right now and i really think she should stay down here for a semester, nana said she had no problem having her come here and live with her but the whole party every weekend is a no go, but i agree not healthy and things are gunna change for me after new years.
5.mm, semi night and all that was a great weekend ive been having a good time on weekends so i dont know why im so down.
6. its oopers bday tuesday so im going to her house and were gunna bake stuff, i love baking :D
7. I'm going to hand out resumes today or sometime this week cause i would really like to work and get my own money i feel more independent and i want my own cash on me.
8. This weekend PUN has a show on saturday, so i hope im going to that and if not PARTYboy iss having another party that i might go to.
p.s being sick ROCKS :
I need to get a grip on myself again. I'm looking forward to the holidays because maybe a break will give me time to pull myself back together.
Quick catch up:
1. mysoundtrack knows what my intentions are .. to be with him, i know that he doesnt know what his intentions are because he doesnt know me like other people because i am still kinda shy, but im going to bring him to my house to see if i can be more me in my own enviroment, hanging out with him more will really help me warm up to him. I will find out what his intentions are soon though. I like him alot and now he cant blame me..
2.Guitarist is coming back soon and i actually am excited it makes shortshorts happy, and hes kool i would like to see him again, then me shortshorts mysoundtrack and guitarist can all hangout again. I have some other thoughts on my mind to.
3. I need motivation, this week my goal is to attend everyclass on time all week, maybe subtract friday because its a tradition for me and ooper to go around and look for christmas presents for people and sit in tim hortans, but i do really want to watch this love actually movie. so i dont know whats going to go on.
4. im excited for twin to come down soon that will really make me happy, and christmas together will be great, i know shes not happy right now and i really think she should stay down here for a semester, nana said she had no problem having her come here and live with her but the whole party every weekend is a no go, but i agree not healthy and things are gunna change for me after new years.
5.mm, semi night and all that was a great weekend ive been having a good time on weekends so i dont know why im so down.
6. its oopers bday tuesday so im going to her house and were gunna bake stuff, i love baking :D
7. I'm going to hand out resumes today or sometime this week cause i would really like to work and get my own money i feel more independent and i want my own cash on me.
8. This weekend PUN has a show on saturday, so i hope im going to that and if not PARTYboy iss having another party that i might go to.
p.s being sick ROCKS :
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
It kills me to stand here and see that im not what your dreaming of..
Dear Ryan,
YOU DRIVE ME EFFING INSANE. You just make me want you soo much. I just want to jump ahead to the future to see if your in it. I hope you are because i dont think ive wanted someone as much as i want you right now.Im really upset at this whole drama thing thats going on between you and my ex and im really sorry that he had to come and chirp you because i dont like him anymore it was ridiculous but i cant control what other people do and i really hope its something that doesnt effect anything between you and i and if am really something special or important to you, you wont let his words get to you. You seem to be everything ive ever wanted in a guy. Your a happy person, your cute, your outgoing and funny, your musical, you are smart. You smell good, your tall. You are peotic and understanding. You are someone who i can talk to and you seem like you understand and you help me. You open up to me and show me your sensative side. I know you will protect me if i ever need it. You are mature and ive always been a sucker for a singer. GAAH.
You always make me so confused though. Like i dont understand. You have told me that you have feelings for me but then give me some of these off signals. I think your letting my age get in the way of alot of things, which incredibly sucks, and i mean you have told me some of the things that you see in a girl and im always like well sh*t because theres only a little bit that i see in myself. I try to ignore those facts and just keep moving on but i do think about it sometime. I understand you might be scared to start a relationship or what not because of the way you have been hurt in the past or the fact yyour in college , in a band, sing and play guitar. For all the physical reasons. But no ryan, no thats not it at all, you could give up everything. You could sound like a frog when you sing and if you treated me the same way as you do and be like 15, i would still be like.. crazy about you. I like you for whats on the inside for your personality. I like you because of the way you talk to me or hold me. Or the way you laugh at me and call me KRISPY. I like the sound of your voice when you say my name. I even like the way you smell. That sounds so creepy. I could go on forever telling you how much things i like about you. The only hing i dislike is you thinking to much, i mean take chances. I know im some kid, and what do i know, but you only live once and lifes to short to sit around and think things out and in the end even if all is bad you still have that expierence to look back on and use for the future. Everyday you and i step outside of our houses we have the chances to be killed, even when were inside. Anything can happen and i cant imagine dying without getting a chance with you. Theres my crazy side. I'm still sitting here. waiting. Letting everythhing play out and hope for the best. Letting myself get ahead when i know i shouldent but i dont care if i get hurt anymore.
I kinda miss you and i am super excited for friday !!
-kbrianne <3
YOU DRIVE ME EFFING INSANE. You just make me want you soo much. I just want to jump ahead to the future to see if your in it. I hope you are because i dont think ive wanted someone as much as i want you right now.Im really upset at this whole drama thing thats going on between you and my ex and im really sorry that he had to come and chirp you because i dont like him anymore it was ridiculous but i cant control what other people do and i really hope its something that doesnt effect anything between you and i and if am really something special or important to you, you wont let his words get to you. You seem to be everything ive ever wanted in a guy. Your a happy person, your cute, your outgoing and funny, your musical, you are smart. You smell good, your tall. You are peotic and understanding. You are someone who i can talk to and you seem like you understand and you help me. You open up to me and show me your sensative side. I know you will protect me if i ever need it. You are mature and ive always been a sucker for a singer. GAAH.
You always make me so confused though. Like i dont understand. You have told me that you have feelings for me but then give me some of these off signals. I think your letting my age get in the way of alot of things, which incredibly sucks, and i mean you have told me some of the things that you see in a girl and im always like well sh*t because theres only a little bit that i see in myself. I try to ignore those facts and just keep moving on but i do think about it sometime. I understand you might be scared to start a relationship or what not because of the way you have been hurt in the past or the fact yyour in college , in a band, sing and play guitar. For all the physical reasons. But no ryan, no thats not it at all, you could give up everything. You could sound like a frog when you sing and if you treated me the same way as you do and be like 15, i would still be like.. crazy about you. I like you for whats on the inside for your personality. I like you because of the way you talk to me or hold me. Or the way you laugh at me and call me KRISPY. I like the sound of your voice when you say my name. I even like the way you smell. That sounds so creepy. I could go on forever telling you how much things i like about you. The only hing i dislike is you thinking to much, i mean take chances. I know im some kid, and what do i know, but you only live once and lifes to short to sit around and think things out and in the end even if all is bad you still have that expierence to look back on and use for the future. Everyday you and i step outside of our houses we have the chances to be killed, even when were inside. Anything can happen and i cant imagine dying without getting a chance with you. Theres my crazy side. I'm still sitting here. waiting. Letting everythhing play out and hope for the best. Letting myself get ahead when i know i shouldent but i dont care if i get hurt anymore.
I kinda miss you and i am super excited for friday !!
-kbrianne <3
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