One shot, i'll take it if you let me. One thought, its you thats lying next to me.

HAHAHA.
Like i thought it wass another good weekend i have so much to talk about but im not going to go there. Friday night, i went to oopers house with shortshorts and we all hungout did some girlie stuff caught up and talked about our lives, and got into a whole thing about paranormal activity and so on. The night got pretty intense same with the following morning. Something i wont get over for a longgg time.. people just dont get it. TRIPPEN. Anyways saturday was the best day of the weekend. We all hungout at guitarists house for the night, and PARTIED again. During the time of this, mysoundtrack got a little messed up but ended up connecting to me on a whole new level. We were laying underneith guitarists computer desk and he told me a bunch of things about his past relationships and how hes scared to start one with me because he has been hurt so much before and just doesnt want to be hurt again. He told me about how he had been cheating on or when he gave someone everything he could but they told him it wasnt what they wanted, he asked me if i understood how that felt. I do know how it feels to be hurt and i got into how my exex bf, cheated on me and only kept me around for sex, and he told me that i am a very beautiful girl that deserves to be appriecated, and if he ever found out another guy that would mess with me again he would take care of them. Though violence never solves anything.He said he was a very straight up person and if he only wanted someone around for action he would tell them that and not lead them on the way he is with me, he told me he doesnt ever want to hurt a girl the way he has been hurt. He told me that he really liked me aswell. I dont remember all of it, but we lied there and talked for 3 hours straight. It was so deep and intense i wanted to cry, i could hear the pain in his voice and how much what he was saying ment to him, and the way he was complimenting me and saying things to me just made me feel good and it ment something. The thing that sucked the most was that he was not all there and might not remember it, let alone even mean it. He told me to tell him a random word that he would say the next day to show me he remembered it and ment it. Stupid me could only come up with the word monkey. So early this morning he said monkey, so i was super happy. Today we watched p.s i love you at his house and cuddled and talked about it all over again. Im so far up in the sky right now i just dont know what to do. I still know im just going to take things slow because i really want them to workout.
And oh. another thing that sucks. Guitarist found my blog and told mysoundtrack this was the name i came up for him !!!!!
Why would you do that guitarist. Why? I also think he shouldent complain about the original name i gave him because it could of been like bumhole but its not. So i think he should appreciate that.
Anyways all in all goood weekend.
Semi and PARTYboys party this weekend. YAH. im pumped :D

Look at me im actually like, some pathetic little child whose dying.. for your attention

Soo last night was prettyyy great.
I hungout at guitarists with shortshorts and mysoundtrack. We started out the night with watching twilight and i guess i looked upset so mysoundtrack and i began to wrestle he would try to tickle me or grab my feet(its a phobia of mine) so i would try to hold his hands back and he would try to hold mine to, after we cuddled a little bit, and kissed a little bit... so on. Guitarists family had chinese food for dinner and mysoundtrack had to sing for a chicken ball, so i went upstairs with him to listen to him practise, he sang his song tonight to me and it was really great. He is such a good singer it gave me goosebumps. Guitarists little brother was standing in the room aswell and he looked at him and said, jeez your just standing there all pretty and gorgous its intimadating to me then looked at me.. i wasnt shure if he was refering to me but i giggles anyway. The last great thing of the night was he asked me to come see faberdrive and the newcities concert with him on the 11th, that the girl he was going to go with.. his ex, he told her she couldent come anymore. I felt a little bad at first but then i was super excited to get some time with him and see one of my favourite bands ! YEEY. Things so far are working out great and shortshorts thinks he likes me, but im not to shure :P.
I had a weird dream last night. I almost beat up one of my good friends.. im going to call her albino because she resembles an albino girl, she is quite white.. but it was violent i got really mad at her and started randomly yelling at her because she told her mom i was hiding in her closet.. haha i have no idea why i was there. Then after me and mysoundtrack were in this room, in the JLC waiting to see a band play and he was texting this girl.. at the time i had like a HUGE crush on him to, then i heard him talking outloud what he was saying to the girl and it really hurt he was talking about hooking up with her and liking her and i asked him i thought he was into me and he said "i say the same things to everygirl i want." I felt like i was stabbed in the chest. I felt tears pool up in my eyes but i didnt let them fall i just said oh, and laughed a fake laugh.
This dream was really weird and i dont know what to think but im going to be cautious because i dont want something like that to be true.. though everyone tells me hes not that kind of person. I guess i just havee to get to know him better. On the up side of things, he wrote a poem that i inspired, i read it and really liked it. Its about being strong and always moving forward in life. One of my favourite lines of the whole thing though are : " hand in hand you lead me one step closer to eternal existance, one that embaraces emotion instead of deeming it as a sickness" He is an amazing writer in my opinion.

So tonight will be a pretty good night, after im done babysitting today im going back to my house to meet ooper and shortshorts then we can hopfully get a ride to the millpond tap and grill to see PARTYboy play and stay at oopers house, after her soccer tommorrow then we are going to shortshorts dads. Its going to be a good weekend i hope !

TIkTOk on the clock but the party dont stop ! ;]

CHEEEERRRSSS ! to Picture Us Naked for getting into a show down in PANAMA CITY, Flordia; and thanks for inviting me, it will be a good vacation PARTY and i will get lots of time with mysoundtrack :D !

So this weekend will be another pretty good weekend i think. Friday i'm going to see my friend, i will call..PARTYboy play at a restaurant with his friend. Im going to go with ooper. We will probibly eat some food while he plays and then talk afterward. I havent seen him in forever so it will be good to catch up. A little awkward because of the crush i used to have on him but other than that a goodtime. Then saturday night me and ooper are going to stay at shortshorts dads place, and were going guitarists to watch some movies with mysoundtrack, ooper and i will call him bruce. Then sunday i will hopfully be going shopping for my semi dress.
Even the following friday is going to be good because there is semi, and then PARTY at PARTYboys :D
Theres nothing much to talk about because right now life is feeling pretty square. Mostly because im in school haha, but i dont even know what to do tonight aswell. Next period i have a test on the book To Kill a Mockingbird and im not completely sure im ready for it but the review was a little simple so hopfully i do well. :]

I can tare you to peices when my heart is broken.

So last night was a good night for me, i hungout with mysoundtrack till the early am. I got into alot of trouble but it was definitly worth it. We spent most of the night at his place watching movies and kissing :D We cuddled a little bit to. One thing led to the next and the night was practically perfect. The best part was definitly when we were standing up and looking in the window at our reflection and i felt his arms wrap around me, and his head bury into the space between my neck and shoulder. For a few minutes i stood there perfectly still feeling his breath on my neck and his arms slowly drop down to my hips then back up towards my chest. When i got home i got a drink and went to bed. as soon as my head hit my pillow i was out. Today was a lame day i guess, my whole family ended up sleeping in and i missed art again. Math we did nothing but these excersizes. At lunch me and my friend im gunna call her..Ooper. Just sat around talked and listenend to her ipod. Lunch dragged along with third period.. english. All we did was some more review. Then in health class i started on a new project thats due friday. I really need to get started on the good copy for my poster too.
Now im just sitting around thinking. I dislike thinking. In the dark. When im alone, because my thoughts arent always that great. Right now im kind of questioning to whether mysoundtrack is just usuing me for sexual reasons or if his feelings are real.. if he even has feelings, but most people would agree with me he does seeing the conversations we have and the things he tells me, but who knows. I'm just hoping that hes not keeping me around for action because that would really hurt. So im just gunna hangout with him more and then see what happens. I know the signs when a guy wants just action but some a reallly good at hiding it. I just wish i could go and ask straight up but i dont want to seem crazy because we have only been hanging out for a little bit now and i already have feelings - . - Ive always fallen to fast for people but i will try to slow down. Another thing im thinking about is the fact he is a college student he told me he would overlook my age, but i think it would be hard. Like what college student would want to start a relationship with a 15 year old. There i go again jumping to far ahead. I just need to breathe.
I have alot of homework which really sucks, and i have to shower and hopfully catch up on my sleep so im going to have a tight schedule but i can never pull myself away from the computer aha. :]

Mysoundtrack.

so i had an amazing weekend. I made new friends, learned new things.. saw new moon. It was great. I stayed over at one of my best friends house.. im guunna call her shortshorts, because of a inside joke from the summer, and i pretty much owe my life to her for introducing me to this boy.. that im going to call mysoundtrack because his voice has been the soundtrack of my weekend. His speaking and his singing. Friday night.. wow what a night. I will make the long story short. We went to a show, but ended up partying in a van. The band changed one of there lyrics to better off without those b**ches in my trunk. haha so thats is mine and shortshorts new nickname. Were VIP ;). After lets just say. PARTY. We went to the guitarists house and had some fun, then went back to mysoundtracks, this is where things got good for me :) All throughout being at guitarists house me and mysoundtrack were flirting and teasing eachother i could tell he really wanted to kiss me and i did to, but i wasnt sure if i should or not. But i ended up in mysoundtracks basement with his lips pressed to mine. All i can remember is the immense butterflys and my loss for words. I also remember the shock that would run through my veins when his hand would brush along my skin, or the way my stomach twisted when he would whisper my name. I felt so great that he was acknowleging me. The only thing was. Is that i didnt want to get ahead of myself, and end up getting hurt. Though the tingly feeling i got when he would kiss my forehead or rub noses with me.
Saturday was a good and bad day, i woke up at 7 ish not feeling well from the previous night but lived. What got me through was the thought of going to see new moon with mysoundtrack, shortshorts and guitarist. When the time came we got picked up at guitarists house by mysoundtrack and went. The movie was really good. bbut i found myself concentrating on mysoundtrack most of the time, wanting to hold his hand but i just couldent bring myself to do it. Like a shy little boy on the first date. It was embarassing everytime he caught me looking at him.. i would just smile and he would smile back. By the end of the movie i was a little dissappointed because all that had happen was mysoundtrack put his arm around me for like 10 seconds and touched my hair, then dropped us off at shortshorts house and left. Depressed i sat down and watched family guy. Shortshorts texted mysoundtrack telling him to come over to hangout for a little bit with guitarist before they have to work. Once they got there we just all sat on the couch and watched some t.v and talked. I ended up getting really close to mysoundtrack and cuddling with him along with holding his hand. He also kissed me on the forehead and when he left he gave me a big hug. So i was pretty content with that. As the night came along so did the drama.. my ex that still apperently is in love with me found out i was hanging out with mysoundtrack and just flipped started to be overdramatic to the point where shortshorts got mad and so did I. I also found out that mysoundtrack said he couldent take me seriously with the ex still hanging around, he doesnt want to mess with his emotions or something like that. So i got a little upset and got mad at my ex for not thinking. Looking for attention from me he did some really stupid things that i just ignored. Then signed on msn and started to get really mad at me for not helping and saying really rude things. I knew it wasnt him because he would never say anything like he did to me. The next day come to find out it was his ex girlfriend, one of my friends to.. so i was mad that my friend would do something like that to me for the ex boyfriend she hated. Later on sunday she tried to apologize to me and say she still wanted to be my friend. Not sure if i want the same thing or not.
All sunday was pretty much a work day for me, i sat around and worked on my art project.. a self portrait . Then i sat around on the computer. I probibly had one of the best, intense and deepest conversations with mysoundtrack virtually possible we got into so much about his past and life lessons and out opinions on things. He told me some things that he hasnt even told his best friend.. let alone his parents. I felt really special and trusted to find those things out. Throughout the conversation i replayed the same for songs over and over again by his band. He being singer.. was the only way i could hear his voice without him actually being with me. Around 11 pm he really wanted to come and steal me so we could hangout because he was lonely and feeling cuddly, seeing that i was like EEEEEKKK, but i looked so bad and was half asleep so i told him another day and he said ok. It was almost midnight and i felt bad because i knew he had to wake up early to go to college, but he said he was staying up to talk to me and he votes thats a good decision. Of course i got butterflys. Finally i drag myself off the computer around 12:15 after listening to his music about 200 times per song with a smile on my face due to a great conversation. I sang myself the lyrics that i finally new and fell asleep.
It was mostly a great weekend and i can not wait to see mysoundtrack again.
I dont want to get to far ahead of myself because i dont want to be hurt, but taking that risk could end in something very well :)
ooohhhh mysoundtrack :D

...

all i want is you all over me. end of story.

In this world, anything can happen.

Her body hovers over his dead corpse. Tears spilling from her eyes wetting the front of her blouse. She slowy traces his cold cheeckbone with her fingers. Why did things have to end this way? It wasnt fair. That dark fuzzy memory flashed in her mind once again.

Slamming the door she yelled "I dont ever want to see your face again. I hate you, I will never forget what you have done to me. I dont want you in my life any longer."
"im so sorry" he whispered.
She remembered hearing his footsteps slowly drifting away along with the sound of his quiet sobs. Peeking through the window she watched him slowly pull out of her driveway onto the street. Within seconds a pickup truck sped around the corner and crashed into the drivers side of the car. Her loud scream echoed as she raced out the door. The force from the truck caused his little red car to flip three times, and land upside down. From there on it was a blur.

Though surrounded by people, she had never felt so alone. Walking away from the casket that held the person she loved so dearly was like holding her head under water when she needed to take a breath. Feeling suffocated she was forced to watch tall men dressed in black push his now eternal bed out the doors and into the car. The thought of that being the last time she would ever see his face caused her knees to buckle. Falling to the ground she felt her lips shape the word no, but there wasnt a sound made. Laying on the cold tiles she whimpered asking herself why. " I forgive you" she yelled, to an empty room. "I'm sorry" she said knowing nobody would answer. "I love you" she whispered though she would never hear those words from him again.

todays not a good day.

Not having a good day today. It hurts to think that everything that could of happenend in the past was lie. All those suspiscions I had could of been real. Who knows? When someone promises you they wont do something then turn around and does the exact opposite and you find out, It hurts. When you confront the person about it and they tell you its not true.. when you know it is. It hurts worse. When they continuosly lie to you, going on and on, trying to convince you its not true.. yet you have proof it is. Its stressful. When they blame it on there brother its pathatic. Then when they finally come out with the truth after all that its agravating. Why would you dig a hole that deep?
"I just wanted you to know how I felt" So its my fault now? great. Blame me, if it makes you feel right. When I did something that hurt you I was straight up and truthful about everything I never once lied. As if that was your goal because you had no idea i would find out about this. And if it was, what a great goal. To hurt someone you care about. I hope it was all what you wanted it to be. Congrats.. are you proud now? Do you feel fullfilled? After all that.. I shure hope so. You blew any chance of getting back together. I dont trust you anymore. As for our friendship not to shure where its going to go from here. Maybe in the future I will forgive you.
Sometimes life sucks.

Reflection

That girl i see, staring back at me in the puddle on the street. Who is she? Black tears from her mascara run down her cheeks from her demon like eyes. Bloodshot and burning. Her hair wet, whipping her face in the wind. I can see the pain slaped across her face, i can see that isolated bubble that perminitly keeps her from everyone else. I can see she feels abnormal. She is alone. Lost in the mess of the life god had given her. Lost in this giant unfair world. Looking up she continues to walk down the street, searching for something she knows, someone she knows.


i dont know what else to write. so thats the ending. fornow.

Yesterdays conference.

Reflecting on yesterday the first thing that comes to my mind is Kim fleets story. The story of Laura Wilson. A girl that was in a controlling relationship with a guy, they were really on and off for a while then finally after a while she got sick of it and broke up with him for good. He continuously called her and called her and she never picked up, he would leavemany msgs saying shes a slut and how could she not be with him. When he called on a different cell phone laura picked up and he asked her if she had a bf and she said yes she did.. when she didnt she was just fed up. After kim and laura went to bed, they heard the glass in the front room smash and they got up to see who it was.. it was lauras ex boyfriend. In the end. Lauras ex boyfriend stabbed her to death and beat her.. also hit kim and cut her shoulder with the knife. This story slightly scared me a little bit because it reminded me of some things that had happenend in the past of course i could never really relate to what kim went through, but the things about lauras bf continuously calling her and saying that he needed her and leaving lots of msgs and how he seems slightly.. obsessed with her. I think Kims msg to us is to watch out for ourselves and for our friends in relationships, to know the warning signs because anything could happen. Abuse could happen to you. Another thing i liked was the sexual assult presentation, the girl made alot of points. approx. 80% of sexual assults are done by someone you know, and that most names we call people relate to female..whether its female anatomy or being like a female. I think its weird how things are like that. Some of the things i learned are that if you feel something is wrong, make a big deal about it because what if something does happen? If you ignore the feeling it would be to late. Rather be safe then sorry. If nothing was going to happen then you can laugh about it later. Another thing i learned was that if you feel you are being followed turn around and look at that person it makes you less of a target. Make sure you stay 2 arm lengths away, when he gets closer you back up. Always make sure your looking at them to that way it doesnt give them a chance to grap you when your not looking. I think this trip was a very good one, and i learned alot of different things. I would recommend going to one. :]

Its been a little while since ive last written in here so there is quite a bit to get caught up on. The past week has been really bad for me, so much has went on. Im going to start with on Sunday night. When my mom got back from work me and my bf where in my room and she came in and asked me if i noticed my dad walking around anywhere and i said no.. what are you talking about? She told me for the last couple of hours my dad had been stalking around our house and our street waiting for my mom to come home, and it turned out he was sitting across the road under a tree watching me and my bf walk inside. Scary. He got into a fight with his mom and left.. walked to where i live and waited. He wanted to talk to my mom.. or just come back to his old family. My mom had to get a ride home from her friend and get walked inside. My dad isnt suppost to be within 100 metres of our home.. her work. us and our schools but he broke the restrains. She told me she was going to the police. I got really upset and started to cry, i begged her not to because i knew he would go back to jail for a really long time and i didnt even want him to go to jail the first time, but she told me she shouldent have to be scared in her own house. So she did and i listened to the police drive around my home until they found him. I was really upset and felt super sorry for my boyfriend having to be there through all this. I was so depressed i didnt even move i sat on my bed staring at my feet with tears falling down my face. I listened to my mom give her statement about what happened and the police say he will be charged once more for breaking 3 of his stipulations and then leave. I cryed even more at the thought of my dad not making it through. I dont know how long he will be going to jail this time. Why is he so dumb sometimes it really hurts me. I dont even know what to do anymorre. That whole niight i stayed up and finally fell asleep at 6 a.m. I didnt have to go to school the next day my whole family stayed home. Everyone was upset. Theeen Later on that night i broke up with my boyfriend. We are taking a break. I think i really need to figure out my feelings for him because its so unfair and maybe were ment to be friends? I dont know. I'm just going to see where this takes us. Those were the big downfalls of my week there are alot of other little thingss that have happenend but i would rather not mention some on here. whooof. Well getting more positive im excited for the weekend. Friday im going to the football game and then maybe a party or just going to a friends house. Then saturday im going to hangout in dorchester with a couple of new friends ive met and have a sleepover, yeeey ! Then sunday im going to try one of the practises for indoor field hockey and see if i like it. If i do im going to order a stick and keep going back. There house league season starts in january. Until then its just practising skills. That would be good for me, i want to learn how to deek and drive better. :)