im as calm as the breeze, im the bees knees his legs and his arms ima superstar girl

its been a while since ive posted in here but i thought i should update anyone who reads this. My summer is going alrigt not as great as i hoped but still a good time. i really want to get back in cheer bad. somehow i really wish east could get a team theres so much talent, but im probibly just gunna join london heat or vipers or something. I definitly wish i did field hockey this summer im excited to go back to school and tryout though my attendance was terrible last semester but im still gunna try. my birthday is coming up soon i want to go shopping in toronto and go to wonderland. im gunna try for a new style this year. im probibly getting extentionss to. im gunna get my belly button peirced soon to hopefully :)
uhm me and will, its almost our 6 months, right now were going through a stage i believe we fight atleast once a day for 20-hour. but he stopped doing drugs for his family because he got caught which is probibly one of the bes thing that has happened for him and he is transfering to east, it will be better for him bc he has to pull up his pants or he is kicked outta my house. i think i can finally say i love the boy, because hes not just a bf to me hes like my best friend. honestly hes my number one right now. i havent seen ali in ages it seems like we can never make enough time for eachother were always busy when we call and ask eachother to hangout. so hopefully on my bday we can have a girls night out or something and im hopefully gunna have a party.
im actually excited to go back to school i like my classes besides the 2 grade 10 classes i have to retake, im pumped for the dance one for sure and fashions and fitness :)
but im going to get some hair dye, ill post another blog sooon
kriten:)

Maybe your gunna be the one that saves mee and afterall, your my wonderwall

I had a great may 2-4 weekend. I did lots of things but my favourite day was yesterday. Craig, Alyssa, Jenn, Will and I went to lake whitiker and went swimming in the lake. It was soo warm ! Like it was atleast 80 degrees, i was scared to walk in because there was supposively snapping turtles so Will would carry me out and squat in the water and i would sit on him, then we brough a picnic table in andsat on that and pushed eachother off for a little bit till everyone was wet. Then we tried doing this trust thing where we all grabbed hand and leaned back and tried to balance but we always ended up falling in. Then we played chicken. I got on Wills shoulders and then Jen got on Craigs and we tried to push eachother over, lastly we just sat on the picnic table and talked. Will took me for a walk through the camping sites to show me where his trailor used to be thn we decided we were gunna go camping sometime soon maybe this weekend coming up or next. We went on th swings for a bit and then headed out. We had to take alyssa home to wallacburg to. This weekend we also went to grand bend for a couple of hours and went to a bunch of parties it was super fun. Me and Will still fight quite a bit its nothing super big and our longest one lasted only a couple of hours but i hate when we fight its over stupid things to, and Will is so friggen moody. Everyone swears he has bipolar. His moods change faster then a clock. It can be bad. But we always work it out in the end. I wrote him a letter telling him how ive been feeling about somethings and about how its normal to fight once in a while in a relationship and just about alot of things and it made him cry. It was so cute i thought. I really want him to start having some goals inlife. I finally found out that he wanted to be a marine biologist since he was little but he given up on that because he doesnt want to go back to school. Im really trying to talk him into going back because he really will need it in the end. I also really need to get back to school, this year is almost over and its not looking to good but i have many new goals for next year to help improve. I want to work my bum off to get back to where i used to be when i had 90's in all my classes. Im trying out for Powercheergym vipers on thursday im a little nervous but really pumped because i want to get back into it but im scared there going to make me take my peircings out. I definitly would NOT take out my tongue, and i dont want to take out my nose but id consider it. If they do tell me to i probibly wont do it and just see if theres a team i could help with or anyway i could try and get east elgin a team. Or maybe cheerleading just isnt my sport anymore :( i really miss it though !

and i aint going out with no pain, wada da dang wada dada daang

so i have quite a bit to talk about, the past couple of days between me and will have been so crazy. We have been fighting a bit over the most stupid things and i hate it so much, but were trying to get through it.. i'll start from the beginning. So on thursday will and his friend chad were fighting because i guess Will owed him money for alcohol, so kay whatever. The next day i was talking to chads girlfirend about it and she asked me if i knew what the money that he owed chad was for, and i said ya.. alcohol. and she was like BULL SH*T. and i was like NO WAY. what was it for and she said blow. COCAINE. i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT IT. I was sooo pissed off, i wanted to break up with him. i started like hitting stuff andd kicking stuf because i told him if he ever did it i woould leave him and he said he wouldent then he went out and did it, i called him and SCREAMED at him and he argued with me back asking why i was making it such a big deal, and i told him about my past and how he didnt understand my dad used to do it infront of me and how i felt like a peice of shit because it seemed like he didnt care. then he was like it was only one time blah blah then i was like thats all it took for my dad to get hooked and shit and how do i know he wasnt going to do it again behind my back? then he was like this isnt a good time to talk about this ill call you later bye i love you and i didnt say anything i just hungup and threw the phone. then he called me at like 8 later that night and i didnt answer the phone, then he sent me and inbox and 8 20 i didnt answer it and then he called me like 3 more times and i didnt answer until 9 and he was telling me how sorry he was and he couldent risk losing me, he told me he would stop smoking and doing weed and especially blow because there was more important things in life like me. i didnt completely believe him but i took it back anyways and told him he has one more chance.. he lost my trust though in that sense of things.. and he told me he didnt know it hurt me so much but he still has no idea its what i haave been thinking about for the past couple of days and just picturing him doing it.. it hurts so bad. We ended up hanging out that night and things got a little bit better, i felt a little bit better but the next day we went and hungout with his friends and went skateboarding and he was drinking.. he was asking everybody for smokes and he knows that i want him to quit to because of his asthema so when he got a smoke i took it away and i asked him why he told me he was gunna quit everything if he really wasnt and that bothered me. so when he lit one up i was like alright apperently smoking is more important so he ripped the smoke up and i took a bite of my ice cream and smiled he thought i was pissed or something still so walked away and went into a different car and i folllowed him and said whats wrong and he got mad at me and wouldent look at me so i said okay when your ready we can talk, for the rest of the night we stayed away from eachother. then finally i went and talked to him. he got upset because he didnt think that i ever came chasing after him when we got into fights and there fore i dont care pretty much but i tol dhim how that was so untrue.. we talked it all out and things were better again. We went back to his house adn went to bed. the next day we decided to go to the movies, he started to get jelous because of how many guys were looking at me so he started chirping everyone and being stupid and then i got mad and embarassed and said i was not going to a mall with him again so he got pissed and walked away then craig went after him and me and alyssa just walked away to, then because we were seperated and the mall was so big we couldent find eachother for like another hour. So me and alyssa got pictures together while they did who knows what, over time we eventualy ran into eachother and will just walked away from me and i tried to talk to him, then i forget what he said but it really upset me so i just ran out the nearest exit he grabbed onto me right before i was out the doors and then we started fighting. I stayed quit but he was yelling at me and people were staring and it was just bad. We didnt even talk it out enough to make it better we just said we were done fighting and gave eachother a hug, during the movie though he told me he loved me lots of times and saw i was upset so he laid his head on me and kissed me on the cheek but it wasnt until when the movie was over and we were in the caar that made me feel better, he whispered in my ear that w ecant let these things get between us because we were stronger then that. So i smiled then kissed him. That night i ended up drinking alot and was a little tipsey :S but we had an amazing talk that made both of us cry and made things better. then yesterday things were alot better he was just grumpy because his mom wouldent give him money so he ignored me for a bit. I think we just need some space from eachother for a bit so last night i went home for the first time in a week and a half and spent the night with my cousin it was fun to. Ill probibly stay with him again tonight but then not see him till wednesday.. i hope things will get better though, i know we can make it through this little phase or whatever.

let's trade shoes just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain, you feel mine. go inside each others minds

WAHOO, two weeks late but i got my period. Terrible cramps, terrible pms and major fatigue butt I GOT IT. I'm not pregnant YEEY. That little expierence scared the POOOP out of me, never am i gunna have unprotected sex again, infact im going to go on birthcontrol again asap and always use condoms (y) BE SAFE. So i have a bit on my mind lately, people tell me that me and Will seem like the couple who could be together forever and Will tells me how he loves me more then anything and that he doesnt want to have kids with anyone except me and wants to be with me pretty much forever. But what gets me is, is this really love? am i really in love? Does he really love me? He says that if he had any concept of it, its what he feels for me.. does our feelings grow even more then where we are at right now? I mean forever.. ya id love to spend forever with him but do i even really know him yet.. we have only been dating for almost 3 months. thats not long at all. He finally opened up to me lastnight he told me things that he doesnt like to tell people because he thinks they are downfalls when really its just part of what makes him who he is. What if someone better comes along, i dont like usuing those words but were so long, we have the whole world ahead of us with so many people out there left to meet. I mean i'd love to tell him that he means everything to me, but i dont know if he does because i dont even know if this is real. Maybe its just infatuation, i dontknow?
Lately ive been sad at night and have not been able to sleep well because i always wish i was with him. During the day im perfectly fine, i actually like going out and doing me, doing what i like to do and being with my friends but come 8 o clock all i want to do is lay down and cuddle with him but hes like 40 minutes away :(
I just wish i could drive but i have to wait a whole nother year before i can drive on my own, and have a car. I also just want to move out on my own aswell. I want to start my own life already and im only 15 years old. Its so frustrating. I dont even know why i feel this way. Lastly, its may, its almost been 2years since my dad first went to jail and this whole new rollercoaster started. I have an oral hearing in june which im so nervous for but it will benefit me in the end. Im also deciding that im going to do this thing, where i can eventually become a youth leader, i just go to this meetings called focus groups and talk about drugs and our opinions on it and how it has effected us in the past and the people around us, it gets me community hours aswell for school which is a benefit.
And on a brighter side of things, im passing 3 of my classes which suprises me because ive missed so much, but im going to go everyday this semester or whats left of it to try and get my marks up to 70's atleast.. :)
Ou and i found a new favourite song. If it means alot to you by a day to remember, Beautiful - Eminem, Despicable- Eminem, Not afraid - Eminem and We be steady mobbin- lil wayne :)
im looking forward to your response mrs. roth, you always help :) thank you

Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore.

So i dont really know where to start today. I guess ill start with the good. I had a great weekend ! Alyssa came down again everynight we had fun and we made a new friend. Her name is turbo tina, shes a LLAMMA ! Our friend craig lives across the road from a farm that has like 8 llammas, Tina was the only brown one. We call her TURBO tina because when me and alyssa run along the fence she would always follow us, and then eventually we started racing her. She runs so fast. We would go out every morning, and everytime as soon as tina laid eyes on us she would run to the fence. I tried to feed her but she just spit on me, i guess she doesnt like the type of grass i had. We went to the drive in aswell and saw kickass I got to get all cuddley with william which was good. I saw will everyday this weekend aswell. Were getting so much closer, now we can talk about anything and do just about anything infront of eachother without getting embarassed. Like when we are bored and just kissing eachother between every breathe we tend to make some sort of animal noise, mostly meows its a little weird but it always makes me laugh. And theres just so much more i could go on about with him and i but it would take to much time. Hes trying to find a job right now which is really good because we and our friends still want to find our own place and i just want a whole new start, ive dug myself in so deep i just dont know what to do anymore. I want to transfer to a catholic school in woodstock now, with Alyssa and Amanda. I want to make new friends aswell and meet new people. I wouldent forget my old ones but still. Right now i feel a bit overwhelmed, mostly because my period is a week late and i might be pregnant. I dont know what to do if i am either. Im not ready for a baby.. im only 15 years old. I couldent take care of it and go to school. Id have to get a job because my mom wouldent have enough to support it and its not her responsibility to anyways. I dont think id want to give up my body aswell to nurture a baby and i dont want to know what labour pains feel like till 10 years from now.. Will said if i did choose to have it hed work two jobs and i could work aswell and if we do get that apartment wed have somewhere to stay and i might be able to get student welfare but it wouldent be easy. Im not ready. But everytime i think about an abortion it makes me what to cry because ive already grown an attatchment to something i dont even know if its there, but just the thought of taking life from something, and the thought of having something grow inside of me and me giving life to something but its such a huge responsibility. My mom keeps asking me why i keep torchering myself like this.I dont know why, im much smarter. But this is teaching me a lesson and scaring the living SH*T out of me and Will. It definitly is something that would never happen again..
My mom is now making me be home early sunday mornings so i can have a day to do things for me, like my laundry and my homework so i can get back on my feet, she says im so much better then what i have been being lately. Its just getting worse aswell, and its hurting my mom because she feels she cant do anything about it. I think this will help me a little. That way i could spend time with her aswell. I stayed home from school oncee again today, my teachers definitly arent going to be pleased, but i really am going to try in the next couple of months to attend more and get my grades back up and just get out of grade 10. urg.

April showers bring May flowers.

wow, what a weekend. Again i spent the whole thing with will. We definitly bonded this weekend i think (thanks for the ideas mrs roth). Wills backyard is so big, he has woods where his dad goes deer hunting, he brought me all through there and down by this swamp. It was beautiful, i saw little chipmunks chasing after eachother and this hill filled with pretty flowers. He also drove me around on his doom buggy it was a one seater so i had to sit on his lap, i steered while he pressed the gas and break. We went to a party on friday, with my cousin ( shes down by the way ) then saterday we didnt do to much. I got mad at him again, i guess it was just an over reaction but we talked it out and everything was much better afterwards we started to do things that brought us closer. Sunday we went for the walk and the ride on his doom buggy, then we hungout with chad and alyssa. The boys went skateboarding and us girls watched, then we went to jesses place for cake, because it was a friends birthday. He aknowleged me so much more during this point of time. Afterwards we went downstairs and had a little bit to drink and we layed together on a couch waiting for the boys to come back and we wrestled eachother and he would tickle me to death and kiss me all over really fast so it would tickle to and it was cute:] Then last night he slept over again, we cuddled with eachother all night. He told me alot of personal things, and things that he wanted in the future. At the moment he isnt in that great of a position. Hes suspended again for skipping class so much. He is thinking about getting a job and dropping out. I smacked him when he said that and told him he should stay in school he will regret it so much later. So now hes going to work and go to school. Today hes actually making 200 dollars for picking up scrap metal and what not which is great for him. I need to get a job, a good job especially if i was considering moving out. Alyssas social worker gave her a number to a place where, once your 16 aslong as you go to school you can have someone pay for your share of the rent or all of your rent, which i think would be amazing for me to have if i could. That way that would be one less thing id have to pay for and then id just pay my share for water, cable and food.
Lately ive been so much happier, i dont think ive ever been truley sad or really mad. When im home im getting along much better with my family other then the school thing. Im failing science, im so far behind i dont know what to do. I barly ever go to that class, and i need it for my future but i know im going to fail :/ Even if i go more im going to fail, so i might do summer school or hopefully if i can credit recovery then talk to my guidance counciller about staying in university level biology and chemistry. All my other classes are good, im passing them with above 70's which is my goal for now. But i just dont know what to do about that. I know that my teacher dislikes me for missing her class and i totally understand its very disrespectful but now im scared of her LOL. its a little bit frustrating though. Ive put myself in a bad position here.

Boo poopy day

Well i am not excited for today one its like pouring so i have to walk to school in the rain, two its only thursday so i still have one more day of school after today and three i have to write the literacy test, which made me have to wake up earlier to get to school earlier. Boo ! Atleast i can come home today and say " Well thats done". Im positive i will pass it aswell because im good at this kind of stuff and did well on the pre test :).
So last night i made the most stupidest mistake ever, after going through the whole do not have unprotected sex talk since i was in grade 6, i would go and have unprotected sex. Way to be safe kristen. I dont know where my head was at the time but i wasnt thinking. He told me he pulled out but that still doesnt include pre ejaculation and im not on the pill so thats awesome. so im going to have to see if i can get the emergancy concreceptive pill just incase i dont want to take my chances. GRR. im usually so much more smart then this.
Will came over last night, obviously and we watched sherlock holmes together.. but he fell asleep! Pretty much the whole time he was over he slept, it made me a little sad to because he wasnt evven cuddling with me, he just layed on my bed, took up most of it and slept. Then his mom came and i couldent even get him up. After he left i was really sad because i probibly wont get to see him till sunday. If im lucky friday which isnt that bad but still. On the bright side i knew he felt bad and as soon as he got home he called me. When i said hello the first thing he said was i love you and i feel bad, i didnt even know i fell asleep." I felt much better after this especially because he was so tired, he still put out the effort to call me haha. He wrote on my wall yesterday to, he signed his name somewhere and my bed is up agaisnt the wall and that is where he sleeps when he sleeps over and he put " This wall is wills side of the bed, stay off ! i love you" then put a heart. Also at the end of the bed he put a heart with KB in it. It made me smile.
I want to know some good ways to bond with him, different things we could do together to get closer because i want to be closer with him.

shygirl, crazygirl

how do you conquer shyness? like in some situations im so shy, but in others im not one bit shy at all. grr

i got you slippen on my swagg juice

So easter weekend was pretty good i guess. Every night i spent at williams house. Thursday i spent the whole day biking (i want to do mountain bike street freestyle) then he picked me up around seven and we went to a girls house i never met before. Everyone was pretty drunk besides me and will and we played a game of crazy 8's after we went to another friends place for strawberry daquaris and sat around the fire, it was a going away party for this guy who was going to war. After we went back to williams and slept. The next day we lazed around in bed till the afternoon and he brought be out to show me this fort him and a bunch of guys he hangs out with are making and i got to help him a little bit. I mostly just watched and chatted with some of the boys, we stayed there pretty much the whole day then went back to his house. We rented a movie watched it then went to sleep. The next day he brought me home around 11 and i showered then spent the whole day biking with my friend sam. We also went for pizza aswell. It was super hot out that day then eventually got really cold and windy which caused a bunch of balls to fall off the roof at davenport and we kicked some balls around for a little bit then put them where the school could find them after. We went back to her house again and ate some pizza and waited for her boyfriend to come. She was going to go to her dads for dinner and Will was coming to pick me up again. This night was the most interesting for us. I finally got to meet my bestfriend chads new girlfriend, i thought i wasnt going to like her at first but it turns out her and i are so much alike and we got along great. We started out the night with some whiskey shots at jesses with a bunch of boys, we all sat around and listened to eachother free style rap, it was really funny. Then we found a party in london to go to. This sort of led to bad things. When we got there the party was great at first, we had some more shots danced it up and met alot of new people. There was this really drunk girl that we met that tried to kiss will, i didnt know at the time and i wasnt going to make a big deal out of it because Will pushed her away. By this time will was really intoxicated. He came downstairs at one point and him and i were talking, then this guy i just ment grabbed me by the hands and pulled me away from will. He didnt really like that very much so he went upstairs, later the same guy put his hands on chads girlfriend and called her a slut which really made alyssa upset and she freaked out. I was upset also because i couldent find Will, but then someone came up and told me that the kid in the grey shirt, my boyfriend got pissed and punched the persons gutter outside. I didnt know why at the time so i went looking for him. I found hu=im out by chads truck and i asked him what happenend. He told me that he just got really upset because these guys kept putting there hands on me and alyssa and i was letting them and it made him really angry and he didnt mean to punch the gutter he ment to punch the wall. This led to our first fight. Somehow he went as far as me bringing up the girl, and i told him if he had kissed the girl.. i didnt get to even finish my sentance when he was like " i didnt f*cking kiss the girl i pushed her away" and i tried to tell him that i wasnt saying he did i was saying if he was ever put in that situation and he kept yelling at me so i tried to walk away then he grabbed me and was like kristen im sorry, and i said he wasnt listening to me and everytime id try to talk hed cut me off. I eventually started crying and thats when chad and alyssa came out saying we had to leave because kids were pulling knifes on him and had already on will. I felt embaressed because i was crying and they noticed, alyssa (chads gf) held my hand in the car which made me feel better and eventually i crawled over to will and layed my head on his chest, his heart started to beat fast and he rested his hand on my head. At first the ride was quiet until chad got upset at will becuase will was over reacting and chad said that they werent touching us the way will was thinking and me and alyssa had to calm them both down. It was kind of crazy. When we got back to wills house we went in his room and had the most deep conversation ive ever had with him both of us ended up crying and he told me that if he had any concept of what love is, its what he feels for me, and he just wants to keep me around for a very long time. That he will be around for aslong as i want him to be. He also told me how i was in his future and i said well maybe and hes like. no your in my future and things just went so far that both of us ended up crying. Ill remember this talk for a long time i think it brought us closer and in the end everything. The next day the boys got together and we went to the skatepark. Us girlfriends hung out in the car while the guys skated till like 3. After we went to a friends house and sat around and talked. Well i barly talked at all i was so tired because me and will were up till like 4 am the night before and woke up at like 7. I was so dazed. Once we got back to wills house we were there just intime for easter dinner, we ate and then both of us fell asleep at 5. we slept the rest of the day all the way till the next morning. Then they brought me home early and will went to the fort to build it. Yesterday all i did was slouch around and eat chocolate. Watched teevee and went to bed. I think im going to be seeing Will tonight again maybe, with chad and alyssa. We might go to the movies, if i can get money from my mom. We havent been getting along again. No good. But i might be moving out in three months. Alyssas mom jsut broke up with her boyfriend so she wants to move back to her hometown which is 7 hours away. Alyssa doesnt want to leave the town she grew up in that has her job her friends her horse and her boyfriend. So her and chad might get an apartment together, chad is 20 btw, he has had his own job and he makes GOOOOOOD money, but he gets laid off every once in a while so hes going to get another job to. They asked if me and will wanted to move in aswell to make things easier. Im kinda cut in the middle with this because me and will havent been dating that long yet only about 2 months and i dont know how long were going to last and i dont want to move with him if things wont work out.. but then again i am a fighter and i see so much more in Will and it would be worth a try. I need to get a job and make some money, then i would probibly have to get a new job when we move. Which will be complicated but i figure, if i save up all my paychecks then ill have enough money to put in my share so i can have enough time to find a job. There should be more offers in london aswell, id also have to transfer schools aswell which is a little nerve wracking.. I have planned out alot of it aswell and its going to take so much responsibility from me. We all have been looking around and i found this apartment/ condo on huron street in london, its a 2 bedroom and the proce ranges between 699-714 per month but it includes water and heat, one free parking space, cable and internet access, we would still have to pay for usuage though and the tiles and what not are all redone and stuff theres also carpets aswell. I figured that approximetely each of us will be paying about 220.00 a month. With a job at student wage.. i could be making approx 35.60 a day hopefully x4 is around 142.40 a week not including tips and if i work weekends i could get more.. id hopefully be working all week though. Theres so much to consider and so much to plan out. Thankfully if i cant cover my part during the first little bit chad will have me covered !
im still so young to and i know so many people would tell me to stay home aslong as i can, but sometiems i hate being so dependant and i hate the fact that none of this is mine. its all my moms, everything.

i cant stand my mom anymore. now i want to move out i want to get out its like everything i fucking do is never good enough. she never listens to me ever and goes by what everyone else says and she always tells me how everyone elses opinion shouldent matter to me. she should stop being so hypocritical. GRR.

excitemeent !

whoooot ! i got my tongue peirced, i love it. i love how it looks on me.. its so swollen tho right now, cant wait till i can change it. yee, my belly button is next :]

He said i hate this place, i miss your smile i miss your face ...

Halfway through the week, i dont think ive ever really looked forward to the weekend as much as i am now. I get to get my tongue peirced, i get to spend my friday and saterday night with Will then go home sunday and just relax, maybe visit with some family, then the following weekend will be great aswell Alyssa is coming down and were going to an iparty in london. Its like a club for teenagers without alcohol instead energy drinks and i love to dance so its just going to be great.
Right now i feel a little down. I hate that i only get to see Will on weekends, and this is the first week back from march break so i have to et back into the habit of falling asleep alone again and its just hard not being able to listen to the steady breathing of another person or being able to rest my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Its so much more comforting to wake up with someone beside me and have someone keep me warm all night long and hold me if i jump up scared from my regular nightmares. I crave his lips, want to feel his arms around me all the time and it makes me sad knowing that i have to wait another 2 days. I dont know how people manage to have really long distant relationships. I would feel a little bit unfullfilled. Being infatuated with someone can feel so strong sometimes, its just passionate and you cant get enough of eachother im just wondering, how do you know when you love someone? Its a feeling ive been feinding for and i know it takes time but. i would like to know what it feels like.
I want to be with Will for a really long time, im just scared he might get sick of me and our relationship will run dry like so many do these days. I want to do something oblvious something he wouldent be expecting. I need some new ideas. What are some of the things you and your highschool boyfriend did Mrs.Roth? When alyssa comes down im thinking that her and jesse, me and will, alyssa c and chad should all go to the beach and watch the sunset and then climb these rocks, i think that would be something new and fun! Im really looking forward to it. ugghh im just sighing so much right now, i want to call Will and i want to hear his voice but i have this phobia of talking on the phone, it makes me feel blind and it bothers me how i can hear the person yet cant feel there presence or see them. People think im so silly when i say that but its true, and i would also feel like somewhat of a bother to be calling him, i just hate how we have barly any communication during the week besides the few inboxes reassuring plans over facebook.
Thats about all i have to write about right now, but heres some lyrics to a good song for the moment :

She said baby don't leave
Be home, stay close, be close to me
Boy don't be gone. boy don't be gone
He said baby you know
I gotta run I gotta go
I won't be long, girl I won't be long

She said boy don't you flirt
And baby please just don't get hurt
And if you feel alone then here take my shirt
He said forever girl I know you hate the weather girl
so maybe you should hold onto my sweater girl

She ran picked up the phone
Said babe I miss you come back home
It can't be long, boy it can't be long
He said I hate this place
I miss your smile I miss your face
I wrote a song, girl I wrote a song

She said you make me better boy
I just mailed you a letter boy
And oh just so you know I'm still in your sweater boy
He said girl don't be hurt
I've sweat a lot and smell of dirt
and I think I'd feel naked without your shirt

He said you're looking great
I'm home I'm back I couldn't wait
Girl way too long, that was way too long
She said get over here
I crave you close I need you near
Now play that song, boy play me our song

He said back to forever girl
Hope you endured the weather girl
Now all I wanna do is get you outta that sweater girl
She said I love the way you flirt
I'm so glad you didn't get hurt
Now let me see you naked without that shirt

I'd give you the day but its not mine yet..

So i went to school today and it wasnt that bad, im pumped for gym because were doing badminton and i like playing badminton, i love to dance while i play it makes everything much more intense. Im not looking forward to going to science tommorrow, but i got to get my mark up. Tonight im not doing anything special im probibly just gunna sit around and hangout. My moms off maybe ill ask her to watch a movie or something together. I have to do some homework and think about William. (L)
This girl i just ment on the weekend, shes just 17 and she has a 10 month old baby and i admire the girl so much i just have to give her props to go through what she had to at such a young age and take care of the little guy, hes adorable to. he could be like a show baby. He kept on looking at me with his big brown eyes and i was just mezmorized by him he would make me smile then he would mimic a smile back. Will was like holy he wont stop staring at kristen. Haha The poor guy was really sick though he had a terrible cough and you could hear him breathing from the other room. I dont know if i could do what that girl did, having to give up so much for a little kid. Ive had dreams about me being pregnant and having a kid before and it scared me a little bit. In my dream i had gained weight and my hair was all naughty and messy and i looked like a zombie so sleep deprived and me and my baby were sleeping in my room. I pushed away everybody included the father of the baby but then eventually he came over himself and told me he wanted to see his son. And it just freaked me out. All the judgements that would be made about you and everything. If i ever got pregnant i wouldent know what to do. I would probibly have the baby bbut i cant even imagine so im going to keep it safe till im older (y)
Thats about all that i have to write about todayy. thanks for all your help mrs roth i appreciate it <3
kb

Im not perfect but i'll keep trying.

So my feelings are undescribable at the moment. i dont know how much more i could like this kid. Whether its how he grabs my hand when were cuddling, wraps it to his and then kisses it that drives me crazy or whether its how he moves the hair out of my eyes, looks into them and smiles or maybe its how he smothers me in his sleep when he grabs ahold of me and pulls me close. I dont know but i havent felt this way in such a long time. I met his family last night for the first time, wonderful people. His mother seems outgoing and is honest. definitly not a shy women his dad on the other hand is a little bit more quiet. Lastly his grandmother, she is 80 he said and is the most precioud thing ive ever seen, as soon as i saw her smile when they said i was wills girlfriend gave me the butterflys, shes such a cute little thing. Will said i was the first girl hes ever brought into his house which made me feel quite special. He is self concious about where he lives but i told him that its not what he or his parents own what i am crazy about its him. He just smiled and kissed me. Im so happy that im with him. I hope i will be for a while.
One thing that irratates me so much about myself is, i am timid around people that i dont know to well or have just met. Will brought me out today with him to hangout with all his guy friends. I felt so out of place sitting there watching them play video games or watching them skateboard. And i barly talked, like i had nothing to say and didnt know what to say. I just hope that doesnt change anything between us. It makes me a little nervous because he knows me to be that fun outgoing girl, then lately ive been quiet and what not. It makes me so mad.
I am not looking forward to going to school tommorrow at all. But my mom said if i could go to school this whole week she would give me 40 dollars to go get a piercing which sounds like a great deal if you ask me. I know that my mom shouldent have to reward me for going to school but i just dont want to ever go anymore. I never thought i would say it but at the moment i hate school. I get so nervous and so angry at the thought of having to go. Most people are like well i get to see my friends and what not and classes arent even that bad. But id rather see my friends out side of school and just spend my time in my room or something. Grr but im going to go and just get it over with. Maybe thigns will change with the weather and i can finally get back into sports again or something i shure hope so.

If cheerleading were easy, itd be called football.

So i think i know what i need to do to feel better, i need to CHEERLEAD ! just thinking about it drives me insane. I miss it sooo much. When im angry in cheer i release it in tumbling harder, hitting my motions in my dance harder, and throwing girls higher or if im top squeezing my muscles that much more, when we condition and do fitness i just push myself more. When im upset i release that through the dancing part of it. It occupied alot of my time and it was like a medicine to me, and the feeling i got when we did a good job and stuck all of our stunts is undescribable not to mention when you finally get an element you have been working on. AHH. i wish that east elgin would have a team id totally go out for it, id even be a caption. Ive done power cheerleading for 5 years and have some kick butt stunt sequences ive made up when i had to much time on my hands. I know richelle. my old coach would be happy to come in and help with tumbling and im always good at making dances. I could fundraise for uniforms and some of the competition fees. I know all the rules and regulations and parkside could use some competition. I think that it would be so great, but not likely. If worse comes to worse i could possibly ask to help out for ldss's cheer team spot there stunts and put in any input, i know there caption. and maybe get community hours for that too :D I heard they didnt do so well at provincials so if i could help them before nationals it wouldent hurt any i dont think.

Why are we, so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me.

Something i hate, when someone gives up a friendship for a relationship. Why would you throw away someone who will be by your side for.. almost forever for someone who has cheated on you already and probibly is only going to be there for another 6 months? I dont know but it sure hurts. When things dont workout what are you going to do, crawl back to me? I dont even know if i want to stick around now. I should of listened to the people who told me you were an a*shole. But nope i had to go and get close to you and now sit here and watch you walk away for some stupid girl. I dont understand why i cant be in your life to? It frustrates me.
So my mom is thinking about putting me in anger management classes, which i really do not like to do, but it might be good for me, lately ive been having a terrible time controlling my anger. When i get mad i just can feel my blood boiling and the feeling that builds up inside of me.. i cant even explain. Then i yell and sometimes punch things.. i almost pushed over the fridge last night knocking everything on top onto the floor. Then i just stood there and felt so stupid because of my actions, but next time im angry i just go on and do it again. My mom keeps telling me she doesnt know what has gotten into me lately but as the day goes on she sees my dad come out in me more and more, and sometimes that isnt always a good thing. Atleast tonight i can look forward to seeing Will, hes coming over for the night again and im just so excited, i cant let myself get to attatched tho. Like the last couple of nights i have cryed myself to sleep because i wish i could see him more or i wish that i was with him, i just hold onto his pillow and my bear names foo tightly then eventually fall asleep. It was hardest last night because i knew he was at a party drinking with many people.. mostly girls. Is it bad that i have a hard time trusting people, i dont show it but its always there in the back of my head.. its just i know that he cheated on his ex girlfriend once, and im just scared it might happen to me to. I dont take no sh**t from anyone though so if i ever find out he did, im cutting his butt of with a snap of my fingers and show him what kind of girl hes missing out on.
March break is going by way to fast, i wish it would slow down a little, i am not looking forward to going back to school at all, im failing science- 29% and my gym mark is 65% not good for someone whose gym mark ranges from an 80-90. my history is an 87% which is okay and i think my careers is around a 60 or 70 which isnt that greeat because all that class is, is about you and your plans for the future basically.. I need to get involved in a sport again or something that really boosts up my motivation but school teams are definitly out of the picture seeing as i do have way more truents then two.. but in my defense majority of them my mom is aware im home she just doesnt bother to call the school. I am just gunna try to get my science mark up to pass it and bite my tongue through the rest of the semester and show up a little bit more, i cant wait till summer.
I just want to get out of this town, and somewhere new. I want to move out on my own with friends somewhere warm all the time.
but im goingto clean my room and talk to an old friend
lots of love, kb

Shes beautiful, in her simple little ways.

The snow now melted and the way the sun is setting today reminds me of healing. How last year at this time i was happy again after my break up a couple of months before, it makes me want to listen to rascall flatts or country music because they said the words that helped me put the peices of my heart back together. I still cant get over how much someone can grow and change over a year, how much people walk in and out of your life, who you become close with, the things you expierence. It can be so overwhelming to look back on. I was such a different person at this time last year, i just wanted to be that little small town girl, i spent hours singing and trying to play my guitar. I wanted to go to tenessee with my grandpa and ride a horse. Now i have a whole new look on life. It seems weird.
Things are complicated right now. First off, my boyfriend. William Marshall. Man i am so crazy about him we will be dating a month tommorrow, not that long but he makes me so happy. Just saturday night he slept over at my house and we had a really deep conversation and afterwards he hugged me and told me that he feels we got alot closer now. And i completely agree with him. Then we showered together the next morning, and i felt so connected to him, it was very intimate with the warm water and everything. then we had a good cuddle session for the rest of the time. I love waking up to his face. I felt sad when he left, he took one of my pillows and left one of his at my house, which im glad because i love sleeping with it. I hate leaving him though because i know that i wont get to see him for another week or so. And wont even be able to have a conversation with him until next time we see eachother in person because hes usually skateboarding or with friends then goes to bed early. Its depressing. When were apart im scared that he might lose feelings for me and figure that if we cant see eachother there isnt gunna be a point to our relationship. And though were together i sometimes feel alone. I guess us being together is all that matters.
I miss ryan though, unfortunitly. I havent seen him in months, and i miss his outgoing and fun personality, i miss hearing him sing and show me his new songs. I miss his friendship. We have grown apart and we dont really talk anymore, and everytime we try to hangout it backfires. It upsets me. He used to mean so much to me and now we dont talk like ever and when we do its barly a conversation.

I just thought out a good sentance for a story:
Laying in the dirt for hours she finally rolled over and looked off into the distance. She could feel the warm sun beating on her face. Squinting she watched the sunrise for the first time in months gaining feeling in her arms, legs then eventually her heart. The wind whipped her hair around her face. Unlike usual her breathing was rythmatic, while she inhaled there was no more ripping pain. She finally felt one, she could finally feel her heart beating again. Like crystals her green eyes sparkled brightly, as her pale skin reflected the sun.

im done for now, i should probibly clean up the house.
kb <3

Cause you're scared, I ain't there? Daddy's with you in your prayers.No more crying, wipe them tears, Daddy's here, no more nightmares.

I feel so alone. Sitting here in a dark house, with nobody there to talk to. Listening to mockingbird by eminem. One of the only songs that can shatter my heart into peices and break me down. Its so hard for me to sit here and just think about my past, the present and things that could happen in the future without crying. Without hurting. Knowing hes going to go back to jail.. how its gunna f*ck up his current plans. Hr'd going to go no where. And i know my dad better then any other person out there, im just like him. I am him through and through. Of course i have my mom within me. But i know my dads train of thought. What he would do in certain situations.
I dont think ive ever had a panic attack worse then the one i had when i went onto a friends facebook and looked at my dads profile. The only album he has is " My Children" right then and there the feeling that came upon me.. i cant even explain. I looked through, and there was 2 pictures of my older brother labelled as " My big man Timmie (16). 3 pictures of Raven.. who i dont even know if she is my sister or not, labelled as my baby girl raven (4), then 2 pictures of my little brother labelled as the little man(8) then there was 2 pictures of my sister labelled as Neicer (12) and then there was 5 pictures as me labelled kritter bum (15) and i just broke down.
There was an old picture from the last christmas we were together, then a picture of me and my sister at taco bell then 2 recent pictures where i have no idea how he got them. But i havent been called kritter bum in so long. It just drives me insane to imagine the kind of pain he had to go through just to put those up there and it kills every inch of me inside. I cant stand it. and i know i shouldent be torturing myself that way but i was just so curious..
Its like hes dead. I have no confidance in ever seeing him again. I dont think i ever will.. and i dont know if thats something i want.. It feels like i have no parents. Im growing up on my own with no guidance.. people tell me that to. And i fight back because i dont want to face the truth.
But it basically is, when im home im always alone. My mom is working till im in bed. i never see her. I dont get to hear i love you from my mom, from my dad. It doesnt feel good. I dont like to turn around and look into my empty living room and remember things that happened in my past right there. i dont like to look at my fridge and see those knuckle marks from a time my dad got angry, or walk into my room and relive moments. Its not easy for me to live in this house let alone, be alone. Its not my moms fault though, she is doing everything she can just to put food on our plates..
My life is not easy.But i feel i have to be strong for my little sister.

Time to show you the most kicka*s flow in the cosmos. :]

Soo its been a long time since i last wrote in here, alot has changed. Even my appearence.
My hair is now like a cocanut brown, and i pierced my own nose :) It looks pretty cute noot gunna lie ;] .
Me and my ex dont talk at all anymore, i cant stand the kid. He is never happy, hes always negative i dont understand why. Your attitude towards life, determines lifes attitude towards you. Thats something he needs to learn.
Thats guy i like, alots changed between us to, about a month ago he asked me out and i said yes. but it didnt really last that long, we both figured we were taking things to fast then went back to seeing eachother, but as of february 16th he asked me out again.. On valentines day he told me he loved me for the first time, but last night when he said it to me again it ment so much, i had the weirdest feeling in my chest and stomach. I love him to. I just hope that we can actually last for a little while. He means alot to me and i care about him. I really hope we go to a movie soon !
My cousin came down for a couple of days to, we spent alot of time together, had lots of fun, Hopefully she moves down here for her grade 10 year. Life would be fun. Us brunsdon girlss will mess stuff up. hahah
Im alot happier lately, but i havent been the goodest girl out there but i mean. We all make mistakes right? I'll get back on the right track soon enough i guess. (:
Anyways i guess that sums it all up. Im loving my new semester though i havent been to it much which isnt good. Im super excited for grade 11 to. I cant wait.
Hopefully your still reading mrs roth. Miss you <3 (:

Ouuuu girl, shock me like an electric eel, babygirl tuurn me on with your electric feel. :0

So i think i need to keep writing in here a little bit more, its almost the end of the semester and i want to keep getting marks for this, Im so loaded with homework right now its so overwhelming i have something due in everyclass that i either dont have done or barley have it done, and no matter how many days i take off it still isnt enough time. I am almost finished my english speech which i should of have presented today, i will have it done for tommorrow, my photo novella is definitly not finished yet but getting there, and my 2 art projects arent done yet either. I also have to hand in 2 assignments for english that i have finished and ask for another day or two on another english assignment and then have to start on my culminating. AHHHHH. i love highschool haha. Well im sure i will get all this done before exams i just need to want it bad enough.
So quite a bit has changed since new years and a little bit before that i havent gotten into really, mysoundtrack and I arent really an us or a we anymore, its just him.. then me. Two seperate people. We didnt end up working out, i take the blame for that, he didnt like some of the decisions i was making and i understand that, i learned a big lesson and talking to him made me realize how much i needed to go and talk to someone and my mom, now i feel a little bit better and have some new resolutions for this year. I think im going to change mysoundtracks name to bigboy just like what shortshorts calls him in her blog and because he is big.
As much as i wanted things to workout between us and as much as i like him its just to complicated he lives in london now and i can barly ever see him, which really sucks, and i guess i wasnt mature and lifesmart as i thought i was which also make things a little complicated.
I spent a few ddays being a little upset but slowly pulled myself through and got over it, Me and him still talk which is good and weere still friends, im going to watch him and his band play on friday :]
Since then ive discovered feelings for someone new, quick relapse.. sort of but ive always had these feelings for him just never really let them get the best of me. I met him in the summertime at a party i went to, i wasnt all completely there and the first thing i said to him was " youre hot " ooohh boy, thats great haha, great first impression, but we ended up spending the whole night together with my other 2 friends, he was really easy to talk to and we hit it off well. We hungout alot of times since then and became pretty good friends it wasnt until recently that he told me he thought i was really cute and wanted me that night ( not in a sexual way) but he already had a girlfriend. Now that we are both single we started to hangout and talk even more, things started to get good for me just a little bit after new years night. I think im going to call him cutie because hes super cute and says really cute things to me all the time. He's a little bit younger then what i usually go for but hes pretty mature for his age. He's 17. At first i had a bad feeling that he might just be saying some of these things to get in my pants but now i dont think so anymore, his bestfriend was talking to me and telling me how he doesnt want to sleep with me and he wants to take things slow which made me pretty happy, he told me himself that he wanted to be with me and that just right now wasnt the right time yet and i completely agreed because things do take time and i want them to take time.
Some of the really cute things he has said to me are:
When i was upset- "dont make me come over and pick up the peices"
just randomly - "your amazing", "awe, well your on my mind non-stop","no seriously, come cuddle please :)" "i like you", "i want to be with you","i want to be yours", "you mean alot to me", "i think im hooked on you"
and alot more, hes told me that im beautiful in person one time and i almost started crying because i didnt think it could ever mean so much coming from someone.
I love to be with him and i love to lay in his arms while he rubs my back and tickles my face. or kiss my cheek like 20 times in a row, or when he just sighs at random.
Just his smile gives me butterflys.
It pretty funny because im not one to move on so fast from a guy it takes me a long time because i take my feelings serious and dislike it when other people do it, but for some reason i cant help myself.. i just dont know what to do. :
Hopefully we hangout this weekend:) i cant wait till i see him next.

And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something that you cant replace,when you love someone but it goes to waste.Could it be worse

I was going to finish the rest of my entrys but i will get to that later.. again.
I dont know whats happening to me these days. I just dont want to leave my room, i dont want to see anyone talk to anyone, i dont want to do anything. I just want to lay there with ipod and cell phone all day, and not move. The last couple days of christmas break thats all i did, i didnt come out of my room for almost 48 hours. I wasnt hungry, i wasnt thirsty, i didnt need to go to the bathroom all i did was cry here and there, think and stare. I watched some tv. My mom started to worry about me a little bit and she forced me out of my room. School came and i was not enthused. The first three days i sucked it up and drag myself through it. I would feel sick here and there and would have to ask to be excused to sit in the bathroom for a little bit. My chest would kill me so much and i would get teary eyed here and there. I also felt some attacks coming here and there. Finally thursday i cracked, my whole family slept in and when my mom woke up it was like a bomb. I didnt want to get up and leave my room, and we argued for a long time until i burst out into tears and started yelling at her some things that she didnt know. Like the fact that i feel im only around for one thing and people only want one thing from me.. something sexual. Even my father the one man in my life that im suppost to trust, the only guy who isnt suppost to hurt you but mine did. What do i have now. I've thought of self mutalation many times but i dont want to go back into that state, i want to be more mentally stable but i dont know how to fix it. I just want to isocalate myself and be alone. My mom still made me go to school, so i got dropped off for second period. First period was still in thankfully because i was still crying hard when i walked in the doors and a friend of mine saw me and i was quite embarassed. During math i didnt do much besides stare out the window and try to hold back tears, i also left to go to the bathroom again. At lunch i couldent handle it anymore so i just left. I got home and my mom wasnt there but there was a note for me in my room with alot of things on there that made me a little upset. About how its a mothers worse fear of something terrible to happy to one of her kids that will effect them for a life time in ways that she cant imagine, and it having to be the man that she trusts. It was really heart felt note and im glad she wrote it for me she also wrote some advice in there that im going to take. After that holly texted me and told me she needed someone to go to the basketball game with her after school and to the movies for mikes birthday, i really didnt want to go but i did promise her the day before i would and i would feel bad for not going to mikes birthday so i sucked it up and went. Then friday my mom thought it would be a good idea that everyone just took a break. Its hard for my family, we can only be happy and take so much for so long before any of us break and the only people we truley have to lean on is eachother. If we have no healing proccess we will always be broken and out lifes will go spiraling downward. We have made it so far in the last year we just dont want to go back. I dont want to go back but im starting to fall in ways and i dont know what to do to fix that, we all have different coping strategies but i havent found mine yet ive tried many many different things, and councillers are suprised that ive came up with these myself and find im very smart and wise for a 15 yr old but they dont work. I'm still trying to figure things out.
I just miss being happy, truley happy.
I miss alison to.